Dave Barry's Blog

IT'S FLORIDA, SO THIS SHOULD BE COVERED BY THE WARRANTY

Miami Gardens man finds boa constrictor in car’s engine

(Thanks to John Lobert)

YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY

Woman is caught with 24 GERBILS strapped to her legs under her skirt at a Taiwanese customs checkpoint

(Thanks to Mac Turl)

SEEMS KIND OF... REDUNDANT

Man treated in hospital after injecting himself with own semen

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN

'They come back with big eyes': pétanque rocked by drug allegations

(Thanks to John Dodds, who says "Drugs? In Petanque?")

This blog happens to be familiar with petanque, having played it at a high level. (Get it? A "high" level?" Har!)  Another link about this blog's petanque exploits can be found here.

'SUPERMODEL KAIA GERBER HAS ALREADY FREQUENTED SKIN CAMP'

First "Facial Workout" Studio Opens in L.A.

A FLORIDA TANK LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Tank said to have rolled across highway as crew dozed inside

(Thanks to Jay Brandes, who says "I think tanks always have the right of way.")

WHAT CHOICE DID SHE HAVE?

Florida woman pulls gun at salon after being told to take a 'chill pill'

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SECOND THROUGH SEVENTEENTH PLACES WENT TO WOLVES

Runner crosses marathon distance in Siberia at insane -60°C

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko) 

NOT FUNNY, BUT FASCINATING

The true story of the Thai cave rescues.

GUYS

One in three women told condom was 'too small' to use, research finds

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SO IT’S SETTLED

Ph.D. Student’s Thesis Presents “Scientific Evidence” The Earth Is Flat

(Thanks to Laurie Ann-Farr Cavanaugh Bobskill)

APPARENTLY JESUS HAS A FLORIDA DRIVER’S LICENSE

Man said Jesus told him to drive Ferrari off Palm Beach dock

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

TOTALLY REASONABLE

Bride wants bridesmaids to wear contacts so their eyes don't clash with dresses

(Thanks to John Lobert)

POLICE WERE HOT ON THE TRAIL

Panties, bras fly from car window during dangerous high-speed chase from Portage to Chesterton, police say

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE’RE ON OUR WAY

Tanker truck carrying 3,500 gallons of chocolate spills onto Arizona's I-40

(Thanks to funny man, Dave Emery, Al Barkafski, Jane Linderman, Jay Brandeis, pharmaross, Le Petomane and Allen at Division)

THESE ARE CONSENTING SPIDERS

Australian Reptile Park releases video of funnel web spiders mating

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

DARPA Wants to Build Conscious Robots Using Insect Brains

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

NO DOUBT EN ROUTE TO MIAMI

Houston police chief writes 140 mph speeding ticket to driver of Dodge Viper

(Thanks to pharmaross and Rod Nunley)

BRAZIL WEATHER FORECAST

There's a 100 percent chance of spiders.

(Thanks to John Lobert and Kevin Smith)

IT WOULD MAKE QUITE A TROPHY

8:01 a.m. Two hunters apparently shot the side of a house multiple times. The hunters said they were on public land and didn’t know there was a house there. The homeowner said it’s his land and, either way, he didn’t want them shooting at his house anymore.

Guess the county.

(Thanks to funny man and Bob Brogan)

WOOF, DUDE

A drug-sniffing dog working for police in Florida was given anti-overdose medication after ingesting drugs while searching party cruise passengers.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

511, TO BE EXACT

Australian snake catcher rescues python with 500 ticks

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

IT'S ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Corrections officers find stolen Rolex watches in suspect’s vagina

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

JUST SHOOT US

Unicorn armpit hair is now a thing

(Thanks to John Lobert and pharmaross)

CANADA: ON THE FOREFRONT OF CULINARY INNOVATION

Taco Bell releasing billboard that dispenses real nacho cheese

(Thanks to John Lobert)

IMAGINE THE POTPOURRI OF FLAVORS

Florida man chews up seat of police car after cocaine arrest, officials say

(Thanks to John Lobert)

LIFESTYLES OF ROCK LEGENDS

"The committee may not have been aware that Robbie Williams has been playing loud 70's rock music on outside speakers when he views Jimmy Page outside his home,” he wrote. "What's been most annoying is that Mr. Williams has played rock arch rival bands Black Sabbath, Pink Floyd and Deep Purple. He obviously knows this upsets Mr. Jimmy Page. There have also been some reports that Robbie Williams has dressed up to imitate iconic Led Zeppelin frontman and lead singer Robert Plant.”

(Thanks to funny man)

SEND HIM TO WASH... NO, WAIT, NEVER MIND

Freshman congressman tries to bring 6-pack onto House floor

(Thanks to Charles Cates, who says "It's not the Supreme Court, buddy.")

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHTS LEFT

Woman banned from Walmart after riding cart while drinking wine from Pringles can, police say

(Thanks to wanderer2575, Peter Metrinko, John Lobert, DaninDallas, Dave Kearns and pharmaross)

SURE

Woman’s bizarre illness means she can’t hear men’s voices

(Thanks to pharmaross and John Lobert, who says "My wife says I have the men’s version of this.)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Polk firefighters fought chicken feces fire on Highway 60 West

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WAIT... THIS IS ILLEGAL?

A man who police say placed a 3-foot alligator on top of another man in Connecticut as part of an extortion attempt has pleaded guilty to reduced charges.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

YET ANOTHER REASON WHY WE NEED A WALL ON THE CANADIAN BORDER

Nearly 100 chickens were on the loose on the Saanich Peninsula and nobody knows where they came from

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

OH, *THAT*

A Nashville inmate claimed he "didn't have anything on him" as a bag of pink Fentanyl was hanging from his buttocks.

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes)

FOOLS

Nashville Boat Show returns this week with water skiing squirrel

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who says "It's all fun and games until they chew a hole through your hull .")

IT'S GETTING SO YOU CAN'T PASS OUT ANYWHERE ANY MORE

Waffle House fires workers caught dancing with passed out customer, pouring food on him

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE SAW UNEXPECTED PYTHON OPEN FOR WHITESNAKE

Unexpected python makes a scene at highway toll booth

(Thanks to Ralph)

FLORIDA: STATE OF ROMANCE

St. Pete firefighter arrested for having sex in middle of road, on hood of car

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

This blog is not making fun of any names in this article.

FINALLY

Mystery of woman’s groin revealed in St. Lucie County

(Thanks to pharmaross)

DAMN TELEMARKETERS

Astronomers intercept mysterious repeating radio signals from space

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias, who says they're saying "Turn... Down... The... Music...")

PENISES IN THE NEWS

Male sex robots with unstoppable bionic penises are coming this year

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

Newsreader mocked for wearing 'penis jacket' on TV - people 'can't unsee it'

(Thanks to John Lobert, pharmaross and Emily Leslie and w)

HANG A SHINING STAR UPON THE HIGHEST... YIKES!

More than 100 praying mantises brought in by Christmas tree invade woman's home

(Thanks to many people)

True Fact: This blog knows the woman referred to in this headline, Molly Kreuze, who happens to be the daughter of this blog's friend and former editor, Gene Weingarten. Gene informs this blog he will be writing a column about this incident.

DIFFICULT TO MAKE A CONDOM THAT SMALL

Are scientists developing birth control for mosquitoes?

(Thanks to The Perts)

YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?

Man walks into McDonald's with a dead raccoon

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AUSSIE GUYS IN ACTION

A man has admitted to setting fire to a speed-camera using a fuel-soaked sock

Name We Are Not Making Fun Of: Russell Weribone

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE WERE PROMISED FLYING CARS

Ford's Robutt is a sweaty robot butt for testing vehicle seats

(Thanks to Robutto... no, sorry, Roberto)

'THAT'S NOT TRUE'

Amazon's Alexa awkwardly interrupts tech executive during CES demo

(Thanks to funny man)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

210-foot 'fatberg' clogs sewer in English town

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

WHO AMONG US HAS NEVER DONE THIS?

Man caught on video licking house's intercom system for hours

(Thanks to A. Wheeler, B'game, Matt Filar, Le Petomane, Peter Metrinko and elseabs, who says "It tasted like chicken. Incredibly delicious chicken, apparently.")

UNABLE TO FILL OUT THE FORMS, IT LEFT

Moose wanders into Alaska hospital building

(Thanks to EricY, pharmaross and Jane Linderman)