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November 19, 2018

BUT IN WHAT *ORDER* DID HE CLEAN THEM?

Cleaner at luxury Chinese hotel caught cleaning toilet and drinking cups with same sponge

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THIS IS HOW MOST OF OUR EVENINGS END

An Oklahoma man paid a visit a strip club at 3 a.m. — and police said that bad decision set in motion a bizarre series of events that resulted in him running naked down a country road.

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

You Can Now Buy Christmas Fairy Lights For Beards

(Thanks to Ann)

THAT WILL SHOW THEM

A Man Was so Angry His Flight Was Cancelled He Set His Own Luggage on Fire

(Thanks to pharmaross and John Lobert)

BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT

A mini ice age could be on the way

(Thanks to The Perts)

NOW WITH ADDED PROTEIN

Woman discovers live frog in her Cava salad

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

CELEBRITY LIFESTYLES UPDATE

Sarah Logan Farted In The ‘Ride Along’ Car

(Thanks tp pharmaross)

ALL HUMANITY REJOICES

Wombat poop: Scientists have finally discovered why it's cubed

(Thanks to Lisa Caplinger, Ralph, the Perts, funny man, Andrew Mendez and Michael Moyer)

these kids today

University lecturers told DON'T USE CAPS as it frightens students

(thanks to allen at division)

CANADA: A NATION IN CHAOS

Stolen snowplow truck driven by man without pants crashes in Portugal Cove-St. Philip's

(Thanks to The Perts)

November 18, 2018

IN CASE YOU HAD ANY LINGERING DOUBTS ABOUT HIS UNFITNESS TO REIGN:

Prince William says his dad Prince Charles is ‘infatuated’ with squirrels

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Catherine DeLorey)

DUH, BECAUSE YOU CAN SEE WHERE YOU'VE JUST BEEN

Walking backwards can boost your short-term memory, study suggests (but scientists have no idea why!)

(Thanks to coscolo)

November 17, 2018

AND IN SPORTS

Farting Controversy Clouds Grand Slam Of Darts Quarterfinal

(Thanks to Cindy Pearson)

POLLY WANNA SHUT UP

Parrot’s smoke alarm impression was so good firefighters were called

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "You know who put him up to it.")

URGENT CELEBRITY UPDATE

Shania Twain once accidentally urinated during performance

(Thanks to pharmaross)

TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE

A man accused of threatening to blow up Willie’s Chicken Shack Tuesday night (Nov. 13) claimed to police when confronted about the allegation that his words were merely a reference to a bowel movement, the man’s warrant states.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

Man attacks roommates with ax over thermostat setting

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS A LOVELY CEREMONY

Casey walked down the aisle in her wedding gown, and when it came time for them to do her vows, she turned to all of their friends and family members and said, “There will be no wedding today. It seems Alex is not who I thought he was.” Then she took out her phone and read the text messages that he had sent this other woman out loud.

(Thanks to Steve K.)

WHOEVER THAT IS

A holidaymaker who is suing British Airways for £10,000 has told a court he was injured after being forced to squeeze into a seat next to an obese man who was “the size of Jonah Lomu”.

County We Are Not Making Fun Of The Name Of: "Pontypridd"

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and pharmaross)

THESE KIDS TODAY

You don't want to know.

Seriously, you don't.

(Thanks to Barry Nester and coscolo, who says, quote, "Ew.")

November 16, 2018

WE SAY GIVE HER THE CHAIR, IF THEY HAVE THE CHAIR IN CANADA

The Supreme Court of Canada agreed Thursday to hear the case of a woman who was ticketed and arrested after she refused instructions to hold onto an escalator handrail.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HE MEANT TO BUY CLOTHES

A man in China woke up with more than just a hangover Sunday after allegedly splashing out on a peacock, a giant salamander and a pig while drunk.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

STILL MORE FLORIDAAAAAAAAAA

Large-necked man and Joker lookalike are upping the ‘Florida Man’ mugshot game

An elderly woman worried about the meth she was smoking. So she took it to her doctor, cops say

(Thanks to pharmaross, Steve K and Jane Linderman)

WE BET IT'S REGISTERED IN FLORIDA

A camel - an actual camel - joins stranded motorists on Pa. highway

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

It's a Worldwide Epidemic: German police secure seven camels loitering in supermarket car park

(Thanks to Charles Steindel)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY ETC?

Ford is testing self-driving cars in Miami for delivery of items like diapers and groceries

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

AND ON BEHALF OF CARL HIAASEN, THIS BLOG AND MANY OTHERS IN THE HUMOR INDUSTRY, WE SAY: THANK YOU, FLORIDA

Federal judge calls Florida the 'laughing-stock of the world'

(Thanks to Michael Parry)

POLICE HAVE SOMETHING TO GO ON

Officials in an Alabama county have a financial mess to wipe up after the sheriff's department mistakenly ordered 24,000 extra rolls of toilet paper.

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says this creates a "big budget deficit to wipe out.")

IT SHOULD NOT BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

McDonald's Worker Charged In Bacon Attack

(Thanks to elseabs, who says "Could have been worse, like a broccoli attack. Ew.") (Also thanks to Allen at Division)

Maybe We Should Ban Food Altogether: A Pittsburgh woman is facing several charges after allegedly throwing several cans of SpaghettiOs at a woman’s vehicle in Pittsburgh’s Terrace Village neighborhood.

(Thanks to DaninDallas and timbang)

TODAY'S TOP STORY

Shrine to Danny DeVito found behind college restroom's towel dispenser

(Thanks to pharmaross)

November 15, 2018

FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS

Allen Park police happy to announce there’s no feces on road

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SO HE HAS AN OPEN MIND

Japan cybersecurity minister admits he has never used a computer

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Howard from Broward)

WOMEN, NOT SO MUCH

Study: Men with beards are more attractive

(Thanks to Allen Division who notes "coincidentally" that he has a beard)

MEANWHILE DOWN UNDER

New Zealand launches balls checking booth for testicular cancer

(Thanks to Howard from Broward)

WE BLAME CLIMATE CHANGE

Are we really in the middle of a global sex recession?

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "STOP TWITTERING")

YOU JUST KNOW THIS WILL DELAY THE FLORIDA RECOUNT

Dark Matter Storm is Speeding Toward Our Sun

(Thanks to The Perts)

SHE WAS RELEASED AFTER THE LOBSTER PRODUCED A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

An intoxicated Florida Woman plucked a live lobster from a tank at a Red Lobster and bolted from the St. Petersburg restaurant with the purloined crustacean, according to police.

(Thanks to Brian Duval, Dave Kearns, Janice Gelb and Jane Linderman)

November 14, 2018

HE HAS BEEN HIRED TO HANDLE THE BROWARD COUNTY ELECTION RECOUNTS

Referee David McNamara has been handed a three-week ban by the English FA for asking two captains to play rock, paper, scissors to decide the kick-off before a Women’s Super League (WSL) match after forgetting his coin, British media reported on Tuesday.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IN THAT CASE, SIR...

Man driving 118 mph — in 45-mph zone — says he was testing new car parts

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

GUYS IN ACTION DOWN UNDER

Man arrested after allegedly setting fire to speed camera with 'flaming underwear'

(Thanks to Jim Perth)

AS RECOMMENDED BY LEGAL EXPERTS

Man crashes pickup truck into Mississippi courthouse to tell authorities his drug paraphernalia was stolen

(Thanks to John Mayson and Allen at Division)

NO JURY WOULD CONVICT HIM

New Jersey man allegedly booked for DWI says he “drank too much because the Jets suck”

(Thanks to Jane Linderman, Allen at Division and Le Petomane)

YOU KNOW WHO SOLD IT TO THEM

Police Lock Up Angry Raccoons Drunk On Crabapple Hooch Until They Sober Up

(Thanks to Ralph)

November 13, 2018

HE WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE ISSUED IN 4382 B.C.

Florida man dressed like Fred Flintstone pulled over in his ‘footmobile’

(Thanks to Roberto)

NAKED GUYS IN ACTION

 Naked Florida man revealed on video sneaking into restaurant and munching on ramen

(Thanks to R. Wolfe)

Police searching for naked man spotted outside multiple New Jersey homes

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who notes that “No one has seen Chris Christie lately.”)

YOU KNOW YOU NEED IT

Life of The Party LED Light Up 3-Piece Holiday Party Suit

There’s also a nice light-up Chanukah onesie, although somebody seems to think it’s for Christmas.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

And if that is not classy enough for the fashion-conscious man on your holiday list, consider this

(Thanks to Bill Carver)

YOU KNOW IT’S GOING TO SUE HIM

North Carolina man punches bear in nose during attack

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

MEANWHILE IN THE INCREASINGLY CASUAL SKIES

LADbible posted this video of a woman using an airplane vent to dry — what appears to be — her underwear.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

PAGING POPEYE

Truck spills spinach across Ohio highway

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says “The Green Mile, Part 2”)

IT DOESN’T GET MUCH MORE FINAL

Kimberly Santleben-Stiteler celebrated the finalization of her divorce by blowing up her wedding dress on her family farm in Lacoste, Texas, about 30 miles West of San Antonio.

(Thanks to John Criswell, pharmaross and DaninDallas)

HEY, THOSE THINGS CAN BE DANGEROUS

A resident near Lake Blaine was upset that her neighbors had been up late the previous night shooting the lake.

Guess the county. (Hint: It rhymes with “Fathead.”)

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

 
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