Dave Barry's Blog

SHE'S NOT TALKING ABOUT POLITICS

Florida has something of a wild pig problem.

Also: Pigs are more fertile than rabbits.

(Thanks to Another Ralph and John Criswell)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE VIOLENT FEMMES

'Radical Vegans' strike fear into the hearts of French butchers

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

YOU'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER MOUSE

Eight Argentinian police officers have been dismissed after claiming that more than half a ton of marijuana which disappeared from a police warehouse had been eaten by mice.

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

CLEARLY THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN FLORIDA

Because there was no actual weaponry involved.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

TRAVEL ADVISORY FROM THE S.B.

When computers malfunction... the blog suffers. The s.b. is fired. The s.b. returns.

And here are some signs inspiring confidence, at the u-pick apple picking place.

HE PROBABLY DESERVED IT

Seal slaps kayaker with octopus

(Thanks to SmartNews and funny man)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO RIGHTS LEFT

Drinking alcohol while throwing axes, ax-throwers wearing open-toed shoes, a lack of monitoring by bar management and axes ricocheting off targets in the direction of participants were among the concerns listed by Michigan Liquor Control Commission investigators who visited the warehouse-style bar at 2550 Innovation Drive in Auburn Hills.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

'HISTORICAL FACT' WE DID NOT KNOW

Dinosaurs were killed in the Civil War.

(Thanks to funny man)

SAFETY FIRST

Keep those dogs on a leash.

Thanks to Larry Caldwell, who shared the welcome sign at his local dog park in LA.

DOUBLE JEOPARDY

"Things You Don't Want to See in Your Yard for $800, Alex."

(Thanks to  Le Petomane)

DAD OF THE YEAR

A man managed to get himself jailed for 16 weeks and miss the birth of his child, after lying to his pregnant girlfriend that he had been kidnapped, just so he could get drunk with his buddies.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

A VERY VERY THOROUGH INVESTIGATION INDEED

A bar in Ohio has lost its liquor license after undercover agents said they were able to purchase drugs and lap dances using food stamps...Sharkey's... has been under investigation since May of 2017.

(Thanks to Stixnstonz)

WHO AMONG US HAS NOT BEEN THERE?

A Woman Can't Recall How A Turtle Ended Up In Her Vagina After Night Out, Police Say

(Thanks to Allen at Division, Ralph K., Jon Harris, and Raymond K.)

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, OFFICER?

Who's driving?

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

STRAIGHT UP WHAT?!

DIY Colonoscopy

(Thanks to Michael Moyer)

WHALE DISPOSAL BLUES

Failed Attempt to Put Dead Whale in Dumpster 'Was a Mistake' 

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

COME INTO MY PARLOR, ER, BEACH

We did not ever need to know that there is such a thing as a "stretch spider."

(Thanks a big freaking bunch to Theobiwan)

DUUUUUDE

Rocked Lobsters

(Thanks to pretty much everyone, including some who think it's fake news)

This may or may not be related.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

ARRRRRGH

The story merit's comment but the her's is heinou's.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

UPDATE (SHHH!) FROM FLATHEAD COUNTY

7:40 a.m. A Kalispell resident called 911 and asked to remain anonymous before reporting what he had just seen. When he was assured that his identity would remain confidential he told the dispatcher that he had just seen a small red dog run through the neighborhood and that it was causing all the other dogs in the area to bark.

(Thanks to Roberto)

ARRRRRRRRRR

...you ready?

 

ITSY-BITSY SPIDERS

And a little night music.

(Thanks to The Perts, Ralph K., and Jon Harris

MEN: YOU PROBABLY DO NOT WANT TO READ THIS NEWS ITEM

We know we're not.

FBI SEIZES OVER 3,000 PENISES DURING RAID AT MORGUE EMPLOYEE’S HOME

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

HOW MANY TICKETS IS THAT WORTH?

Man at Chuck E. Cheese shoots himself in the leg.

(Thanks to Le Petomane, Slim Chance, B'game, and coscolo)

SHAVING IS ONE THING

But flinging gobs of gunk onto the floor is quite another.*

(Thanks to Andrew Halpryn)

(*Quite Another WBAGNFARB, actually)

SCIENCE FAIR

Coke and Mentos are much safer than gunpowder.*

(Thanks to Ralph K.)

*Proof

A COUPLE OF FLORIDA DRIVER LICENSES

...are on their way to Montgomery County.

(Thanks to Marc M. and wanderer2575)

WE LIKE "PYTHLONE"

Venomous snakes are riding on the storm

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

AND WE ARE SURE THE STORM WILL OBLIGE

Florida man ventures out to face off with the storm.

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie, and w)

¡ ESTO ES FLORIDA, PAPI!

Remember, Taco Bell was voted the best... best Mexi ... no, we still can't say it.

LIONS AND TIGERS AND... NO, JUST MORE SNAKES

Shopping snake

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Chicken snake

(Thanks to elseabs)

Reading snake

(Thanks to The Perts)

Student snake

(Thanks to dave)

OPERATOR? GET ME A REALTOR, STAT.

Snakes in a ceiling.

(Thanks to a whole passel of ya)

WE'LL GIVE YOU "UNRULY"

Just try telling us your Rottweiler is a "service" animal and has to join us on the plane.

(Thanks to funny man)

THE URANUS EXAMINER

One can only hope this is fake news.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger and Kevin M. Smith)

OOPSIE

Colorado man gives Florida man a run for his money.

(Thanks to Jane Linderman and Le Petomane) 

Note: Autoplay ad

YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP

Author Of ‘How To Murder Your Husband’ Arrested For Allegedly Killing Her Husband

(Thanks to everyone with a computer)

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG

... for a public service suggestion from nursecindy:

If people want to help those in the path of Hurricane Florence, the American Red Cross is asking for blood donations now.  Donations have been down over the summer so this could really help a lot of people. 

For more information, including other ways to help:

https://www.redcross.org/about-us/news-and-events/press-release/2018/red-cross-prepares-for-massive-relief-response-as-hurricane-flor.html

FLORIDUH

Lewd, lascivious, and icky.

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

THEY SURVEYED PEOPLE ON THEIR LAND LINES

Taco Bell voted best... best Mexican... no, no, we can't say it!

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger and Jon Harris)

NEED CASH FOR THE HURRICANE?

He says Hunt pulled out a gun and fired into the floor before demanding he be paid in cash.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

9/11

On this day of hurricane preparation for the Carolinas, and memorials about 9/11, we will just share this and send our most positive thoughts out in the world for all who need them.
Tell your loved ones that you love them.

ALARMING

Here is your obligatory joke about the rats in Washington.

(Thanks to DaninDallas and funny man)

THE WALK OF FAME

Rogue Chicken was here.

(Thanks to John Lobert, Ralph K. and Slim Chance)

BEARS IN THE NEWS

In a hot tub.

(Thanks to Ralph K., Wolverine, and Al B.)

In a hammock.

(Thanks to Kevin S.)

In a garage.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

In a river where they belong.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Note: If these were posted before, sue fire me.

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE HOLLIES

The Nicoles

(Thanks to Roberto)

A NEW LEAF?

Does this help?

https://www.rebeccahinsonpublishing.com/read-alouds/Emancipation.html

 

MORE OF THE BLOG

On Mitch Kaplan's new podcast.

THE BLOG

...on reading, and on the Civil War.

(Something is amiss, so here is the link again. p.s. Can one fire oneself?)

​https://www.rebeccahinsonpublishing.com/read-alouds/Emancipation.html

NICEVILLE POLICE: APTLY NAMED

Naked Florida man starts house fire while baking cookies on George Foreman grill
"According to the offense report from the Police Department, the man showed no signs of understanding the danger he was in."

(Thanks to Allen at Division, Gary Schroder, and Jane Linderman)

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE

But hey, what color is Prince Charles' kettle, if you catch our drift?

(Thanks to Slim Chance)