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January 26, 2019

TIME FOR STRICT FEDERAL CONTROLS

Driver arrested for being under the influence of vanilla extract

(Thanks to Ralph)

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"But," she likely mumbled in a sort of whine, in her jail cell, "it was supposed to seamlessly cover up the alcohol..."

There already is strict Federal controls: Vanilla Extract must be at least 35 percent alcohol (aka 70 proof, same as run) and some is 40 percent (aka 80 proof). I used to find discarded bottles when cleaning up the highway by my house. I couldn't figure it out until I read the label. I figure teens were buying vanilla extract ("Mom's making banana bread.") and driving around while they drink. Vanilla extract costs $2.50 an ounce while an excellent single-malt scotch can be had for $2 ounce. And vanilla extract tastes terrible. Or so I'm told.

Arresting officers did note that she had the best breath of any DWI bust they could remember.

If she had been on Facebook it would have been worse. The breath of vanilla extract and pee is far worse than an an in-flight filtered fart.

Chocolate extract is much preferable.

nursecindy told me.

She was out partying with the Barefoot Contessa, who has been known to brew her own Brown Lightening.

Alcoholic screwballs take mouthwash into big box store bathrooms and drink it, so why not vanilla extract ?

Tom Hanks quote from Family Ties (he played an alcoholic brother to the Mom - what's her name) after he downs a bottle of vanilla extract: "Don't bake and drive."

or you could eat some combination of many creme brûlées and vanilla puddings to get the same effect. Maybe with more calories.

So would the expert witnesses for a trial be Ben & Jerry?

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