Dave Barry's Blog

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED, PEOPLE

Britain’s first Flat Earth conference hears final, definite proof that gravity doesn’t exist

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YIKES

Driving on Nepal's waterfall road.

(Thanks to Greg Snow, who says "You are now free to unclench your ass.")

WE'VE HAD FLIGHT DELAYS ROUGHLY THAT LONG

Rogue cat named Pepper rescued after running loose in JFK International Airport for 8 days

(Thanks to Steven Pudlo)

HEROISM

Trucker gets lost in the woods with truck full of chips, doesn’t eat any

(Thanks to Jane Linderman and Matt Filar)

IT WAS HIS ONLY VIABLE OPTION

Police say a 58-year-old Florida man shot at his roommate because he was angry about cat hair being on the couch.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

WE'LL HAVE AN ESPRESSO WITH AN EXTRA SHOT, IF YOU CATCH OUR DRIFT

Truck carrying Starbucks products to Washington was also hauling 126 pounds of meth

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT

There's a rogue bog running, or at least floating, amok in Minnesota.

(Thanks to John Hayden) 

ADVISORY TO DES MOINES MOTORISTS:

Be alert for giant rolling ducks.

(Thanks to Rudolph)

AND IN SPORTS

Police stop golf course brawl that involved weapons and resulted in broken bones

(Thanks to Steve K.)

WE HOPE NOBODY TELLS NO. 17

Farewell, No. 16: scientists left 'miserable' after world's oldest spider dies aged 43

Guess the continent.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, Pumpkin, DaninDallas, Rob Simbeck, coscolo, elseabs, Al Barkafski, Michael Parry, Jim Kenaston and Le Petomane)

WE HAVE NO DOUBTS AS TO HIS DESTINATION

Naked man on ATV leads police on wrong-way, highway chase in Kansas City

(Thanks to Ron W. And Kevin Smith)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

Woman smashes Popeyes window with chair because store wouldn't let her order Wendy's special

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YOU KNOW IT’S NOT LOW-FLOW

Kim Jong Un is bringing his own toilet to the Koreas summit

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

IN WHICH CASE THEY SHOULD SEND IT TO WASHINGTON

Researchers can now keep a pig's brain alive outside of its body

(Thanks to Chris Johnson)

SUBTLE

Suspect flees police on motorcycle with 'XFELON' license plate

(Thanks to Bob Brogan, who says “There's not one person on this blog that doesn't know where this guy was headed.”)

CANADIAN BACON IN THE NEWS

Police officer covered in mud from wrestling escaped pig

(Thanks to funny man)

MEN:

For the love of God, do not click here.

(Thanks to John Lobert and Le Petomane)

EVIDENTLY THE DRIVER ALREADY HAS A FLORIDA LICENSE

Truck plunges into Cape canal after driver attempts to jump over it

(Thanks to Jane Linderman, who says "Hold my beer.")

'THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME MY FATHER WAS EVER IN LOCKUP RIGHT HERE'

Powder seized by police after car crash was human remains, not heroin

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and Le Petomane)

EW

Adventurer Plops A Wriggling Grub Into His Ear And Lets It Eat His Excess Ear Wax

(Thanks to Chris Johnson)

CANADIAN GUYS IN ACTION

Wood said the accused moved his ATV near the front staircase. He tied a dog leash around her torso and used the winch to drag her up the stairs.

Key Quote: “Most of my troubles have occurred when I've been consuming alcohol.”

(Thanks to Brian Tremblay)

IT'S IMPORTANT TO HYDRATE

0.5K charity road race in Texas starts and ends with a beer

(Thanks to Wolverine)

DADS IN ACTION

"He intended to pick up his child at South Elgin High School but inadvertently went to her former school," Olsem's letter read.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias, who says "There but by the grace of God went I a few years back.  We've played soccer at either the middle school or the high school and I turned into the other one when the GPS said to turn.")

WE'RE THINKING WE NEED ONE...

...of these:

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

NOW (TWITCH) YOU (TWITCH) TELL US (TWITCH)

No, electrocuting yourself into losing weight isn’t a good idea

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

WE’RE GUESSING IT’S AUSTRALIAN

Bizarre four-foot 'mutant' florescent fish spotted in lake - and no-one can explain what it is

(Thanks to John Lobert)

AND ‘BODILY SECRETIONS ON HER PATIO WINDOW’

A Florida woman who was awakened early yesterday by the “sounds of loud moaning” discovered a naked man sprawled out on her deck with massage oil and a sex toy

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

AW

An Ohio police officer made amends with a local firefighter by presenting him with a cake reading: "Sorry I tased you."

(Thanks to Noah Spicker)

BOLO

Crawfish escape restaurant, run for freedom in parking lot

(Thanks to Noah Spicker)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

Staring at boobs is just one of six easy ways men can live longer

FLORIDA: OUR WILDLIFE IS WILDER THAN YOURS

Florida photographer Doc Jon recently captured an image of an osprey carrying a shark, which has a fish in its mouth.

(Thanks to Noah Spicker)

IT’S GETTING SO YOU CAN’T TRUST ANYBODY

Woman uses someone else’s urine for drug test, fails anyway

(Thanks to Bill Carver)

THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH

Disney erects giant Woody at Hollywood Studios

(Thanks to Peter [heh] Metrinko)

GUYS IN ACTION

Dad helps son remove loose tooth with crossbow

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

HIGHWAY ADVISORY

A semi truck crash in China caused a slippery mess when the trailer spilled its load of more than 100,000 duck eggs into the roadway.

(Thanks to Jon Harris, who says "We're gonna need a bigger skillet.")

THIS IS WHY THE INTERNET WAS INVENTED

Disturbingly Hilarious Pictures Of Bearded Men Looking Straight Up

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

IF THEY REALLY NEED TO KNOW, THEY CAN ALWAYS ASK SOMEBODY ON SNAPCHAT

Schools are removing analogue clocks from exam halls as teenagers 'cannot tell the time'

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Reported rattlesnake turns out to be rubber cobra

(Thanks to Ralph)

NOT THE ONION

The Penn State Outing Club, originally founded in 1920, announced last week that the university will no longer allow the club to organize outdoor, student-led trips starting next semester. The hiking, camping and other outdoors-focused activities the student-led club has long engaged in are too risky, the university’s offices of Student Affairs and Risk Management determined.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, who says “And talking is too dangerous for the Debate Club.”)

THE WORD IS ‘HERO’

Man on forklift prevents keg of beer from hitting the ground

(Thanks to John Lobert)

PRESUMABLY THEY MEANT ‘ANGUS’

Unfortunate typo on sausage packet

(Thanks to John Lobert)

OTHER THAN THAT IT WAS A FLAWLESS PRESENTATION

Flaming cheese sets off sprinklers at Baltimore's Cava Mezze restaurant

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who says “Flaming Cheese toured with Bread.”)

IT WAS A CONSENTING SCALE

Robot vacuum caught gettin' it on with bathroom scale

(Thanks to Ralph)

SQUEAMISH MEN:

Do not click here.

(Thanks to ImNotDave)

HE ALSO BOUGHT BEER

12-year-old Got in a Fight With His Mom, So He Took Her Credit Card and Ran Away to Bali

(Thanks to Jon Harris, MOTW and Matt Filar)

CRIME OF THE CENTURY SO FAR

A Texas man has been sentenced to 50 years in prison for stealing $1.2 million worth of fajitas over nine years.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

YOU KNOW WHO GAVE THE ORDER

Goose attacks Michigan high school golfer

(Thanks to Michael Parry and GonzoJhawk)

FLORIDA: STATE OF ROMANCE

Man Battered Boyfriend With Singing Fish

(Thanks to Janice Gelb and Ralph)

LET'S GET READY TO RUMMMMMMMBLE

The 2018 European Stone Stacking Championships

(Thanks to The Perts)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Hernando County commissioner arrested on prostitution charges

(Thanks to D. Shey)