Dave Barry's Blog

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

Step 3: Turning urine back into beer.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

MORE MEN IN KILTS

Washing Windows

MEN IN KILTS

Doing Yoga

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and nursecindy for the thought)

HEY

I just want to thank judi for keeping this blog going. And to all of you who visit. It’s good to know there’s still a place on the internet for... OK, I have no idea what this is. I never have. But I am grateful to everyone involved.

NOT EVEN FLATHEAD COUNTY

“Who did this?! Someone placed googly eyes on our historic #NathanaelGreene statue in #JohnsonSquare,” reads a post on the City of Savannah Government Facebook page. “It may look funny but harming our historic monuments and public property is no laughing matter, in fact, it’s a crime...”

(Thanks to Ralph K. and Peter M.)

NO WORD YET ON WHETHER HE'S SINGLE

A Pakistani martial artist used his head to crack 243 walnuts, besting a Guinness World Record set earlier this year.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

WELL, GEEZ, IF ONLY SHE'D SAID SHE WAS SORRY

...for not dropping what she was doing to prepare dinner for her unemployed adult son. She totally deserved being pelted with sausages.

(Thanks to all y'all)

THE FUTURE IS HERE, AND WE COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED

Scientists Attempt to Clone Mice From Poop

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO RIGHTS LEFT

Harris County commissioners are prepared to ban so-called robot brothels, just as Houston did last week.

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

SO...WEDNESDAY?

A West Virginia woman is accused of trying to steal a car, threatening to drink deputies' blood and hiding a knife in her buttocks.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

SAVE 15% OR MORE?

Gecko butt-dials a bazillion times

(Thanks to Ralph, Janice, Todd, Jon and Ron)

YOU LOOKIN' AT ME?!

Owl leggings

WE KNOW NOTHING

We do not understand why this was sent in, but apparently it has something to do with the final sentence. 

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who adds, "Unfortunate phrasing, sir!")

FREEDOM OF SPEECH, BUT...

Fugitive Taunts Cops on Facebook Before Being Arrested

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

THE LONG ARM OF THE FACEBOOK VIDEO

A Missouri man is charged with a felony after he allegedly filmed himself removing an ankle monitor and then posted the video on Facebook.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

IS THIS THE "BITING INSECTS" ONE?

Giant mosquitoes plague North Carolina

(Thanks to Le Petomane, Charles Cates, and Roberto, who is concerned about nursecindy)

IT KEEPS HER NUTS?

Police had to remove a woman who brought an “emotional support squirrel” on a Frontier Airlines flight headed from Orlando, Florida, to Cleveland.

(Thanks to Al B., Bill H., and Allen at Division)

THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOU STOP SWIMMING IN THE LAKE

Wait, what?! Alligator found swimming in Lake Michigan

(Thanks to Dan in Grand Rapids)

THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOU STAY INSIDE

An alligator on your doorstep

(Thanks to a whole slew of people who are not going out)

THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOU RUN FASTER

Runner spots 12-foot alligator in Port Aransas drainage ditch

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

OR THEY COULD EAT MORE SALAD

Swallowing a VIBRATING capsule could relieve constipation...

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

HOW LONG TIL WE GET TO LOCUSTS AND BOILS?

Explosively breeding frogs WBAGNFARB

(Thanks to DaninDallas, Roberto and Allen at Division)

A TIME FOR QUIET REFLECTION

Fall Is a Season of Change in the Portable Restroom Industry

OCTOBER 8TH!

Whoa. We forgot! It's Hawley-Smoot Tariff day!

4:29 p.m. A MEAT GRINDER WAS STOLEN

Cows Gone Wild: 
3:08 p.m. A Kalispell man called 911 because his neighbor’s cows were drinking out of his cows’ water trough.
4:41 p.m. A Kalispell woman said her neighbor’s cows keep eating her grass.

(Thanks to Roberto)

"THERE IS NO NEED TO CALL LAW ENFORCEMENT"

Birds Gone Wild

(Thanks to everyone and their mothers)

THEY WILL STOP AT NOTHING

Thieves steal the mail and leave llama photos in its place.

(Thanks to Alert Reader Dave)

SOME THINGS ARE ILLEGAL EVEN IN FLORIDA

The manager reported two women were “trying to re-enact a scene from the movie ‘Dirty Dancing,’” the report states.

LOCK ALL THE DOORS

Man finds world's largest centipede in his garden.

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

SIR, THAT'S YOUR MIRROR

After police found methamphetamine “in plain view” on a nightstand in his home, a Louisiana man claimed that a ghost placed the narcotics in his residence, according to an arrest report.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes, Chris Elzi, DaninDallas, Roberto, and Geoff)

YUM

COOKING TIP

Always preheat.

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Here's a cake that is wayyyy too relevant!

(Thanks to Roberto)

WE DON'T KNOW WHO'S SUPPOSED TO DO THE 'SERIOUS' PART

“Derision 2018: An Evening with Carl Hiaasen & Dave Barry” will deliver a humorous, yet serious, look at the political landscape and its impact on Florida.

CHRISTMAS IS COMING

And you need this.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

DUDE

This stuff isn't working.

(Thanks to Ralph K.)

SURRRRE IT'LL BE AVAILABLE SOON

We're still waiting for our hoverboards.

(Thanks to funny man)

A HORSE WALKS INTO A BAR

No, really.

(Thanks to Roberto and Jon Harris)

HELLO AGAIN

I’d like to explain why I haven’t been posting here, and why I hope to be back soon.

On August 18, my daughter, Sophie, who was getting ready to start college, developed a sudden and severe autoimmune disorder. She was hospitalized in the Critical Care unit, and began an aggressive course of treatment, to which she gradually responded; she then began intensive physical therapy. After 40 days of hospitalization, she was able to return home. She’s now in outpatient rehab, and is steadily doing better. She still has a lot of healing and recovery ahead, but we’re optimistic. Throughout this ordeal her spirit has not wavered: She has displayed incredible strength, grace, courage and humor. I am in awe of her, and of her mom, my amazing wife, Michelle, who stayed with Sophie, night and day, the entire time in the hospital.

So that’s why I haven’t been posting. My focus will remain on Sophie’s recovery, but I’m hoping to be able to start getting back to some semblance of normal life soon. Meanwhile I want to thank everybody who expressed concern about my sudden disappearance. I also thank our family members and friends for their love and support, and all the skilled and caring medical folks for all they did for Sophie. This has been a difficult, at times brutal, experience, but the pain has been eased by the goodness and generosity we have seen in so many people.

Dave

Update: I didn’t mean to disable the comments. I fixed that.

FLOWERPOTTY

Apparently this is an immovable plant.

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

RAPUNZEL, RAPUNZEL, LET DOWN YOUR...

Never mind.

(Thanks to DaninDallas)