Dave Barry's Blog

TOTALLY FAKE NEWS, AS ANY MIAMI DRIVER WILL ATTEST

"Baltimore drivers are the worst"

(Thanks to Wolverine)

DUUUDE, GRANDMA

Snakes all up in her grill.

(Thanks to Ralph K. and Jeff Meyerson)

DUUUDE

“I make giant bongs,” he said. “They are my voice to make noise in the world.”

(Thanks to Le Petomane, Mark Schlesinger, and Bill Hudgins)

DUE TO OUR STRICT POLICY

We will not be posting about the Scunthorpe algorithm.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

ROCK LOBSTER

Never forget, for the next 12 weeks.

(Thanks to Glen P. and Dave. E.)

DON'T OPEN THE DOOR!

The Lieberman family...spotted the monitor in their backyard a few days ago strolling about and flicking its tongue...

(Thanks to Michael Parry and our colleague Howard Cohen)

CAPTION CONTEST

ALSO THE BOAT WAS HUGE

The Shakespeares told authorities alcohol was a factor in the crash.

(Thanks to funny man)

THE BEE VACUUMER

"Police said it was the biggest sting operation ever." 

(Thanks to Janice Gelb, jon harris, Art K., and Le Petomane for the quote.)

ONE CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY RATTLESNAKES

Ooops. Apparently, one can.

(Thanks to Sorcha, who adds, "Love will find a way.")

BE GRATEFUL YOU STILL HAVE YOUR LEMONS

Grateful. Get it?

(Thanks to funny man)

ATTENTION, FRENCH KAYAKERS

Be on the lookout.

(Thanks to Allen at Division, Le Petomane, Bill, Ralph, Dave, r and Mary)

BRIDEZILLA

...has nothing on this person.

(Thanks to the viral nature of the internet, Steve K. and Ron G.)

MOTHER NATURE

WHY is she punishing us?

(Thanks - ish - to Jim K.)

A MAN WEARING A BRA AND DOING WEIRD THINGS WITH PRODUCE

Arrested.

(Thanks to jon harris)

THE INTERNET

Something for everyone.

(Thanks to Le Petomane and DaninDallas, notably both men, and we are not asking any questions)

 

"WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR?"

Lemons.

(Thanks to funny man, Le Petomane, Not My Usual Alias, and Geoff. And a 2019 Dave Barry desk calendar to the commenter with the best explanation of WHY.)

YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH SCIENCE

New research suggests that more money really does lead to a more satisfying life.

(Thanks to James F.)

SAFETY FIRST

Bikers  on I-95.

(Thanks to Jeff M.)

OKAY, WE'LL POST THIS

But only because we also have failed to learn that just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

(Thanks to pretty much everyone.)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

If you're feeling glum, IBM wants a circling coffee drone to sense this and then fly hot drinks at you.

(Thanks to funny man)

THE PERFECT GIFT FOR SOMEONE WHO NEEDS THIS

Naked Lactating Incense Burner

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

FAKE NEWS!

Although Paddy O'Reilly and the Penguin Erectors WBAGNFARB.

(Thanks to Ralph K.)

WHAT, ME WORRY?

Crocodiles using tools.

(Thanks to elseabs)

ONE BAAAAA-D HEADLINE

Both parties are in stable conditions.

(Thanks to Ralph K., Jamie S., Jim Perth, and John Lobert)

LITERARY RECOMMENDATION OF THE DAY FOR THE PEOPLE OF BISMARCK

Outwitting Squirrels

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

WAIT ... WHAT?

Bismarck man may be charged in connection to squirrel's death

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

FLORIDA - THE LAND OF YIKES

Super snakes.

TRAVEL UPDATE FROM THE S.B.

DEAR PEOPLE WHO VISIT THIS BLOG:

For personal reasons I won’t be blogging for a while.

'ONE OFFICER HAS ADJUSTED THE MAN'S WINGS'

Drunken and ‘unruly’ Tinkerbell and Bob the Builder removed from Ryanair flight by armed police

(Thanks to Alkali Bill, who assumes they were headed for Florida)

FYI

Smartphone screens found to be more than three times dirtier than a toilet seat

(Thanks to Rick Day)

HAS ANYBODY EVER *NOT* REGRETTED BUYING A HAMSTER?

Mum regrets buying hamster for kids after 'little s***' escapes and destroys family car

(Thanks to John Lobert)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

During courtship male starlings sing less to females who have been fed dilute concentrations of antidepressants, according to a new study led by the University of York.

(Thanks to Ralph)

THIS HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN

Sex pigs halt traffic after laser attack on Pokémon teens

(Thanks to Greg Snow and John Gregg)

AND IN SPORTS

Mooning case against Virginia softball coach’s wife wanes

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

THE INTERNET IS FOREVER

I was cruising through some pages, looking for a gift for my daughter's upcoming birthday, and ran across this page.

-- The Amazing Steve

(The photo is from the 2006 Holiday Gift Guide.)

WHICH MEANS A LOT OF GUYS WILL NEVER FIND IT

Vilnius: The G-Spot of Europe

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

CLEARLY GUNFIRE WAS THE ONLY OPTION

Officials in Virginia are investigating a shooting that reportedly stemmed from an argument involving two men and whether Halle Berry played Aretha Franklin in a movie, according to WTKR.

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

SEND THIS ROBOT TO WASHINGTON

HUMANS CAN CONCENTRATE BETTER WHEN A MEAN ROBOT IS WATCHING THEM

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

THEY'RE ALSO SERVING 'GRASSHOPPERS, WORMS AND ANT EGGS'

Mexico City Restaurant Busted Over Protected Tarantula Tacos

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve and Geoff, who says "They won't need protection from me.")

YOU ARE NOW FREE TO CANTER ABOUT THE CABIN

Southwest Airlines to allow miniature horses as service animals in new policy

(Thanks to Clayton Carroll and funny man)

BING... OY!

Bingo Caller At Jewish Center In Westchester County Arrested For Gaming Fraud

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

OOPS

In the darkness, he reached for what he thought was his spotlight to try and find the battery. What he grabbed, however, was his Glock Model 22.

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

YET ANOTHER REASON TO FEAR GLOBAL WARMING

City urges a break from sex to fight heat wave

(Thanks to DaninDallas, Le Petomane and Bob Brogan, who says "How about indoor sex?")

NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT IT

Delivery men use beer to save man's life in St. Paul, Minn.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and Roberto)

ARETHA FRANKLIN

She's gone. But her voice will always be with us. She was the best. 

HOW IS THIS DIFFERENT FROM CASTING VIN DIESEL?

Filmmaker Tony Kaye Casts Robot As Lead Actor In Next Feature

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

HE WILL BE ISSUED MULTIPLE FLORIDA LICENSES

A Spanish driver astounded police this weekend when he was found to be under the influence of every drug officers could check for

(Thanks to Rick Day)

ALONG WITH THE REMOTE CONTROL AND $20.38 WORTH OF LOOSE CHANGE

This Woman Lost Her Contact Lens. Doctors Found It in Her Eyelid 28 Years Later.

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "It's always the last place you look.")