Dave Barry's Blog

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'A MUSICAL EXPERIENCE'

So I was going through some old crap and came across this poster, which was sent to me in 2003 by Richard Brown, who in 1967 was a student at Franklin and Marshall College in Lancaster, PA, where he came into possession of a poster advertising a performance at the F&M Student Union by my college band, The Federal Duck.

At least we were free.

MIAMI HAS NO NEED FOR SUCH A LAW

Utah House Passes Bill That Would Allow Drivers to Run Red Lights

(Thanks to Fred Rosenberger, who asks "What could possibly go wrong?")

BUT HE ALREADY... OH, YOU MEAN AVOID PUNISHMENT

How Patriots owner Robert Kraft could get off in prostitution case

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

A FLORIDA MERCHANT SEAPERSON LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

'Drunk' Russian ship captain steers giant cargo vessel straight into busy South Korean bridge

(Thanks to Michael Moyer)

HARD PASS

This kit will solve gender inequality in breastfeeding by making men lactate — here's how

(Thanks to John Gregg)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM, YOU ARE FREE TO CONTINUE FLEEING

Woman flees police in Cape Coral because she 'wanted a cheeseburger'

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WANT TO BE A CERTIFIED WELDER? MOVE TO KENTUCKY!

Woodward said another dog, named Adam Barker, a cat and even a dead person were AWS certified by groups testing the system. That means they could currently work in Kentucky, despite the fact most don’t even have opposable thumbs.

Needless to say they all also have Florida drivers' licenses.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

JUST STOP

MGM and Mattel are partnering up to develop a live-action feature film based on the toy entertainment company’s classic View-Master toy line.

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

YOUR POINT?

U.S. plush toilet paper use wiping out Canada's forests, flushing away the future: report

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Lake Erie first lake to be granted same rights as a human

(Thanks to Steve Pudlo)

'I BELIEVE YOU WILL SEE WHY WE HAVE HAD COMPLAINTS ABOUT IT'

Honda owners fined by HOA because car left suggestive shape in parking lot

(Thanks to Another Ralph, Rod Nunley, Rick Day, The OssBoss, Le Petomane and Jay Brandes)

PRIORITIES

A half-naked man with a huge knife stuck in his back was caught on camera stumbling around a Russian hospital, zombie-like, in search of a smoke.

(Thanks to Rick Cylka)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

The "Pizza Pocket" hoodie, invented by Medford resident Mike Hourani, features a large zipper pocket that contains a food-grade insulated pouch designed to fit a slice of pizza.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

WHERE THE HELL IS THE UNITED NATIONS?

Japanese Service Creates Wearable Super Realistic Replicas Of Your Pet’s Head

"Service."

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

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'THE SOUND JOHNSON WAS HEARING WAS TONGS CLASHING'

Two people arrested after fight over crab legs

Not Florida, but close: Alabama.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley, Michael Moyer and Not My Usual Alias)

HE THEN USED THE HASH BROWN TO CALL HIS ATTORNEY

Driver claims he was wrongly ticketed when cop mistook McDonald's hash brown for phone

(Thanks to John Lobert)

CSI: FARGO

Authorities here have accused a man of stealing a semi-truck and trailer loaded with a cargo of Oreos, with the property involved having a total value of about $90,000.

(Thanks to maryqos, who says "Got milk?")

AUSTRALIAAAAAA

Mum horrified to discover what's inside bizarre 'pods' she found in her garden

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WHY YOU SHOULD RESIST THE URGE TO DRINK THAT ONE LAST PAINKILLER

Couple stranded in Bahamas as ship leaves without them when they were 45 minutes late

(Thanks to John Lobert)

ALWAYS TIP THE DELIVERY PERSON

Maryville man faces felony charge for dipping testicles in salsa before delivery

(Thanks to Rod Nunley, who says "He may actually have gotten the worst of it.")

UPDATE ON THE APPLIANCE-SNAKE EPIDEMIC

Safety Harbor woman shocked to find snake in her dryer while doing laundry

(In Groucho voice:) Why the snake was doing laundry I’ll never know.

(Thanks to Ralph)

DO NOT TAILGATE

Russian intercontinental ballistic missiles were stuck in a traffic jam

(Thanks to James Flynn) 

FLORIDA ELECTED OFFICIAL OF THE WEEK SO FAR

The vice mayor of Fort Meade was arrested Tuesday on a charge of aggravated stalking after she was accused of making harassing calls to a friend whom she suspected of having an affair with her husband.

(Thanks to James Flynn)

THE THIN MINTS *ARE* ADDICTIVE

Girl Scout cookie buyer arrested in DEA drug bust

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SOON TO BE A HEARTWARMING MOTION PICTURE

Firefighters rescue fat rat stuck in sewer grate

(Thanks to John Hayden, Eric Y and wiredog)

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AND IN SPORTS

College baseball game interrupted when osprey attempting to flee eagle drops fish onto field

(Thanks to Hayseed Tom and John Lobert, who says “You know who put them up to it.”)

A HALF-TON OF DYNAMITE IS ON THE WAY

Dead humpback whale discovered in Brazil’s Amazon jungle puzzles researchers

(Thanks to Dave Roe, who says “The Oregon DOT's fingerprints are all over this.”)

‘WITHOUT HER CONSENT’

Florida man arrested for throwing cookie at girlfriend

(Thanks to pharmaross, Le Petomane and Ralph)

AND THE SO-CALLED ‘DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE’ DOES NOTHING

Lucky Charms flavored beer to launch this weekend

(Thanks to Gary Schroeder, Matt Filar and Jay Brandeis)

TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE

McDonald’s customer flies into rage over apple pie not being ready, gets arrested

(Thanks to Kevin Smith and pharmaross)

THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR TRYING TO HELP

A man is being sued by a Chinese airline after throwing coins into the engine for “good luck”.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SO NEXT TIME IT QUALIFIES FOR THE FIRST-CLASS UPGRADE

Australian python makes 9,000-mile flight in woman's shoe

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Le Petomane)

GUYS IN ACTION DOWN UNDER

Perth man superglued butt to counter, uses gherkin juice to free himself

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

THEY SHOULD NOT BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

A Florida woman is accused of attacking her boyfriend with a selfie stick.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AND THEY ALL HAVE VALID ETC.

FLORIDA’S HERPES-CARRYING MONKEY POPULATION IS BOOMING

(Thanks to Alkali Bill)

STAND TALL, WISCONSIN, WHILE HOLDING ON TO SOMETHING

According to data collected by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and University of Wisconsin Population Health Institute, Wisconson cities land in 12 of the top 20 drunkest in the United States.

(Thanks to funny man)

CLASSY

Vaping-themed wedding photos.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE WERE PROMISED FLYING CARS

Nike’s self-lacing sneakers turn into bricks after faulty firmware update

(Thanks to Ralph)

 

AND WE'RE SHOCKED THAT IT WASN'T IN AUSTRALIA

Couple shocked to find massive snake living in their toilet

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

STATE OF ROMANCE

A Florida police officer has been suspended without pay for letting a pair of suspects get hot and heavy in the back of his patrol car last summer, according to authorities.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Zombie rat CYBORGS controlled by the human MIND in ‘Frankenstein’ tests are steered through maze in bizarre experiments

We saw them open for Hanson.

(Thanks to DaninDallas and Le Petomane, who says "If scientists use this technology on squirrels, we have a huge problem.")

THERE IS NO SCANDAL LIKE A CANADIAN SCANDAL

Canadians Allege That Tim Hortons Employees Are Pre-Rolling Their Roll Up The Rim Cups

(Thanks to The Perts)

FLORIDA SPORTS REPORT

Bonita Springs golf course gator jumps up, catches ball, golfer says

(Thanks to Ralph, DaninDallas, Chris Elzi and pharmaross)

'DUNNO IF I'M MAD DRUNK OR THIS IS ACTUALLY REAL'

Woman takes entire drain grate back home after getting heels caught on night out

(Thanks to John Lobert)

ALWAYS A GOOD WAY TO AVOID SUSPICION

Police Cage Prowler Wearing Gorilla Suit

Somehow this did not happen in Florida.

(Thanks to Michael Moyer, elseabs and Le Petomane)

GUESS THE CONTINENT

Nightmarish video of gigantic snake hoisting bird into sky

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and Ralph)

THEY BOTH PRODUCED VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Florida man carrying huge rattlesnake stopped by police after scared locals issue complaints

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)