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March 14, 2019

SOME WOULD *EVEN GIVE UP ALCOHOL*

Traffic is so bad in South Florida, many commuters say they would give up sex to have an easier drive to and from work.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

DEPARTMENT OF INEVITABILITY

Pennsylvania man named Sober arrested for drunken driving

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, Rod Nunley, Le Petomane and Don Faber)

Florida woman named Crystal arrested for crystal meth trafficking

(Thanks to Keithintampa)

WE HAVE BAD NEWS AND WORSE NEWS

Crematorium goes up in flames, bodies survive

(Thanks to Stan Ruth and Mac)

YOU SHOW SOME INITIATIVE, AND LOOK WHERE IT GETS YOU

Police are looking for a man who allegedly walked into a Michigan Subway, made his own sandwich, rang up orders for other customers and took $20 from the cash register before leaving.

(Thanks to Geoff Scott)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE ANIMALS

Napping Moose Keeps Silverthorne Library Closed

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

Drunken U.P. man shoots at snowbank after car gets stuck

(Thanks to Ralph)

FLORIDA: THE LEADERSHIP STATE

Vice Mayor Terrence Rowe stepped in to become acting mayor after Dale Massad’s arrest. But now the acting mayor is also under arrest.

(Thanks to James Flynn and pharmaross)

HE HAD NO OTHER OPTION

Police in New York are searching for a man they say bit off a bar security guard's finger last month because the bar he wanted to visit was closing.

(Thanks to elseabs, who says, "A reasonable and measured response.")

THE POLE ALSO HAS A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Staten Island woman receiving bills addressed to the wooden pole outside her home.

(Thanks to esleabs and Le Petomane)

GET IT? 'EARLY RISERS'

Early risers have a more active sex life

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

 
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