Dave Barry's Blog

HAPPY NEW YEAR

This past year had its rough moments for us here the blog. We thank all of you who sent good thoughts, and we hope everyone has a fine 2019.

MAYBE WE NEED A MORATORIUM ON THINGS BEING DROPPED ON NEW YEAR'S EVE

It's worse than we thought.

(Thanks to funny man)

TIME FOR A SENATE COMMITTEE HEARING

Did Grover Drop an F-Bomb on Sesame Street? The Internet Is Divided

(Thanks to pharmaross and funny man)

WATCH OUT, BOISE

Folly Beach's giant Flip Flop seen practicing the New Year's Eve drop

(Thanks to nursecindy)

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS A LOVELY MOMENT

Miss Congo's Hair Catches on Fire Moments After Being Crowned Miss Africa 2018

(Thanks to funny man and pharmaross)

FOR THIS BLOG, IT'S *EVERY* DAY

Yesterday was Natonal Bacon Day.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

A Florida family's Whirlpool refrigerator exploded inside their home

(Thanks to 

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS A LOVELY WEDDING

"The groom had an apparently psycho ex, who had been stalking them and found out about the wedding," the manager said. "She became enraged that he was getting remarried. She stormed into the venue, grabbed the wedding cake, and chucked it at the newlyweds! I mean she-hulking a beautiful three-tier cake!"

(Thanks to funny man)

THERE IS WEIRD, AND THEN THERE IS AUSTRALIA WEIRD

Cane toads snake a ride on python to escape storm in northern Australia

(Thanks to Alkali Bill, Roberto, Howard from Broward and pharmaross)

THE TENSION IS ALMOST UNBEARABLE

Annual Idaho Potato Drop to impact traffic, road closures

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

MUMS IN ACTION

Mum forced to call fire brigade after her attempt to unblock her loo fills home with deadly gas

(Thanks to Jim Perth)

ADVISORY

Durex recalls condoms over 'burst pressure' concerns

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "DO THEY REALLY WANT IT BACK?")

'NOT ALIENS,' TWEETS MAYOR'S SPOKESPERSON

MASSIVE Con Ed Transformer Explosion Turns Night Sky Turns BLUE

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

LOOKING BACK

What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year?

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR PAUL REVERE AND THE RAIDERS

Super blood wolf moon eclipse visible in January

(Thanks to funny man)

YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN THOSE THINGS WILL ATTACK

A 54-year-old woman who flipped her van on Dec. 23 told a trooper from Houghton Lake that she lost control of the vehicle when her German Shepherd jumped on the dashboard to bark at the wipers

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SOUNDS... AROMATIC

Frenchman sets sail across Atlantic - in a barrel

(Thanks to many people)

TO PARAPHRASE DEAN WORMER: NAKED, SWEATY AND VERY ATHLETIC IS NO WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE, SON

Deputies from the Center Point substation were dispatched Wednesday afternoon to the intersection of Alabama 79 and Red Hollow Road on a call of a man running completely nude through traffic. Once on the scene, the deputies tried to take the man into custody but had trouble due to the fact the man was sweaty and very athletic, said Chief Deputy Randy Christian. Once he was actually caught, he bit through the glove of a deputy.

In That Case, Sir: He said the 'devil' told him to do it.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

IMPORTANT UPDATE ON THE HIGH-TECH GLITTER-BOMB FART-SPRAY PORCH-PIRATE DETERRENT DEVICE (HTGBFSPPDD)

Glitter bomb creator Mark Rober has admitted that portions of his video were likely staged ― but not by him, he says. In a Thursday tweet, Rober said two incidents in his original video that purported to show his booby-trapped package exploding on thieves appeared to have been staged by friends, unbeknownst to him. He said he was “gutted” when he realized this, and hoped it doesn’t “taint the entire effort as ‘fake.’”

(Thanks to Mac Turl)

WE'RE TOTALLY ON HIS SIDE

Seven-year-old calls 911 after getting snow pants for Christmas

(Thanks to The Perts, Allen at Division and N.N.)

MASSACHUSETTS: FLORIDA OF THE NORTH

Man carrying crossbow charged with stealing Christmas presents in Chicopee

(Thanks to Laurie Ann-Farr Cavanaugh Bobskill)

SEEMS REASONABLE ENOUGH

A Dallas man spent Christmas Eve attempting to carjack drivers at gunpoint and demanding they take him to get tacos, police say.

(Thanks to Raymond Koonce, pharmaross and Not My Usual Alias)

CHRISTMAS IN THE SUNSHINE STATE

Florida woman wields Christmas tree amid domestic dispute

Great white shark tagged off Canada spends Christmas Eve off SW Florida coast

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE YEAR IN REVIEW

Hey, don't shoot the messenger.

ALWAYS A SHREWD LEGAL MANEUVER

Long Island couple accused of punching trooper, throwing soiled underwear during DWI arrest

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AND YOU THOUGHT 2018 WAS BAD

Japanese fashion design studio Mimi recently launched a collection of insanely realistic snake-print stockings that make your legs look like real snakes and, if social media feedback is any indication, they’ll soon be challenging animal print for supremacy in the fashion world.

(Thanks to Ralph)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Female lice grow penises, demand 70 hours of sex: study

(Thanks to Jane Linderman and pharmaross)

CHRISTMAS IN KENTUCKY

Man arrested for allegedly throwing ham at woman in argument over Christmas dinner

(Thanks to John Lobert and Lynn Burlingame)

HEY, BLOG PEOPLE:

Merry Christmas.

And especially this year:

TAKING THE SHORTCUT TO FLORIDA

Man Launches His BMW Into the Air Ahead of a Slovakian Tunnel Like This is Grand Theft Auto

(Thanks to Rick Day and pharmaross)

PRETTY COOL (OR WHATEVER THE KIDS SAY THESE DAYS)

This 195-gigapixel photo is so huge, you can zoom in and see people’s faces

(Thanks to funny man)

NAME THAT STATE!

Woman claims to be God, commits armed robbery, attempts escape on tricycle, deputies say

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

YOU'LL GO DOWN IN HISTORY

Police in Fort Collins are asking the public to help identify someone captured on surveillance video breaking into a business last week while wearing a giant “Rudolph” mask.

(Thanks to Rick Day, pharmaross and The Fourth George)

THE NEWS FROM CANADA

Questionable bushes hard to ignore

This has been The News From Canada.

(Thanks to funny man)

'CANNED CHICKEN MEETS MINT MEETS SUGAR MEETS SATAN'

Candy canes flavored like rotisserie chicken and mac and cheese are Santa’s way of saying ‘no, no, no!’

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

NEED A LAST-MINUTE GIFT FOR DAD?

Lamborghini hybrid supercar rumored to cost $3 million and glow in the dark

(Thanks to Rick Day)

IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

Standoff began when Fort Worth man shot wife's laptop over her loud music, police say

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Investigators say a 61-year-old Wisconsin man was arrested for tearing down a neighbor's Christmas decorations while drunk and naked.

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

HEADS UP

Hippo-shaped asteroid heading home for the holidays

(Thanks to funny man, who who thinks it looks "more like a turd.")

HERE IN MIAMI, WE'RE ALREADY PRETTY DEEP INTO CHRISTMAS

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

In total 18 males were in the ute and the driver returned an evidentiary breath test of 0.071.

Media Officer Whose Name We Are Not Making Fun Of, As Doing So Would Violate This Blog's Strict Policy: Belinda Batty

(Thanks to Fabian Marson, who says "The article does not say where they were headed, but readers of this blog will know.")

SEEMS LIKE PUNISHMENT ENOUGH

A man in Turlock stole a car, attempted to flee from officers at a speed of over 110 mph, crashed, and hid in a cattle pen covered in cow excrement before surrendering after getting too cold, police say.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

OOPS

Two women were caught allegedly stealing $1,900 worth of electronics from a Bloomfield Township Target on the same day the store was packed with police for a Shop with a Cop event.

(Thanks to Noah Spicker)

OUR HIGHEST NATIONAL HEALTH-CARE PRIORITY

Doctor notes rise in 'selfie wrist' cases

(Thanks to pharmaross and Bob Brogan)

THANKS FOR THE IMAGE

John Wayne Bobbitt Says His Penis Has 'Been Through the Wringer' In New ABC Special

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SORT OF HOW WE ENVISION RETIREMENT, EXCEPT IN OUR CASE IT’S A BREWERY

Missing Cat Found Doubled In Size And Living Within A Pet Food Factory

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

 

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THINGS COULD NOT POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE

People Are Complaining That Hershey's Kisses Have Broken Tips

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

NOW YOU KNOW

A big space crash likely made Uranus lopsided

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko and Ralph)

MAKES SENSE TO US

Florida's favorite Christmas movie is ... 'Batman Returns'?

(Thanks to Ralph)

THIS HAS HAPPENED TO US AT PARTIES

Matter Sucked in by Black Holes May Travel into the Future, Get Spit Back Out