Dave Barry's Blog

WE SAW THE SPACE HARPOONS OPEN FOR PRETEND JUNK

A harpoon flung from a satellite has successfully captured a piece of pretend junk in an experiment that could have major implications for how we clean up the huge mess people have made in outer space.

(Thanks to The Perts)

‘BELLY BUSTING’ WAS INVOLVED

York man accused of strangling his brother during Valentine’s Day fight over flowers

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

CANADA SINKS EVEN DEEPER INTO CHAOS

The remarkable theft of about 30,000 litres of iceberg water from a vodka company warehouse in Newfoundland has bewildered the firm’s owners.

(Thanks to Roberto)

APPARENTLY THEY ARE NOT CONCERNED ABOUT CATS

National Weather Service issues 'small dog warning' due to 50-mph winds

(Thanks to Ralph)

COLOR US SHOCKED

Another doorbell licker was caught on camera, this time in Florida

(Thanks to pharmaross and John Criswell)

AND IN SPORTS

Big goldfish caughtwith a biscuit in Ky.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says “We’re gonna need a bigger bowl.”)

‘I’M FIXIN’ TO BLOW IT UP’

Bathroom Warning Mistaken For Bomb Threat At Home Depot

(Thanks to Kevin Smith, Anna Williams, The Perts, Al Barkafski, elseabs, pharmaceuticals, Another Ralph, pharmaross and Michael Parry)

HARD TO ARGUE

Just a thought - If Lorne Grabher's daughter married David Assman her hyphenated last name would be 'Grabher-Assman'.

Have a nice day.

Dave N.

CANADIAN WILDLIFE AND WINTER SPORTS REPORT

Sledding teen collides with rat in mid-air

(Thanks to Bob Brogan, who says "Rodent launching capability by we know who.")

NAME THAT STATE!

The woman on Jan. 27 reportedly hurled a remote at a 62-year-old woman, knocking that woman’s dentures out

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BREAKING UPDATE ON THE BIG CANADIAN ASSMAN CONTROVERSY

After SGI denied his latest request for an 'ASSMAN' vanity licence plate, the Melville man had an oversized decal designed to replicate the plate in question.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes, Roberto, Stan Ruth and pharmaross)

HERE'S OUR THOUGHT: NO

Online Store Sells $650 “Thought Box” That You Put Over Your Head to Just Think

It does come with a Thought Stool.

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE

For $5,000 You Can Hunt Bigfoot With Jose Canseco

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE

Son sets mother’s home ablaze allegedly over Cheez-Its

CATCH OF THE DAY

A man dubbed the "cupid of chaos" was arrested in Ohio and is accused of being married to at least four women in as many states, authorities said Tuesday.

No wonder:

(Thanks to pharmaross and Andrew Mendez, who says "Sorry ladies, he's not available.")

THIS JUST IN

A pair of holidaymakers got more than they bargained for when they witnessed an Indonesian volcano erupt in the shape of a giant penis.

(Thanks to John Lobert and pharmaross)

TIME FOR CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS AND, IF NECESSARY, FEDERAL TROOPS

Chuck E. Cheese’s oddly shaped pizza ignites a bizarre conspiracy theory

(Thanks to John Lobert, Al Barkafski and Alkali Bill, who says "We are approaching peak Chuck E. Cheese's.")

YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO JOIN THE PARTY

Just make sure you observe the dress code.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

OOPS

Fleeing Waterville bank robber slips, spills money, gun in front of special agent, police say

(Thanks to Mr. Ted Habte-Gabr)

THIS BLOG HAS A NEW HERO

Guitarist’s hair catches fire on stage, but he keeps playing

(Thanks to Steve K)

JERSEY!

New Jersey burglary suspect flips off camera in mugshot

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "It's the way they say hello.")

WE SAW ANCIENT MUCUS TRAIL OPEN FOR THE STONES

Ancient mucus trail led to oldest evidence of mobility on Earth

(Thanks to Ralph)

IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING WHAT HE'S BEEN UP TO

Elvis Presley in court over knife threat in Blackpool laundrette

(Thanks to Roberto)

FINALLY THE WORLD CAN RELAX

The Owner Of The USB Discovered In Seal Poop Has Been Found

(Thanks to Janice Gelb and Roberto)

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER REQUEST ANCHOVIES

Houston family overcharged $1,600 for pizza

(Thanks to funny man)

WHOEVER COULD HAVE FORESEEN THIS?

The company that promised a one-way ticket to Mars is bankrupt

(Thanks to The Perts)

DUUUDE

Mike Tyson smoking a gigantic joint is everything

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MOM OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Students complained to officers that she approached them last week in two campus buildings, the Cook Library and Center for the Arts, showing them a picture on her cell phone and asking if they were interested in dating her son.

(Thanks to ImNotDave)

BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT

Ecologist Dr Frank Rivera-Milan said the donkey population in Barbuda is out of control.

(Thanks to an anonymous source who shall remain anonymous)

THESE KIDS TODAY

A Teen Mistakenly Read His Girlfriend's Thermometer As A Pregnancy Test

(Thanks to Ralph)

APPARENTLY CANADA DOES NOT HAVE MANY FOOD OPTIONS

Customers continued to wait at A&W's drive-through even though it was on fire

(Thanks to Carl Youngdahl)

NAME THAT CITY!

She was riding the back of a small motorcycle. And, while a man drives, she can be seen shaving her legs.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Reminds this blog of another story from a few years ago.

WHOA, DUDE

Pot-smoking tipster finds overweight female tiger in abandoned Houston home

(Thanks to Stan Ruth, Woozy Barnes, pharmaross, elseabs and funny man)

AND THEY HAD FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Man Claims Extraterrestrials are to Blame in Highway 18 Rollover Accident

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IN MIAMI, WE CALL THIS 'RUSH HOUR'

Massive crash wipes out entire field at Daytona

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

GUYS IN ACTION

Man melting dental fillings causes closure of Massachusetts apartment building due to mercury contamination

The man, who received the fillings from his grandfather, thought the fillings were made of silver, but the fillings were actually made of mercury. WPRI reports the man’s grandfather was a dentist.

(Thanks to Ann)

FOR $20,000, THEY'LL USE YOUR ACTUAL EX

For $20, Oregon rehab center will put your ex's name on a salmon and feed it to a bear

(Thanks to Craig Roberts and Allen at Division)

THESE KIDS TODAY

Teens hide in store overnight after building toilet paper fort

(Thanks to Ralph)

ROLLICKING FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY

Historical Medical Library of The College of Physicians of Philadelphia Coloring Book 2019

(Thanks to funny man)

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

Please don’t tattoo your under eyes

(Thanks to funny man)

WHAT CHOICE DID SHE HAVE?

Woman resorts to baseball bat after beef patty not available

(Thanks to EricY, Jeff Meyerson and pharmaross)

WHO NEEDS PELOTON?

'Sex basement' among amenities in upscale home for sale in Philadelphia suburb

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICERS?

Car Crashes Into Police Station Lobby in San Pedro

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who notes that a Florida license is on the way)

ANYTHING TO DECLARE?

Passenger caught trying to smuggle leopard cub into India by hiding animal in checked bag

(Thanks to Rod Nunley and pharmaross)

NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT ONE

Instead of forking over the money, the couple defended themselves. Nelson took control of the machete and his wife chased the suspects with her granddaughter's scooter and used it to hit one of the men, the report said.

(Thanks to John Gregg)

AW

Take a look at what may be the most Florida maternity photo of 2019 so far.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CANADA CRACKS (HEH) DOWN

This Saskatchewan driver won't get his last name on his licence plate

(Thanks to Mike Leone)

YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW

What is this weird stuff all over Uranus?

(Thanks to Ralph)

SETBACK FOR ‘FREE THE NIPPLE’

City's ordinance on toplessness doesn't discriminate, New Hampshire's highest court rules

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CLASSY

Wedding descends into brawl after groom hits on teen waitress

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez)