NEW YORK, CENTER OF CIVILIZATION
Vending machine lets you trade in lame Halloween candy.
(Thanks to funny man and Jeff Meyerson)
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October 31, 2018
WORD
Scientist ‘stabs colleague who kept telling him endings of books he was reading’
(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, Jay B., Matt F., Jim K., funny man, and my book group)
October 30, 2018
AND IN SPORTS
Bills fans are better at throwing dildos than Bills QBs are at throwing TDs
(Thanks to pharmaross)
TERRORISM UPDATE
(Thanks to John Donart, coscolo and B'game, who says "Fortunately, there are no whales in Wyoming.")
AN ANXIOUS NATION HEAVES A SIGH OF RELIEF
Missouri police recover stolen inflatable colon
(Thanks to Ralph, Greg Snow and Roberto)
WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR WHITESNAKE
Mystery wound in honeymooner's groin was 'deeply embedded maggot'
(Thanks toi Jay Brandes)
NAME THAT STATE!
Man Dressed As Dinosaur Nabbed For Battery
(Thanks to Allen at Division)
YOUR TAX DOLLARS HARD AT WORK
Porn-Watching Employee Infected Government Networks With Russian Malware, IG Says
(Thanks to Barry Nester)
October 29, 2018
DISAPPOINTING
(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)
ZOMBIE ORTHODONTIA
Alabama woman seeks help after fake teeth get stuck
(Thanks to pharmaross)
AND THE SUNSHINE STATE COULD NOT BE MORE PROUD
Florida mayor accused of soliciting sex in exchange for speed bumps
(Thanks to funny man, who says he has your bumps right here) (Also thanks to pharmaross)
OURS IS GOING AS A SQUIRREL
The CDC has released guidelines for dressing up your pet chicken on Halloween
(Thanks to Ralph, Dave Roe and Jay Brandes)
October 28, 2018
SQUIRRELS IN THE NEWS
Face-eating squirrels ravage jack-o-lanterns
(Thanks to Vernon B.)
ALSO, DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN
(Thanks to Steve K.)
A FLORIDA DRIVER LICENSE IS ON ITS WAY
...to this driver at O'Hare Airport.
(Thanks to Peter M., via "ORDInsider on Twitter, published 10-26")
October 26, 2018
PRETTY COOL
The good news: This Merriam-Webster site shows you the words and phrases that became popular the year you were born.
The bad news: For me, one of the words was "the."
YOU MAY NOW EXTINGUISH THE BRIDES
Brides set their dresses on fire on their wedding day in Iowa ceremony
(Thanks to pharmaross)
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
NEW JERSEY: STATE OF HILARITY
Serial diaper dumper left dirty diapers around New Jersey for months as 'joke'
(Thanks to Gary Schroeder)
AW
Squirming squirrel gets trapped between two fence panels by its testicles
(Thanks to Mac Turl)
We saw Squirming Squirrel open for the Cowsills.
October 25, 2018
POLICE HAVE NOTHING ETC.
CLOSE ENOUGH
Humvee dropped from US plane lands in back garden - seven miles from target
(Thanks to pharmaross)
GUYS IN ACTION
WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
Students make world's first brick out of human urine
(Thanks to Snowman)
CRIME WITNESS OF THE WEEK SO FAR
Whatever's on this man's phone is VERY important.
(Thanks to Allen at Division)
CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS OF THE WEEK SO FAR
Robbers in Belgium arrested after store owner tells them to come back later
(Thanks to Ron G and Chuck)
THIS FITS WITH OUR LONG-HELD THEORY ON WHY BRIDESMAIDS' DRESSES ARE SO UGLY
(Thanks to Allen at Division)
October 24, 2018
CHICKEN OF THE SEA
(Thanks to Ralph K., Mark S. Jeff M., and Steve K.)
CHRISTMAS IS COMING
Someone on your list needs a Fish and semi-naked women wall calendar.
Note: Some of the photos are NSFW
(Thanks to pharmaross, who also sent in this NSFW article about Fishlove)
REALLY? WHY?
October 23, 2018
GOOD NEWS
Still Time to Bling Out Your Bra
(Thanks to pharmaross)
NEWS YOU CAN'T USE
Your poop is probably full of plastic
(Thanks to Le Petomane and Craig Roberts)
HEY NOW, YOU'RE AN ALL-STAR
We saw Singing Donkey open for the Dropkick Murphys.
(Thanks to Kevin Smith)
October 22, 2018
BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETINNNNNNN
October 21, 2018
TRICK OR TREAT
Burger King seems bound and determined to mess with your bowels.
(Thanks to pharmaross)
TO BE RETURNED ON NOVEMBER 1ST
Giant Inflatable Colon Stolen in Kansas City
(Thanks to Jay B., Kevin S., Janice G., Richard W., Peter M., and Chris J.)
October 20, 2018
SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE
Yeah.
October 19, 2018
IT NEEDED A GETAWAY CAR
Sales manager James Merrins said: “I saw one of my guys running towards us shouting ‘cow, cow, cow’
(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet)
SPEAKING OF COOKIES
You may experience "some emotional issues" if you read this.
(Thanks to a bunch of sick puppies)
OH CANADA, DUDE
Girl guide sells out of cookies in front of Edmonton cannabis store on 1st day
(Thanks to Jeff Sutton)
October 18, 2018
AND FLATHEAD COUNTY WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHY
11:20 a.m. A Snapchat photo resulted in a call to the police.
(Thanks to Fabian Marson)
OH CANADA
October 17, 2018
HEADLINE OF THE WEEK*
We Might Finally Know What Smacked Uranus Sideways
(*Not this week.)
(Thanks to MOTW)
OBITUARY OF THE WEEK
"He owned restaurants in Boulder, Colorado..."
"He was a jeweler and oriental rug dealer, not a pilot."
...her brother was a cartoonist and freelance television critic for the New Yorker.
...believed Stein wrote an internet sports column for ESPN...
...he was a YouTube sensation who had just signed a seven-figure deal with Netflix.
...worked as a trail guide in Rocky Mountain National Park.
Etc.
(Thanks to Allen at Division)
WHOOPSIE!
Belgian air force mechanic opens fire by mistake, blows up another F-16
(Thanks to Geoff, Rick, Fabian, coscolo and David Roe, who added "France immediately surrendered.")
October 16, 2018
THE NEWS FROM THE PHILIPPINES
Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the News from the Philippines.
(We are fairly confident judi has not already posted this item, but as a precaution she has been temporarily rehired so that she can be fired if necessary.)
SHE COULD USE A GOOD CAMPAIGN SLOGAN
Candidate with panty-selling alter ego says she ‘cannot quit,’ will stay in race
(Thanks to Chris Elzi and Craig Roberts)
MEN WITHOUT KILTS
(Thanks to yekj. Jon Harris, Jim K., Bill H., Alkali Bill, and Ralph K.)
Note: Why do men do so many things naked? These are just the recent ones.
WE'VE BEEN TO MANY MEETINGS IN WHICH THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN A WELCOME DEVELOPMENT
Snake falls from ceiling in the middle of a business meeting
My apologies if this was already posted by judi, who will be fired as a precaution.
October 15, 2018
SCIENCE WE DON'T UNDERSTAND
But it has something to do with hot pink dinosaurs.
(Thanks to funny man)