Dave Barry's Blog

SLAP TAIL FOR SERVICE

Beavers casually stroll into Cumberland Farms store

(Thanks to Rid Nunley)

IT'S A HUMAN RIGHT, DUDE

Some Oregonians want to legalize psychedelic mushrooms

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

AND IN SPORTS

People Are Betting Thousands On Illegal Cricket Fighting In China

(Thanks to pharmaross)

YOUR 'PREMATURE WITHDRAWAL' HEADLINE GOES HERE

Randy couple caught having sex in a BANK by shocked bystanders as they waited to use ATM

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THESE KIDS TODAY

Millennials in China Are Using Nudes to Secure Loans

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Hurling and camogie on UNESCO list of protected cultural activities

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

Who among us has never hurled a camogie?

HE WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA MEDICAL LICENSE

Florida doctor accused of peeing on himself, confessing love to deputy during DUI arrest

(Thanks to John Mayson)

CSI: CANADA

High-speed chase ends with police recovering $20,000 of maple syrup

(Thanks to Roberto)

IT IS? SINCE WHEN?

Couple forced to prove that New Mexico is a state while applying for marriage license

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

IN THEIR DEFENSE, THE BUS WAS NOT MOVING

Duo Arrested For Operating Dental Practice Out Of A Bus in Miami

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IT'S A KEEPER

Bladder stone the size of a melon pulled out of man’s stomach

(Thanks to John Lobert)

SUAVE

Woman reveals how a suitor told her to wear a black dress for their ‘surprise’ outing - then took her to his grandmother's FUNERAL

(Thanks to Roberto)

PLUG FOR A PAL

If you're looking for a gift for somebody who loves sports and/or loves to read, consider The Big Fella, by this blog's old friend Jane Leavy, who's a fine reporter and a wonderful writer. It's highly recommended by this blog, even though it's about a New York Yankee.

 

CORRECT

You don’t wanna know what was found on McDonald’s self-service screens

(Thanks to Geoff and pharmaross)

SCIENCE: EXPANDING THE FRONTIERS OF HUMAN UNDERSTANDING

Study reveals how long it takes for LEGO head to pass through adult human digestive tract

(Thanks to Ralph, James in NC and pharmaross)

HE LOOKS SKETCHY TO US

70-year-old might have to cancel vacation after accidentally labeling himself a terrorist on visa form

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CSI: FLATHEAD COUNTY

9:09 a.m. A Libby woman reported that someone broke into her house and moved all her remotes.

The horror.

(Thanks to Roberto)

'DECORATIVE BIRCH BUNDLE'

Online Homeware Store Mocked for Selling Handful of Twigs for $42

"Seriously. The ground’s covered in them."

(Thanks to Ralph)

THIS IS NOT GOOD

A 2-foot-tall squirrel.

(Thanks to DaninDallas and Mark Schlesinger)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Researchers from the Imagineering Institute in Malaysia have developed ‘digital smell technology’, that could let you send smells online.

(Thanks to Michael Moyer)

MORE GUYS IN ACTION

Guy Rides On SUV Roof To Secure Couch During Transport

(Thanks to John Lobert and pharmaross)

GUYS IN ACTION

Baby’s gender reveal sparked massive wildfire that took 800 firefighters a week to put out

What Could Possibly Go Wrong? He planned to fire a gun at a target that would explode with either pink or blue powder.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

(Not to be pedantic, but: It's "hare-brained." Not "hair-brained.")

Another version of the story, with video, is here.

(Thanks to pharmaross and Fabian Marson)

OOPS

Kelly Young sold a pair of boots to a man on Ebay - but forgot she had hidden her trusty vibrator in one of the shoes

(Thanks to John Lobert)

CSI: EW

A man who laughed at police when they found no drugs in his pockets was actually hiding a bag of cocaine tucked in his foreskin, a court has heard.

(Thanks to Hayseed Tom, who says "Apparently it stood up in court.")

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Woman passes gas in store, then pulls knife on an offended customer, cops say

(Thanks to Mac Turl, Allen at Division, Al Barkafski, pharmaross, the OssBoss and Stan Ruth)

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT

Massive Santa causing trouble after breaking free from garden

(Thanks to DaninDallas, John Lobert and pharmaross)

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

Not this blog.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE OLD-WORLD SOPHISTICATION OF TRAVELING BY TRAIN

“What the stewardesses ended up doing was making a porta-potty out of a cardboard box.”

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE CASE FOR HIGHLY ABSORBENT UNDERWEAR

Watch a First-Time Hang Glider Hang On for Dear Life After Realizing He's Not Strapped In

(Thanks to funny man)

AFTER WHICH IT PRODUCED A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Bear Opens Door, Strolls Into Calif. Highway Patrol Facility

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE'RE GUESSING THIS WILL RESULT IN AN UNFAVORABLE YELP REVIEW

Wedding photographer 'had sex with a guest and urinated on a tree' before telling officers 'y'all families will be dead by Christmas'

(Thanks to Michael Moyer, pharmaross and manual tomato)

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING

ATM Malfunction Causes Stir, Spits Out $100 Bills Instead Of $20

The post caused a late night run at the ATM, with cars lining up and even a few fights erupting.

However: Officials with Bank of America said the withdrawals were made with the ATM cards and the associated pins and that the correct withdrawal amounts will be applied to those customers.

(Thanks to Steve K, pharmaross, Stan Ruth and funny man)

FASHION UPDATE

Japanese company’s hands-free umbrella looks like a giant condom for your head

(Thanks to Ralph)

CANADA IS NOW COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL

Chinatown koi evacuation begins as otter rampage claims 10th fatality

(Thanks to The Perts)

Coincidentally, we once saw Otter Rampage open for Koi Evacuation.

TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE

Prisoner caught with phone up his bum claimed he knew nothing about it

(Thanks to Ralph)

'HEY, MRS. HART. YOU KNOW I CAN GET YOU FIRED.'

Kindergartners and first-graders stabbing others with pencils, trashing classrooms and threatening teachers were among the many concerns raised at Monday’s Orange School Committee meeting.

(Thanks to Laurie Ann-Farr Cavanaugh Bobskill)

Note that, in keeping with our strict policy, we are not making fun of the name of the newspaper.

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

How high-tech toilets could soon be tracking your every movement

(Thanks to Michael Parry)

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS GLITCH-FREE

Dozens of brightly-coloured robots suddenly fall from the sky after they malfunction during a drone show in China

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who says "About those self-driving cars....")

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Man tries to break into bank with Bird scooter

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

HO HO HO

Amazon slammed for selling hardcore porn DVD in ‘Dad Gifts’ category

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

PRIORITIES

A 52-year-old Florida man used a stolen identity to pay for $40,000 worth of dental work and to buy a $10,000 puppy, the Volusia County Sheriff's Office said.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

MEANING THE ASTRONAUTS WILL HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE

International Space Station toilets infested with infectious 'space bugs'

(Thanks to Le Petomane and pharmaross)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID ETC.

Florida authorities have caught a huge lizard that has terrified residents of a suburban Miami neighborhood for months.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IT NOW OWNS THREE LUXURY CONDOS ON SOUTH BEACH

Turtle Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

YOU THINK?

Man suspected of money laundering after $400,000 found in washing machine

(Thanks to many people)

YET HE LOOKS SO NICE

Cincinnati man covered in face tattoos is arrested for the 54th TIME and charged with kidnapping a woman and holding her for $100 ransom

(Thanks to Geoff)

FILLED WITH UNCOUNTED BALLOTS

Mysterious tunnels discovered in Florida

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

HELLO, TERMINIX?

Termite mound network the size of Great Britain discovered in Brazil

(Thanks to The Perts)

BLACK FRIDAY UPDATE

Across the pond they're fighting over "Kevin the Carrot" dolls.

IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING HOW THE SQUIRRELS FINANCE THEIR CRIMINAL ENTERPRISES

An ATM was found in the Maine woods. No one knows where it came from.

(Thanks to Ralph)