Dave Barry's Blog

HEY, IT GOT INTO LAW SCHOOL

You May Have a 'Second Brain' in Your Butt... And It's Smarter Than You Think

(Thanks to Rick Stevenson)

DUDE

Southwest Plane Bound For LAX Makes Emergency Landing After Passenger Smokes Joint

(Thanks to Greg Snow and John Lobert

ABOUT YOUR CAR, SIR...

Hotel Valet Manages to Escape from a Porsche After Driving It Under Another Vehicle

(Thanks to Gary Schroeder, Rick Day, John Lobert and Jane Linderman)

AND IN SPORTS;

Goose vs. baseball.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

TO BOLDLY GO

This Idaho man is leaving his job as county clerk to follow a dream of cleaner toilet seats.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

'EVEN THOUGH WE'RE OLD, WE'RE PROUD OF OUR BODIES'

HOUSTON - A group of women want to know what happened to the calendars they shipped for a fundraiser after they were replaced with cans of fish and a candle.

(Thanks to L. Raymond)

WORKPLACE OF WEEK SO FAR

Flatulence, pinched nipples cited in workplace nightmare lawsuit from League City car salesman

(Thanks to L. Raymond, John Lobert and -- of course -- Le Petomane)

IT WILL BE GREAT FUN UNTIL THE SQUIRREL SHUTS OFF HIS POWER

Over a period of two weeks, a guy in England was able to train a squirrel in his backyard to complete a pretty impressive obstacle course in order to reach the delicious food at the end.

(Thanks to Scott Cramer)

ALSO ANY MOSQUTOES YOU HAPPEN TO ENCOUNTER

Calling all hunters: Everglades National Park wants you to kill its Burmese pythons

TO BE FAIR, THEY WERE SMALL

Surgeon removes 4,100 gallstones from patient complaining of abdominal pain

(Thanks to MOTW)

WE'RE JUST SAYING

7 things which happen to your body when you stop having sex - and it's worse news for women than men

(Thanks to John Lobert)

On the other hand: 106-year-old woman says key to longevity is staying single

(Thanks to elseabs)

EVEN FOR FLORIDA, THIS IS PRETTY FLORIDA

Florida woman named Crystal Methvin arrested again on drug charges

(Thanks to James Flynn, DaninDallas and Lars Frederiksen)

IN THAT CASE, CAPTAIN, YOU ARE FREE TO HAVE SCOTTY BEAM YOU UP

Clearwater man caught masturbating tells officers he's Captain Kirk

(Thanks to James Flynn and Roberto)

AFTER 'SLIPPING IN BATHROOM'

A man has had a shower head removed from his rectum

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Massive albino peacock on the loose, roaming small village

(Thanks to elseabs and John Lobert, who claims he saw MAP open for the Byrds)

OR ‘LARRY’ FOR SHORT

The skull, found nearly complete, represents a new species, dubbed Cifelliodon wahkarmoosuch. 

(Thanks to Gary Bickford)

YOU TELL US

Is this the world’s biggest cornflake?

 (Thanks to John Lobert)

AND IN SPORTS

Cheese Rolling champion breaks record at British contest

(Thanks to Michael Parry, Rick Day and Bob Brogan)

SHE HAD HER REASONS

Woman arrested for attempting to remove her boyfriend's testicles during altercation

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes, who says "Do not argue with them.")

STILL WORKING OUT THE BUGS, OFFICER

Tesla in Autopilot mode crashes into parked Laguna Beach police cruiser

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

DAD WOULD PREFER ACTUAL MEAT

The Kraft Foods brand's new venture (aka gimmick) timed for dads' big day on June 17 — and grilling season — is a trio of meat-scented candles.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "No beer scent?")

AT LEAST IT'S NOT COCKROACH MILK

Camel milk is the latest dairy trend rising in demand across the world

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

EW, CANADA

‘Our car was inundated with liquid poo falling from the sky’

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

HE SAVES

A statue of Jesus Christ was the only thing standing between an out-of-control truck and a potentially serious collision, police say.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

BUD LIGHT AND CLAMATO?

THE 10 WORST BEERS IN THE WORLD

(Thanks to MOTW)

WE'RE TALKING TO YOU

Stop Scrubbing Tombstones.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

4:29 p.m. A Kalispell man called 911 because he had “an emergency” and he needed some “lady cops” to respond immediately.

(Thanks to Roberto)

SCIENCE

How much fart is on your plane at any given time?

(Thanks to Ralph)

TASTEFUL!

Meet the father and son morticians who preserve and frame dead people's TATTOOS - so loved ones can hang the body art on their walls as memorials

(Thanks to Michael Moyer)

HOT DOGS ARE OK

Please Don't Roast Marshmallows Over the Erupting Hawaii Volcano, USGS Warns

(Thanks to KJP and Jim Perth)

JESUS 'WOULDN'T BE RIDING A DONKEY'

A prosperity gospel televangelist is asking disciples to “pray about becoming a partner” to his mission of obtaining a $54 million private jet.

(Thanks to funny man and Slim Chance)

IN OUR DAY WE JUST ORDERED PIZZA

Students catch, eat snake in dorm

(Thanks to funny man)

BUT OFFICER, I JUST HAD ONE DRINK

Rapper Snoop Dogg took his 1993 hit "Gin and Juice" to the next level at a California music festival by mixing a record-breaking 132-gallon cocktail.

(Thanks to funny man)

ABSOLUTELY, SIR; IT'S OUR PLEASURE

Drunken wrong-way driver offers cops $50 to let him go

(Thanks to funny man)

IT WAS ALMOST CERTAINLY A SQUIRREL WEARING A SNAKE COSTUME

Snake causes over 4000 in Knoxville to lose power

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

ALLOWING US HUMAN JOURNALISTS TO SPEND MORE TIME IN BARS

This Media Startup Is Beating the Competition With a Newsroom Run by Robots

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

POLICE WERE THERE IN SECONDS

Man Arrested After Climbing Into Dunkin’ Donuts Window, And Right Back Out

(Thanks to Debbie in Den Hasg)

CSI: RONKONKOMA

27 rabbits abandoned at Long Island train station

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

CLASSY!

Bizarre moment woman shaves her legs as she sits on the edge of a busy hotel swimming pool in Florida

(Thanks to Geoff, Rick Day, Jeff Meyerson, Allen at Division and John Lobert)

SOMEBODY MAY NEED TO BE FRISKED

NYPD cops face possible discipline for posing with G-string-clad strippers

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GUYS IN ACTION

Inexplicably, Adams did not let go of the rattlesnake, even as his hand began to swell.

(Thanks to John W)

WE HAVE JEANS THAT OLD

A buyer in Southeast Asia has purchased a pair of 125-year-old Levis for almost $100,000.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

SPEAKING ON BEHALF OF THE GENDER: NO.

Men, Are You and Your Legs Ready for a Summer of Suit Shorts?

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

HOW A GUY CLEANS A CAT'S LITTER BOX

This is pretty great.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

NOBEL PRIZE TIME, DUDES

Ontario company developing a beer that gets you high instead of drunk

(Thanks to Alkali Bill and Roberto)

OR, NOT

To humanely euthanize a cane toad, we’re told we should capture it, rub a 20 percent benzocaine gel on its belly, then freeze it.

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

MEMORIAL DAY

Have a good one, but please remember why it's called Memorial Day.

TESTS SHOWED THAT IT CONTAINED TRACES OF MEAT

Hormel recalls more than 220,000 pounds of Spam

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck)

THE BEES ALL PRODUCED VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

5 hospitalized after car crash involving station wagon transporting hundreds of bees

(Thanks to Laurie Ann)

NOW WITH ADDED CONDIMENTS

A patron at a Culver's in Arizona felt an unexpected crunch in his mouth while he was eating his burger. He spit the item out - then realized it was a fake fingernail.

(Thanks to Matt Filar, who says "Roughage?")