Dave Barry's Blog

ATTENTION, CERTAIN MEN OF THE BLOG (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE):

DUREX HAS ISSUED a recall of five batches of its condoms over concerns about the “burst pressure” of the products.

(Thanks to Greg Snow, who says "There goes my whole warm 'em up with weinerdog balloons routine.....")

HAVING SOLVED ALL OF ITS OTHER PROBLEMS

New Jersey May Declare an Official State Microbe

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "I thought it would have been E. coli.")

YOU KNOW THE SPIDER WAS WORKING FOR THE SQUIRRELS

3 injured after rollover on Ashley St. in Granby caused by spider

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

'QUICK-THINKING TINKLING'

Man puts out Southend Pier fire by peeing on it

(Thanks to Jim Perth and Jay Brandes)

FORTUNATELY THE BABY WAS NOT IN IT AT THE TIME

Shark kidnapped from Texas aquarium in baby's pram

(Thanks to Jay Brandes, Not My Usual Alias, Jane Linderman, Rick Day and funny man)

THE KEY WORD BEING 'TRIES'

Man tries robbing a Whataburger with a pair of tongs

(Thanks to Jane Linderman and funny man)

VIRGINIA POLITICAL REPORT

Cockburn calls out Riggleman’s Bigfoot posts

(Thanks to Another Ralph)

ASIAN MARKET OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Asian Market of the Week.

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

'TOO MUCH OF A DISTRACTION'

Accused School ‘Pooperintendent’ Relieves Himself Of Duty After Arrest

(Thanks to Nelson from Michigan, who says "A headline writer no doubt waited a lifetime for this opportunity.")

'IT IS A WORK OF ART'

Feud between NC neighbors escalates with huge fence of used tires from landfill

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

IF THEY LIVED IN FLORIDA THEY COULD EXPRESS THEIR DISPLEASURE AT THE BALLOT BOX

Mobs of kangaroos take to streets of Australia's capital over food shortages

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who asks, "Aren't Australian kangaroos venomous?")

'HE WAS APPARENTLY TRYING TO AVOID TRAFFIC'

Motorist took his Porsche on jogging path along the FDR Drive — until he couldn't go any farther

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "Florida license pending.")

THOSE THINGS ARE HIGHLY ADDICTIVE

Caller mistakes apple fritter exchange for drug deal

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

IN MIAMI, THIS WOULD END VERY BADLY

Ballet to cure the Mexico City traffic blues

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

A TOTALLY REASONABLE APPROACH

Man accused of crashing car in North Carolina cell phone store after demanded that they fix his phone

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

THE NEWS FROM ABROAD

One of the villages, Etwe nim Nyansa - which translates from Ashanti Twi language to English as ‘Vagina is Wise’ - set the fuse for amusement and MPs could not contain themselves when the place names Kote ye Aboa (Penis is a fool) and Shua ye Morbor (Testicles are sad) were also called out.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN AUSTRALIA

Woman wakes up with 3ft python in her bed

(Thanks to John Lobert and DaninDallas)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Man enters Jacksonville store and chases people with live alligator

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Man Mods His Car's Windshield Wiper Fluid Spray To Shoot Kombucha Tea In His Mouth While He Drives

(Thanks to Michael Parry)

Honorable Mention: KFC Japan creates new fried chicken eating gloves to keep grease off your hands and smartphone

(Thanks to Ralph)

BECAUSE THERE WAS NO PIZZA

4 In 10 Men Have Experienced ‘Inexplicable Sadness’ After Sex

(Thanks to elseabs and Le Petomane)

NEEDLESS TO SAY IT HAD A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Horrified woman finds disgusting 'rat-worm' creature crawling in her porch

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING, DUDE?

Wasilla cannabis festival investigated for allowing pot consumption

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

NOW *THIS* IS NEWS

VIRGIN GALACTIC SPACE PLANE TRAVELS TWICE THE SPEED OF LIGHT, COMMERCIAL FLIGHTS NEXT?

Screenshot, assuming it will be corrected:

 

LESSON LEARNED

Science Teacher Leaves Parabolic Mirror In Car, Melts Interior

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "The science is settled.")

AND IN YOUTH SPORTS

Mom charged after choking player at girls basketball game

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

WE SAY ARREST THEM IMMEDIATELY

Amazon's facial ID tool wrongly identified 28 members of Congress as police suspects, ACLU test reveals

(Thanks to Fabian Marson and Geoff)

IT'S A CONSENTING HEDGE

Sheffield topiarist 'disgusted by drunk hedge sex'

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Ralph)

THEY IMMEDIATELY PRODUCED VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Worms Frozen in Permafrost for 42,000 Years Have Been Resuscitated!

(Thanks to the Perts)

AN OFFER THEY COULDN'T REFUSE

Police in Maryland say a man who was being detained told officers he worked at Krispy Kreme and would give them doughnuts if they would let him go.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and  Bill Carver)

THE FRIENDLY SKIES

Pilots fight at 37,000 feet in the cockpit on Iraqi Airways flight

(Thanks to Fabian Marson and Jon Harris)

Several Passengers Aboard Diverted Flight From NYC to Florida Sickened by 'Dirty Socks' Odor

(Thanks to Todd Lawson)

WE HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg loses $15 billion in wealth in a single day

(Thanks to Steve K)

CSI: ST. ALBANS, HERTFORDSHIRE

Police called out to answer reports of excessive farting from granddad’s house

(Thanks to Ralph)

'CANDYGRAM'

Woman Is Shocked To Find Out Who Keeps Ringing Her Doorbell

(Thanks to Rick Day)

THESE KIDS TODAY

Teen burglar runs out of data, wakes homeowners to ask for WiFi access, Calif. cops say

(Thanks to Doug Hamilton)

BOOMERS!

Illegal drug use in America grows fastest among people age 50 and older

(Thanks to Geoff)

THESE ARE CONSENTING TOADS, DUDE

Wildlife officials in Arizona said toads are being stolen from a conservation area and the thieves are believed to be planning to lick them.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE MIGHT AS WELL TEAR UP THE CONSTITUTION

A naked man who police found doing jumping jacks in the women’s bathroom of a McDonald’s in Tennessee was arrested Monday on public indecency, trespass, and public intoxication charges.

(Thanks to Le Petomane and funny man)

TRUST NOBODY

Zoo accused of painting donkeys to look like zebras

TROUBLE DOWN UNDER

Another serial ‘poo jogger’ has been caught leaving gifts in Australia

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THE OPPOSITE OF SHRINKAGE

Men claim the heatwave is giving them 'summer penis' - and doctors say it's a real thing

(Thanks to John Lobert)

CSI: NILES, OHIO

2 men on motorcycle with stolen fish tank arrested

(Thanks to Gary Schroeder and Le Petomane)

HOW COULD THEY TELL?

California DMV worker slept thousands of hours on the job, state report finds

(Thanks to MOTW)

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER

Dispute over chicken manure dumped at wedding site settled

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

IT WON'T GET FAR ON FOOT

Reptile Adventures in Nampa says 75-pound tortoise goes missing, believes it was stolen

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

Related: Flight attendants to be deported over turtle-smuggling operation

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

THAT’S GONNA WREAK HAVOC WITH THEIR DRUG DOSAGES

Tour de France riders inadvertently tear-gassed as race temporarily halted

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

IN THAT CASE SIR, YOU MAY RESUME WORKING OUT ON THE ELLIPTICAL

Naked man arrested at Planet Fitness said he thought it was a "judgement free zone"

(Thanks to Deb Ross, elseabs, Todd Lawson, Roberto and Fabian Marson)

HIGHER ED

Iowa DT Brady Reiff Arrested After Mistaking Police Car for Uber While Drunk

(Thanks to Steve K)

AND IN SPORTS

2018 snail racing champion crowned

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "People only go to watch the wrecks.")

DREAMING BIG

Woman’s quest to grow the world’s largest bum with 15 jars of Nutella a month

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "I think she's there.")

APPARENTLY WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF RESEARCH SUBJECTS

A group of biologists report that, in an experiment, lady beetles exposed to loud rock music ate fewer aphids than their counterparts who dined either in silence, or to the softer sounds of country crooners.

(Thanks to Ralph)