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March 17, 2019

THIS IS NOT GOOD

ESA Space Orbiter Detects ‘Hairy Blue Spider’ on Mars

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

AS IS HER CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

An Oklahoma woman was arrested after authorities say she used a T-shirt gun to launch drugs, cellphones and other contraband over a prison fence.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

GET READY

NASA are going to probe deeper into Uranus than they ever have before.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HELLO, 911?

A succinct, two-section bill introduced this week in the Georgia General Assembly would make men 55 and older self-report each and every time they ejaculate — immediately, to the nearest law enforcement agency.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE

“Nurses were removing Morrison’s underwear and located a clear plastic baggy containing a clear crystal substance stuck to his left buttocks,” the deputy said. The deputy identified the substance as Crystal Meth.

Morrison told the deputy that his friends “might have put it in his underwear and not realized that it was there.”

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Related: Norwalk man stored crack between buttocks

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, who asks "Is that a crime now?")

THE DRIVER ALREADY HAS HIS FLORIDA LICENSE

Police said a customer was seated in the path of the crash, but he got up to grab some hot sauce packets before the car went into the building.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

DOES BEING AN AWARD-WINNING GENETICIST REALLY MAKE YOU WEIRD?

There's a kernel of truth to that statement.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

'THEY WERE AN UNUSUAL SHAPE WITH STRANGE MARKINGS'

Man fails to smuggle tortoises disguised as pastries into Berlin Airport

We saw Tortoises Disguised As Pastries open for the Talking Heads.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

UPDATE

The Man Who Vowed To Give Up Food In Favor Of Beer For Lent Has Already Lost A Bunch Of Weight

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

BOLO

Person with unicorn costume, crowbar robs store

(Thanks to Ralph)

Related: Florida man dresses as Spider-Man, steals liquor and cigarettes

(Thanks to The Perts)

 
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