Dave Barry's Blog

'THE POND IS SURROUNDED'

Man Leads SJSO On Low Speed Chase In Canoe

(Thanks to Ralph)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Cleveland woman accused of ramming car into ex-husband and new girlfriend

(Thanks to EricY

IN THAT CASE, SIR, HAVE A NICE FLIGHT

Police: Man Says He Stole Pepsi Truck To Get To The Airport

(Thanks to Geoff)

SUNSHINE STATE PUBLIC OFFICIAL OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Florida mayor shoots at SWAT team while being arrested for dealing drugs

(Thanks to Charles Cates, James Flynn, Iceman and Alkali Bill)

FIRST GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE, AND NOW...

Giant "nightmare bee" that was once thought to be extinct is discovered alive

Even scarier headline: Long Lost Monster Bee With Huge Jaws Rediscovered

(Thanks to Steve K)

GUESS HIS HOME STATE

Man accused of throwing toilet through East St. Louis school board office

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Exploding turkey burger is subject of lawsuit filed against Aldi in Allegheny County

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE INTERNET JUST KEEPS ON GIVING

'Fake plane ride challenge' has people staging fake in-flight photos with toilet seats

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

THE NATION REJOICES

Ban on baring of female breasts is likely unconstitutional, 10th Circuit rules

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

ALWAYS CARRY ONE

Man Uses Coffee Cup to Fight Off Wild Coyote

(Thanks to  Geoff, who says "I've had coffee that bad.")

'DISPATCH, WE ARE IN PURSUIT OF A BLACK SEDAN, LICENSE HAPPY FACE HEART MUSICAL NOTES SUNGLASSES'

Australia to roll out emojis on license plates

(Thanks to pharmaross)

A FLORIDA LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Girl crashes through dealership window while testing new car

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

WE BET THEY DO

Nail salon defends risqué name, claims customers like it

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

WHOA

Florida man records battle between alligator, python

Not all that far from this blog's residence. Not nearly far enough.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HE ANSWERS TO 'DUSTY'

Woman offers reward for information on missing tortoise

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "He won't get far on foot.")

YOUR 'MOOING VIOLATION' JOKE HERE

A woman accused of mooing at a deputy after a traffic crash and likening the investigator to a cow was arrested on DUI and other charges, according to an affidavit.

Guess the state.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

GUYS IN ACTION

Father spinning gun on finger accidentally shoots self at daughter's birthday party

(Thanks to pharmaross)

'COWBOY PINBALL'

The object of the game is for volunteers to grab a $100 bill attached to a bull without leaving their assigned circle inside the ring.

What could possibly go wrong?

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS

Brookman, a minister for Memorial Road Church of Christ in Oklahoma City, was delivering a Sunday message from 1 Corinthians 12 when his sermon illustration nearly resulted in the purchase of $28 worth of toilet paper.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

AND THEN HE WAS EATEN BY A SNAKE

Australian pilot spells out ‘I’m Bored’ during test flight

(Thanks to Dad-O-Lot, Jay Brandes and pharmaross)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

There's a Tinder for cows and it's called Tudder

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

WE'LL STICK WITH STRIPES, THANKS

Sperm prints were the hot trend at London Fashion Week

(Thanks to Le Petomane, Mac Turl, pharmaross and funny man)

TOO BAD HE WASN'T SEATED BENEATH THE SCORPION

Passenger strips to boxers and removes his socks for duration of flight

(Thanks to funny man)

NO DOUBT HEADED FOR AUSTRALIA

Passengers spot giant scorpion crawling out of overhead bin on plane

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

'RATHER UNUSUAL STOP'

Amesbury Police said they responded to a report of drag racing motorcycles in Wiltshire and ended up discovering the bikes were racing against a New Holland T6 175 tractor.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

GERMANY ON HIGH ALERT

It’s now easier than ever in France to act out “Star Wars” fantasies, because its fencing federation has borrowed from a galaxy far, far away and officially recognized lightsaber dueling as a competitive sport

(Thanks to The Perts and Andrew Mendez)

THE NEWS FROM DOWN UNDER

Melbourne mum outraged by ‘willy’ on toy lion

(Thanks to Ralph and pharmaross)

FLORIDA IS ALSO AVAILABLE

More than 7,000 sign petition to sell Montana to Canada for $1 trillion to pay down national debt

"Just tell them it has beavers or something."

(Thanks to Howard from Broward)

O THE HUMANITY

Tractor-trailer hauling 40K pounds of broccoli overturns on metro Atlanta interstate

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

A rattlesnake in Florida ended up in the back of a police car.

(Thanks to Tim! Stern)

STRONG NAME, DUDE

Guard alligator ‘El Chompo’ protected drugs for Pennsylvania dealers, prosecutors say

SO THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE CALLING THEM THESE DAYS

10,000 naked men reach out to grab lucky sticks for 2019

(Thanks to funny man)

COMING SOON

Massive menstrual flow character will be Japan’s newest movie star

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Los Angeles City Council’s president suggests to deploy ‘army of cats’ to deal with rat situation

Coincidentally, we once saw Army of Cats open for Rat Situation.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Related: Researchers Create ‘Rat Cyborgs’ That People Control With Their Minds

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR SCIENTISTS TO JUST SHUT UP

Burnt toast could be more toxic than TRAFFIC FUMES, scientists warn

(Thanks to Slim Chance and Mark Schlesinger, who says "Unplug me before I kill again.")

It's Not Just Toast That Wants To Kill Us: Cooking a Sunday roast can drive indoor air pollution far above the levels found in the most polluted cities on Earth, scientists have said.

(Thanks to Ann)

COLD

Woman claims ex-boyfriend gave her dress to his mom after they split, and how she's 'wearing it on nights out'

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BOLO

Officials say 37-year-old Christopher Hancock was robbed of his pants, which he claimed contained $10,000, while meeting up with a woman for sex.

The Good News: Hancock told investigators he and his girlfriend have an open relationship, which includes having sex with other people.

(Thanks to Kevin Smith and Woozy Barnes)

BUT IT WAS A CONSENTING SNOWBANK!

Suspects in custody after Porsche mounts snowbank in Mississauga

(Thanks to N.N.)

THIS IS TOTALLY LEGAL IN FLORIDA

A driver was stopped by police and ticketed Thursday after police say she attempted to pass off a pack of Camel 99 cigarettes as an official New Hampshire inspection sticker.

(Thanks to Ralph)

‘I DRINK FROM SMALL TO BIG’

Chinese coconut milk company forced to change ad claiming drink increases breast size

(Thanks to pharmaross)

 

SO IT CAN LEGALLY DRIVE IN FLORIDA

Couple proudly show off their giant cabbage which is the same size as a person

(Thanks to John Lobert)

TOURIST SEASON

Man points gun at Disney guests in fight for disabled parking space at Animal Kingdom, report says

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says “It’s the happiest place on earth!”)

AMERICA IS GETTING GREATER AND GREATER

A Tampa man reported an income of $18,497. The IRS sent him a refund check for $980,000.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BAD BONNIE!

This dog got more than she bargained for when she tore open a parcel meant for a neighbour and discovered a six-inch sex toy.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

PRETTY GREAT

Westminster without the dogs.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THEY SOUND FUN

A couple from Benedict is accused of consistent urination at I-80 rest areas in York County which resulted in the damage of public property.

(Thanks to Hayseen Tom, who says “I was expecting a livestream.”)

GUYS IN ACTION

Kentucky man mistakenly gets wife turnips instead of tulips

(Thanks to John Lobert)

KIDS LOVE ‘EM

Florida men accused of trafficking cocaine to Ohio inside boxes of Lunchables

(Thanks to Steve K, who says “Those are pretty good snacks, dude.”)

WE CAN’T WAIT FOR THE LIAM NEESON MOVIE

An octogenarian tackled a burglar who attempted to steal his model railway collection and sat on him with his wife until police arrived to make an arrest, a court heard

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

THE NEWS FROM ASIA

Doctor who wrongly filled balloon with gas before it burst inside Hong Kong woman’s anus ‘may have been distracted’

This has been The News From Asia.

(Thanks to pharmaross)