Dave Barry's Blog

A FLORIDA ENGINEER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Train gets ‘lost’ in England when driver ‘went the wrong way’

(Thanks to Le Peomane, who says: "There are only two ways a train can go and this driver picks the wrong one." Also DaninDallas, who says: "They. Are. On. Tracks.")

AND IN SPORTS

Snake takes over front door to NASCAR team's office

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

QUESTION OF THE DAY SO FAR

Is Crossfit A Public Nuisance?

(Thanks to John Criswell)

NAME THAT STATE!

Homeowner Tried To Shoot Down Hovering Drone

(Thanks to funny man)

SHOULD HAVE MADE A EWE TURN

Sheep gets stuck on Norfolk river bridge... again

(Thanks to wiredog)

REST IN PIZAZZ

Glitter Coffins

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT WAS CLUTCHING A VERY OLD BOTTLE OF HEAD AND SHOULDERS

Oldest known case of dandruff found in 125m-year-old dinosaur

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE NEED TO STEP UP OUR GAME

British kids are now FATTER than US counterparts at age 11

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

NOT NERDY AT ALL!

Star Wars-loving family builds massive Millennium Falcon on their roof

(Thanks to The Perts)

A NATION ON EDGE

Pastry-name war heading to French Parliament

(Thanks to The Perts)

ESPECIALLY IF YOU POOP YOUR PANTS

Dentists can SMELL your fear

(Thanks to Roberto)

'I HEARD IT DIE IN MY HEAD'

Roach lays egg in Florida man's ear

(Thanks to Steve K, elseabs, Le Petomane and Rick Day)

OBJECTION

Accused rapist drops his pants in court to prove his penis doesn’t match the victim's description

(Thanks to Geoff)

THE ILLINOIS DINING SCENE

Man pulls up to Taco Bell drive-thru in horse-drawn cart

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

ACCORDING TO 'THE BROW WHISPERER'

This season's hottest makeup trends: FAKE FRECKLES and more

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ALL WE KNOW AT THIS POINT IS THAT IT HAS A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Mysterious furry creature shot in Montana, puzzling wildlife experts

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Fabian Marson)

LET'S JUST HAND THIS ONCE-GREAT NATION OVER TO THE DAMN RUSSIANS

The most unexpected (and welcome) guest at your next cookout: Carrot dogs

(Thanks to Roberto)

REALLY? HOW ABOUT WE MAKE *THEM* STEER CLEAR OF *US*?

Officials in a Florida county posted signs at a public park warning visitors to steer clear of the aggressive squirrels.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

Related: One Squirrel Takes Out Power in Downtown Akron This Morning

(Thanks to Stever)

FATHER'S DAY IS COMING

How about giving Dad a four-lane bowling alley?

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

REST IN... PLACES

Crematorium shoots human ashes into sky in freak accident

(Thanks to Gary Schroeder)

OTHERWISE IT WENT SMOOTHLY

Robber who wrote name on hold-up note is caught counting money outside Anchorage bank, FBI says

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

A QUESTION WE HAVE ALL ASKED OURSELVES

Can seaweed make cow farts less potent?

(Thanks to Doug Hamilton)

ANYBODY MISSING ANYTHING?

About 18 miles later, he told the trooper that he stopped for gas and found a black handgun sticking out of the Honda's front bumper.

(Thanks to Dave French and Le Petomane)

A FEEL-GOOD STORY

Sperm donor, 62, who has fathered 65 kids from the back of his van

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

THOSE KRAZY KORONERS

LaRoche’s notice of tort claim lists a series of allegations against supervisor DeGeus-Morris, including that she failed to adequately respond to sexual harassment claims against an unnamed Canyon County pathologist, required employees to work on her re-election campaign during work hours, and took unclaimed remains from the morgue to use as rose fertilizer.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

MORE THAN EVER?

In an interview with CNBC that has got the world wondering more than ever about pet balls...

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

GUYS IN ACTION

Homeowner trying to kill weeds ends up burning down garage

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

HE IS WELCOME TO PARK IN MIAMI

80-year-old man crashes car into seafood store in Niles, then walks a few doors down to get a haircut

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

POLITICAL UPDATE FROM FLATHEAD COUNTY

2:53 a.m. A Kalispell man declared himself to be a “sovereign citizen.”

(Thanks to funny man)

THESE KIDS TODAY

Kylan Scheele, 18, admits to posting an ad on Craigslist on Friday that listed Truman High School for sale

(Thanks to funny man)

OH, LIGHTEN UP

Gym sign saying ‘Tired of being fat and ugly? Just be ugly’ under fire

(Thanks to Dad-O-Lot, Another Ralph and Le Petomane)

ART UPDATE

A crowdfunded 7.5-metre (25ft) fountain adorned with more than 220 wooden penises. Inside is a public toilet. When you flush, the penises start to squirt.

(Thanks to funny man)

IT GETS LONELY DOWN THERE

Mussels off the coast of Seattle test positive for opioids

(Thanks to MOTW and Jane Linderman)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

This is a video demonstration of a phone cradle spotted at a restaurant in China that swings your phone and tricks it into registering those swings as steps, apparently so patrons who work for companies that offer healthy insurance discounts for walking a certain amount of steps per day (typically 10,000 -- roughly 8km/5-miles, or about an hour and forty minutes of walking) can meet their quota "while dining, drinking, and smoking."

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WHAT SHED, OFFICER?

Maine police bust men dragging stolen shed down road

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

THEY WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT CARGO PANTS

Authorities in Florida shared video of two thieves accused of stealing 3,396 quarters in a late night car wash burglary.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON DO, DUDE?

Security troops on US nuclear missile base took LSD

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, Rick Stevenson and Chris Elzi)

MEANWHILE IN THE CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE

Video shows road rage suspect hitting man with sledgehammer

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and John Lobert)

NO

Is cow cuddling set to be the next big wellness trend?

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

A FLORIDA LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Man smashed Anchorage DMV window because he wasn’t allowed in minutes after closing

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

AN ALTERNATIVE TO LIFTING WEIGHTS

A snake catcher has started letting wild cobras bite him once a week, he says, to maintain his strength.

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

WHILE THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS HUMAN RIGHTS COUNCIL' DOES NOTHING

Floridians Sue McDonald's Because They Had to Pick the Cheese Off Their Quarter Pounders

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND IN SPORTS:

...you don't want to know.

(Thanks to OldPhil)

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS A PERFECT HEIST

Largo man broke into jewelry store, cut himself on glass and bled all over everything, police say

(Thanks to James Flynn)

BULLETIN BULLETION BULLETIN

Froot Loops is adding a new flavor

(Thanks to Bill Carver)

SOMEBODY'S DEFINITELY GOING TO HELL

Authorities say a priest found two people having sex beneath a statue of the Virgin Mary at a Roman Catholic church in New Jersey.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

NO DOUBT ON ITS WAY TO FLORIDA

Self-driving car caught on camera running red light

(Thanks to John Lobert)

SO TO SPEAK

The group hoping to crush the Guinness Record for the world’s largest recorded orgy scrambled to find a new place to hold the event after the Las Vegas hotel they planned to host it pulled out.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WAIT, WHAT?

Feds plan to wipe Gorilla Snot on Giant Mine

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAA

Broward Sheriff’s Deputy Stole DVDs, Toys From Walmart While In Uniform: Police

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)