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February 04, 2019

SEND IT TO WASHINGTON

Watch this naked, glitter-farting troll greet guests at Universal Orlando theme park

WE WERE PROMISED FLYING CARS

Puma Debuts $330 iPhone-Connected Self-Lacing Sneakers to Compete With Nike

(Thanks to Kevin Smith, who says "Next breakthrough: iPhone-connected jockstrap!")

DUDE

Fisherman uses dead shark as a bong

(Thanks to John Lobert)

'WOULD-BE ROBBER SPLITS'

An attempted robbery at an Ontario convenience store was foiled when the would-be thief was struck with a banana. Startled store staff defended themselves by hitting the male suspect with the fruit, forcing him to flee.

(Thanks to Ralph)

AUSTRALIAAAAAAAA

Crocodiles may turn up in the street, other 'unusual places,' officials warn amid Australia floods

(Thanks to pharmaross)

TRY 'PASSWORD'

This crypto exchange can't repay the $190 million to customers because the CEO died with the only password

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

AS FLORIDA AS FLORIDA GETS

A stripper in Pasco County was arrested after getting into a fight with another stripper and ripping a power meter off a building.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

MAKING IT FAR MORE EXCITING THAN THE SUPER BOWL

Black Cat Interrupts Everton Game

(Thanks to EricY)

'SMALL CHARCOAL GRILL, FINGER'

Ariana Grande offered $2m to remove botched tattoo

(Thanks to Fabian Marson, who notes that at least it doesn't say "Bite the wax tadpole.")

(Which is a reference to a column this blog emitted thousands of years ago.)

EXPLODING WITH FLAVOR

WWI Hand Grenade Found Among Potato Shipment At Chip Factory In Hong Kong

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

SUPER BOWL UPDATE

We fell asleep after the 173rd punt in the first half. We were briefly awakened by a partially naked man shrieking in a falsetto voice, apparently in pain because of all the tattoos. Who won? Did anybody?

 
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