Dave Barry's Blog

HARD PASS

Why Cockroach Milk Is the New Health Obsession

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

WHOA

Battle in the sky: Bald eagle and fox

(Thanks to elseabs, who says "Scientists call it ‘kleptoparasitism;’ I call it eating my husband’s leftovers. I. AM. THE. EAGLE.")

HERE'S YOUR FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THE DAY

Alabama town terrorized by 'poop train' gets free Febreze samples

(Thanks to elseabs, Bill Carver and Hayseed Tom)

'EVERYTHING MUST GO'

The ‘King of the Commode’ seeks an heir to his thrones

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

WE'RE GONNA NEED MORE PILLOWCASES

Chicken feathers cover I-5 in Federal Way after truck rollover

(Thanks to B'game)

YES, THE BRITS *SOUND* MORE INTELLIGENT THAN WE DO, BUT...

Police believe the two men and two women sparked the blaze while attempting to wake up a friend by burning his feet using a lighter and an aerosol whilst drunk.

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

IT HAD ITS REASONS

The shooting of a man on Riverview Street Northwest took a surprising twist Sunday night when investigators concluded that the “assailant” was his Maytag oven.

(Thanks to Rick Day and Janice Gelb)

INCREDIBLY, NOT AUSTRALIA

3-foot snake slithers out of 'terrified' man's cereal box and into dishwasher

(Thanks to MOTW and Bob Brogan)

WE ARE FALLING BEHIND

KFC Malaysia is now selling fried chicken flavour mac and cheese at BREAKFAST

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

'YOU HAVE TO WORK!'

Parents Take 30-Year-Old Son To Court To Evict Him From Their Home

(Thanks to Another Ralph and Jeff Meyerson)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICERS?

Mustang doing donuts blocks busy Florida bridge

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

FLORIDA SPORTS UPDATE

Woman tried to start paper towel holder on fire in Tropicana Field bathroom

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

'FARTS. FARTS ARE OCCURRING.'

Dad on epic school trip to Science Museum shares tale of 'utter carnage'

(Thanks to John Lobert)

ALERT LEVEL: HIGHER THAN HIGH

Giant predatory worms invaded France, but scientists just noticed them

(Thanks to Chris Johnson)

YOU KNOW THE ZOMBIES ALL HAVE VALID DRIVERS' LICENSES

The alert warned that more than 7,000 customers lost power "due to extreme zombie activity."

(Thanks to Slim Chance, Jon Harris and Hayseed Tom)

REALLY?

Proud mom orders ‘Summa Cum Laude’ cake online. Publix censors it: Summa … Laude.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Bill Hudgins)

IF YOUR DOG WANTS A TREAT, GIVE IT A TREAT

A Ft. Dodge man remained hospitalized Thursday after reportedly being shot by his dog.

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

HE LOOKS RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH

Florida man climbs atop playground equipment at Clearwater park, tells kids where babies come from

(Thanks to Rick Day, Bill Hudgins and James Flynn)

CANADA: WHERE MEN ARE MEN

When Alexandra's Pizza in Sydney introduced their six-pound donair challenge earlier this year, many thought it was impossible to complete. That is, until Joel Hansen showed up.

(Thanks to The Perts)

WHICH SEEMS TO DEFEAT THE PURPOSE OF BEING A ROBOT

Robots can now grow human organs

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who asks "What could possibly go wrong?")

SHE ALSO, QUOTE, 'FLUNG A SLUSHY'

Woman threatens McDonald’s workers with gun over wait for fries

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

IT WAS ATTEMPTING TO TRANSFER FROM AMERICAN TO UNITED

A Rhesus macaque escaped its crate Monday at the San Antonio Airport

(Thanks to Stan Ruth, Alkali Bill and Laurie Ann)

EXCITING NEW REASON TO USE THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE, WHICH APPARENTLY STILL EXISTS

U.S. Postal Service announces first-ever scratch and sniff stamp with popsicle scent

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

ATTENTION, MEN WITH BLADDERS:

Do not click here.

(Thanks to Michael Moyer)

ALWAYS KEEP SOME HANDY

Florida man caught walking around naked with a bottle of cooking oil, deputies say

(Thanks to James Flynn)

'IT FELT THE RIGHT THING TO DO'

Man caught filling hotel bathtub up with potatoes while wearing a bra and high on MDMA

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, Ralph, Janice Gelb and Hayseed Tom)

TO MIAMI-AREA FOLKS:

Here's an event I'm doing Thursday for a good cause:

 

Join us for comedy and charity at our Red Nose Day celebration! Red Nose Day has been able to raise over 1 billion dollars since 1988 to try to end child poverty worldwide. This May 24th, Villain Theater is partnering with Comic Relief to host Red Nose Day Celebration. The show will feature performances by Villain Theater's two biggest shows "Tales from the Magic City" with special guest Pulitzer Prize-winning American author Dave Barry, and closing out the night we have "Miami Noise Machine: The Improvised Musical" a completely improvised, on-the-spot Broadway show.

 

Red Nose Day USA

 

Doors open at 7:30 PM

 

There will be 2 showings on May 24th - the first one at 8 PM, and the other at 9:45 PM. Tickets for individual time slots can be purchased at: https://www.villaintheater.com/shows/252/2018-05-24

 

Villain Theater is located at 5865 NE 2nd Ave, Miami, FL 33137.

 

We will be selling red noses to fundraise and ticket proceeds will go to Comic Relief USA

AND IN FINANCIAL NEWS

People are buying bitcoin because of a shift in Uranus

(Thanks to Bill Carver)

AIR TRAVEL: MORE FUN WITH EACH PASSING DAY

Passenger Allegedly Urinates On Seat In Front Of Him On Flight

(Thanks to Kevin Smith, John Lobert and Mitch Seibert) 

AUSTRALIAN POLITICS: NOT UNLIKE AUSTRALIAN WILDLIFE

Man arrested for giving Malcolm Turnbull the finger after the PM 'jumped the queue' at a pub has his $250 fine paid by supporters

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

YOU CAN RELAX NOW

Hitler not alive on the moon, study confirms

(Thanks to Ralph)

'I MANOEUVRE MYSELF IN A TASTEFUL WAY'

A vet's Pink Panther pole dancing routine with her border collie has been banned by the Kennel Club because it 'isn't suitable for a family audience'.

(Thanks to Roberto)

THIS WOULD ALSO EXPLAIN SQUIRRELS

Are octopuses alien? New theory argues Earth was 'seeded' by interstellar genetic code

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Ranald Adams)

LOOKING FOR A SPECIAL GIFT FOR DAD FOR FATHER'S DAY?

This baby won't last long.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

AUSTRALIAN WILDLIFE: WILDER THAN YOUR WILDLIFE

'Frantic' mating driving Australian marsupials to extinction

(Thanks to Mary Smith)

CSI: COUNTY DURHAM

Police were called to a swingers club after receiving reports that a child was spotted going inside the adult venue but when they arrived, they discovered it was just a very short woman.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

FLORIDA DINING REPORT

Man spends 4 hours in underwear on the roof of a St. Augustine Wendy's

Autoplay.

THERE'S SUCH A THING AS TOO *MUCH* NATURE

Nature group postpones walk after leader swarmed with ticks

(Thanks to Rick Day)

REMINDS US OF EDWARD R. MURROW COVERING THE LONDON BLITZ

MSNBC's Stephanie Ruhle Wiggles With Joy As Royal Couple's Carriage Passes By

(Thanks to Michael Parry, who says "And the Pulitzer Prize for most estrogen goes to...")

AND HE WAS

Ohio man calls police to report he's being followed by a pig

(Thanks to Ralph)

PROBABLY NOT WHAT THEY WERE THINKING WHEN THEY DREAMED OF FIGHTING FIRES

Firefighters receive training in removing butt plugs and penis rings

(Thanks to Ralph)

THIS IS THE WORST POSSIBLE NEWS

Eel prices expected to surge again this year

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

THERE ARE DAYS WHEN WE FEEL AS THOUGH WE'RE LIVING IN A CARL HIAASEN NOVEL

Stormy Daniels performance cut short after drunk man throws wallet in her face

Key detail: As Daniels’ show, delayed by hours because her luggage was lost by an airline, approached well after midnight, the club remained crowded.

Luggage? Why did she need luggage?

(Thanks to Fred Preller)

CANADA: A NATION DESCENDING INTO ANARCHY

Ontario Provincial Police said a person in Southgate, Grey County, about 145 kilometres northwest of Toronto, contacted them in late April to say someone had been going into their garage and "periodically" taking cans of beer.

Police easily track beer thieves through snow in Huron County

(Thanks to The Perts)

SEND HIM TO WASHINGTON

AHMEDABAD:  A Gujarat government official has claimed that he is Kalki, the tenth incarnation of Vishnu, and can't come to office because he is conducting a "penance" to "change the global conscience". Thanks to his penance, the country is getting good rains, said Rameshchandra Fefar, superintending engineer with the Sardar Sarovar Punarvasvat Agency or SSPA, in reply to a show-cause notice served to him. The notice and his bizarre reply have gone viral on social media. "Even if you don't believe, I am indeed the tenth incarnation of Lord Vishnu and I will prove it in coming days.

(Thanks the tenth incarnation of Ralph)

CRIME DOES NOT PAY

Man accused of stealing from Vidor Walmart hurts ankle, scrotum

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

CSI: GRANDY, MASS.

Piles of shoes left for no apparent reason on traffic island in Granby

(Thanks to Laurie Ann)

YET INSTEAD OF GIVING IT A MEDAL, HE KILLED IT

It was in his backyard eating a squirrel. That's how he came across this monster snake

(Thanks to James in NC)

MOST FLORIDA STORY OF THE WEEKEND SO FAR

Largo couple steals motorized shopping cart from Walmart, drives to bar

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

'IT WAS NOT THE TIME TO BE LINE DANCING'

Former Kenner mayoral candidate arrested after drunken casino brawl, police say

(Thanks to Skeeter Butts)