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January 15, 2019


Bride wants bridesmaids to wear contacts so their eyes don't clash with dresses

(Thanks to John Lobert)


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I already have brown eyes so I'd be okay. I tried contact lenses one time but evidently I have a strong aversion to sticking anything in or on my eye. Also, this is very much over the top.

I'd tell her, "I'm afraid I can't be there, as I'm suffering from Rectal Myopia...I can't see my ass coming to your wedding."

I'd advise these bridesmaids to bow out altogether so their common sense and sanity doesn't clash with this bridezilla.

Simple solutions:

a) if you have to clash, wear sunglasses
b) wear a human version of blinkers, the periphial vision device used in horse racers
c) lock the nutty bride up

And if you don't wear glasses you should wear the contacts anyway? WTFBBQ is wrong with her?

Hint to bride: lose the chartreuse dresses.

Every article I read about a bridezilla, my heart goes out to the idiot future husband. It will cost him a fortune later on to get shed of her and no one needs a crystal ball to foresee this coming.

To be fair, she at least had the sense to ask on Facebook if it would be too much before actually telling her bridesmaids to do this. I've heard much much worse.

Did Susan find a new sucker fiancé?

Why stop at potentially clashing eye color?
Why not tell them they need to color their hair and paint their skin?
Get plastic surgery to enhance or reduce their various dimensions?
Make them all look like precise pretty dollies to play with on wedding day.
Heaven forbid that the women she calls friends would have anything unique about them to ruin her palate.

Le Pet, I'm with you: run, don't walk, away from this gal.

Maybeline has come out with swords eye brush and new shades that clash and emerge victorius.

--from the new imaginary ad featuring our first lady.

Don't know when I've been so blue
Don't know what's come over you
You want our gowns chartreuse
But don't you make my brown eyes blue

I'll be fine when you're gone
I'll just laugh all night long
Say it isn't true and you
Don't get to make my brown eyes blue

In the twilight glow I see them
Blue eyes cryin' in the rain
When we kissed goodbye and parted
I knew we'd never meet again

I asked my bridesmaids if they could please just wear black shoes. One responded "What kind of black shoes? Heels? Flats? Patent? Suede?" I told her BLACK shoes. I didn't care if they were Doc Martens or Jimmy Choos. Just black ones. How can women obsess over these things?

Addendum: Another one wanted to know how to "do her hair." I told her "I don't care. Whatever you want. Dye it blue to match your dress. Shave your head. Wear a clown wig. It's YOUR hair!"

I used to play a semi-cruel game with the wedding pictures in the paper where I invented categories for the wedding/marriage. Surprisingly few were needed, like "Second Time Around" (tipoff was grey hair and matching Hawaiian shirts). If you correlated the category with projected length of marriage, the worst category was "Just for the Pictures." That much perfection levees a big price, and it can NOT be maintained.

@Guin: I totally understand. My father was a wedding photographer and in my teen years I worked with him as the sidelight man. The obsession by some brides (and, to be fair, also some grooms and some parents) was mind-boggling. One that still sticks in my memory was a very expensive and glitzy wedding reception. The bride missed most of it and spent the evening in her dressing room, in tears, because she had gotten a one-inch rip in the hem of her train.

I never understand when newlyweds are full-bore on making the wedding "the best day of our lives." Folks, it's only the FIRST day of the rest of your lives together. It had better NOT be the best, because if it is then there's nowhere for it to go from there but downhill.

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