Dave Barry's Blog

AND IN SPORTS

World Cup viewers strain Tokyo’s plumbing system with halftime toilet dash

(Thanks to Ralph)

BUT 'ALL FISH ARE NOT EQUAL'

Couples who eat a lot of seafood may have sex more often and get pregnant more quickly than those who shun the shellfish and sardines, a U.S. study suggests.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

THERE'S A NEW BIG IDAHO POTATO, AND IT'S LUXURIOUS

Shelves and lockers will store gear and bikes; lights will illuminate the interior; a ventilation fan will keep the air fresh and dry, and an AC unit can be turned on when it’s hot inside. The truck’s three-person crew stays in hotels when traveling, but they change inside the potato (including putting on the Spuddy Buddy mascot costume); a curtained area at the end of the potato will offer privacy.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

 

OR SEVERAL HUNDRED SQUIRRELS WEARING A COSTUME

Two injured in Montana after swerving to avoid a kangaroo or wallaby

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

SEND THESE SENIOR OFFICIALS TO WASHINGTON

The 64-year-old, an employee of the waterworks bureau in the western city of Kobe, was fined and reprimanded after he was found to have left his desk just three minutes before the start of his designated lunch break on 26 occasions over a seven-month period. Senior officials at the bureau then called a televised news conference, where they described the man’s conduct as “deeply regrettable” and bowed in apology.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

IT WAS A CONSENTING AUTOMOBILE

A Kansas man was charged today with lewd and lascivious behavior for his repeated attempts to have sex with the tailpipe of a parked automobile, according to court records.

(Thanks to Bob Cayne)

WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT STUDIES?

Parents are fed up with kids' summer vacation after just 13 days, study finds

(Thanks to Jonh Lobert)

I DON'T CARE IF I EVER GET... YIKES!

Phanatic's flying hot dog leaves Phillies fan with facial injuries

(Thanks to Le Petomane, Steve K., Bill Carver and Al Barkafski)

THEY CAN'T AFFORD THE ADMISSION CHARGE

The Fascinating Reason Why There Are No Mosquitoes at Disney World

(Thanks to Rick Day)

AND IN SPORTS

Burger King Russia has apologised for an advert offering women a reward if they were impregnated by a World Cup footballer

(Thanks to John Lobert, Jim Perth and Al Barkafski)

'PARTICULARLY HIGH CONCENTRATIONS' NEAR THE HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT

Some Rivers Are So Drug-Polluted, Their Eels Get High on Cocaine

(Thanks to Snowman)

BORN FOR THIS ROLE

Beer had several signs of intoxication and smelled of alcohol, police said

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT THE BEAR HAD A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Deputy frees bear trapped in car near Lake Tahoe

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

MEANWHILE ABROAD

Goat steals woman’s fertility

(Thanks to Ralph)

3,999 MORE EPISODES THAN NECESSARY

After 4,000 episodes, a halt for Jerry Springer's show

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger and Not My Usual Alias)

IN THAT CASE, MISS SWIFT, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

A man accused of setting fire to a historic Austin building on Monday claimed during an interview with investigators that he was pop star Taylor Swift, according to an arrest affidavit filed in Travis County state district court.

(Thanks to John W.)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Woman gulps down her dog's urine claiming it cleared up her acne - and has given her a 'glow'

(Thanks to John Lobert)

HOW IS THIS HELPFUL?

The study, conducted by researchers at Virginia Tech, confirmed what scientists already suspected: that mosquitoes remember the taste and smell of human blood and often pick on individuals whose blood is “sweeter” to them.

(Thanks to coscolo and Le Petomane)

'QUIRKY' IS ONE WORD FOR IT

Royal College of Art graduate Alice Potts showcased her quirky design methods with a pair of ballet shoes adorned with crystals formed from sweat and a fake fur featuring urine-crystals at the RCA’s annual fashion show.

"Featuring."

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

Man with a tattoo of a gun on his face charged with illegally possessing a gun

(Thanks to Gary Schroeder, who says "I'm assuming he's single.")

THOSE THINGS SHOULD NOT BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

This man threw a toilet seat at his ex-wife's house, SC cops say

(Thanks to Vernon Bowen)

IS THERE ANYTHING IT CAN'T DO?

Drunk People Are Better at Creative Problem Solving

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

SO IMAGINE HOW TOUGH *HEAVY* DRINKING WOULD MAKE THEM

Scientists discover moderate drinking teaches heart cells how to toughen up

(Thanks to Michael Parry)

BOLO

Woman wearing only a towel steals car and dog from Georgia family

(Thanks to James Flynn, who says "Obviously headed to Florida.")

LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH

Bill Gross got revenge on ex-wife with fart spray: court papers

(Thanks to Roberto)

YOUR POLE JOKE HERE

Two veteran firefighters in Akron, Ohio, have been suspended after allegedly making pornographic videos together at a fire station.

(Thanks to John Lobert and Stever)

OR A SQUIRREL WEARING A GROUNDHOG COSTUME

Bellevue Cemetery Vandal May Be Groundhog

(Thanks to Laurie Ann and John Lobert)

PICKUP STRATEGY OF THE WEEK SO FAR

The strange case against Christian Desgroux unfolded after authorities say he unexpectedly had a charter helicopter pilot land on a soccer field last November at the sprawling corporate campus of SAS Institute in Cary. Wearing a military battle uniform, Desgroux told a security officer who confronted him that he was there to pick up a female employee to take her to Fort Bragg for a classified briefing authorized by President Donald Trump, according to federal agents.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

MAYBE IT WAS A SHY PYTHON

Ranger Hoping to Get Selfie with Captured 35-Foot Python Gets Choked by Snake Instead

(Thanks to Rick Day)

OOOOOOOOOOO-KLAHOMA

2 arrested after having sex by busy Oklahoma City intersection

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

CANADA TECH REPORT:

The Internet of Cows.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

FINNISH GUYS IN ACTION

Spraying snake with gas leads to house blaze in Finland

(At least we assume it was a guy.)

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Bill Hudgins)

TODAY'S NATURE FACT:

Pooping Creates The Same Pain As Childbirth For Sloths, And It Is Dangerous

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and Ralph)

HORN-TOOTING

Here's a nice review of my book Lessons From Lucy, which will be published October 23.

CSI: TENNESSEE

Burglary suspect tries to escape on lawnmower with flat tire

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

IT WAS TRACKED DOWN BY A POLICE SNAIL

100-year-old tortoise missing for a week is found a mile away after 0.006mph getaway

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

WORLD CUP UPDATE

They may not have had a victory to celebrate but the Australian fans won plenty of admirers themselves in the city of Kazan having proven a major hit with the locals, in particularly pub owners after drinking pubs dry.

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

Nigeria’s Lucky Chickens Banned From World Cup Stadiums

(Thanks to Ralph)

HARD TO ARGUE

A Kentucky man found driving through the Sunshine State with a hatchet hidden in his car told police that he needed the weapon “for protection” from “scum bags in Florida,” according to a court filing.

(Thanks to Jerry Atrick)

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

This.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

IN FLORIDA IT CAN LEGALLY DRIVE *AND* VOTE

Giant Horror Plant That Causes 3rd Degree Burns Has Spread to Yet Another US State

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

HOBBYIST OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Man charged with stealing human toes from dead body exhibition

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and DaninDallas)

FLORIDA DEMANDS A RECOUNT

Guess Which Place Is The Psychopath Capital of The US, According to Science

Although we can't really argue about No. 1.

(Thanks to John Criswell, Mark Schlesinger. ptucker and Dad-O-Lot)

TAKE IT OUT OF HIS ALLOWANCE

Kansas parents may be stuck with $132,000 bill after kid knocks over sculpture

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

A green-haired, sword-wielding man confronted West Melbourne police at an apartment complex Wednesday.

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

UPDATE FROM THE CAPITAL OF SOPHISTICATION

Brooklynites question artist’s ‘giant turd’ in middle of park

(Thanks to Ralph)

WORKING ON HER CORE

Woman arrested after fit of rage at Planet Fitness

(Thanks to elseabs and manual tomato)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Woman shoots husband in testicles after he tries to take her air conditioner

(Thanks to Jane Linderman and Dorkfish)

FATHER'S DAY

To the dads out there: Have a good one. And by "good one," I mean "nap." 

WELL MAYBE IT WAS THEIR FAULT

A 32-year-old man was arrested after screaming at his neighbors and threatening to kill them because his testicles were hurting.

(Thanks to Ralph)

CANADA'S CONTINUING DESCENT INTO ANARCHY CONTINUES

A 12-year-old child from Canada recently called 911 twice after being served a salad.

(Thanks to Ralph)