Dave Barry's Blog

THIS HAPPENED IN AUSTRALIA, SO NATURALLY IT WAS VENOMOUS

Fisherman gets excited when he hooks a big one… only to discover he's latched onto a LAWNMOWER

(Thanks to John Lobert)

EVEN FOR FLATHEAD COUNTY...

...this is weird.

(Thanks to many people)

CSI: LONG ISLAND

Suffolk County district judge apologizes, admits he's serial underwear stealer

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Stella Rondo, Another Ralph, Michael Parry, Chris Elzi and Al Barkafski)

MOTHER'S DAY IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER

This Set of 40 Life-Size Amish Wax Figures Could Be Yours

(Thanks to Chris Johnson)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICERS?

Cops couldn’t find her ex, but then he fell through the ceiling with a knife and meth, Kansas police say

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

MR. CIVIC-MINDED

Ozzy Osbourne joins Alamogordo Chamber of Commerce

(Thanks to Alkali Bill)

BUT YOU CAN WEAR A SUIT

Summer’s coming, and R.I.’s nudist campground needs a lifeguard

(Thanks to Allen at Division, Jay Brandes, Al Barkafski, Bill Carver and Poker) 

 

‘WE ARE WILLING TO ADVISE, BUT WE CAN NOT CLOSE THE DEAL’

Police officer helps clueless man break up with his girlfriend

(Thanks to wanderer2575)

 

OR IN MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY, A ‘QUARRY’

Woman’s abdominal pain turns out to be 2,350 gallstones

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

THERE IS NO REASON TO GO ON LIVING

Syfy confirms 'Sharknado' series ending with the 6th and final film

(Thanks to The Perts)

NO DOUBT LOOKING FOR AUSTRALIA

Houston-area couple woken up by doorbell camera only to find giant snake on their door

(Thanks to Bobby Grawl)

”Woken up?”

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

2:54 a.m. A Kalispell resident called 911 because they were convinced that someone had snuck a device into their home that makes everything shake.

Also:

4:08 p.m. A Kalispell resident reported finding a Craigslist ad “calling for all clowns to rise up” and meet at Woodland Park later that day. The “clowns” were also advised to “bring your tools.”

(Thanks to Roberto)

THE GOOD NEWS KEEPS ON COMING

Butt-lifting underwear isn’t just for women

(Thanks to Bill Carver and Matt Filar)

 

‘PROPONENTS ARE GETTING EXCITED ABOUT IT’

Men are ‘zapping’ their penises to treat erectile dysfunction

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

BUSTED FOR DWU (DRIVING WHILE UNOCCUPIED)

Self-Driving Car Ticketed

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

FATHER'S DAY IS COMING

Maybe Dad needs a crane.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

WE NEED TO GET THOSE THINGS OUT OF CIVILIAN HANDS

The officer photographed the girl's left arm and saw a red mark "consistent with something hot, like a burrito, striking her," according to the affidavit.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

LOUISIANA GENDER REVEAL OF THE WEEK SO FAR

In a video posted to Facebook on March 25, and which has now been seen more than 1.6 million times, the proud papa gently taps a big mama-jama of an alligator on the nose before popping a watermelon in his mouth. The gator immediately clamps down on the melon, which is filled with blue goo to indicate their new baby's gender.

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

NO

Tiny, tooth-mounted sensors that can track what you eat

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

"NEW MEANING TO THE TERM 'CARPOOL'"

Florida woman fails to put car into park, car rolls into pool with husband and child inside, cops say

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS:

Chess Boxing.

(Thanks to The Perts)

We may have blogged about this before, but we don't care, because: Chess Boxing!

THE ANSWER IS: NO, BECAUSE THE SQUIRRELS WOULD STEAL THEM

'Do bunnies lay eggs?': A surprising number of people don't know

(Thanks to Ralph)

CSI: CLEVELAND

Cuyahoga County sheriff's deputies are investigating the mysterious poisoning of a county probation officer's pet goldfish.

(Thanks to Stever)

OTTERS ARE BASICALLY AQUATIC SQUIRRELS

OTTER TARGETS KAYAKING GRANDMOTHER IN HORRIFIC ATTACK

(Thanks to Todd Lawson)

TOTALLY OK IN MIAMI

Uber drives down stairs, gets stuck in San Francisco

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Chris Elzi and Rick Day)

I DON'T CARE IF I EVER GET BACK

Dodger Stadium flooded with sewage after pipe bursts

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and Peter Metrinko)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Mystery grows as man who owed $500K in child support disappears on a paddle board

GIVING NEW MEANING TO THE TERM

"Let's drop in on the neighbors."

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

THE JOKES, THEY WRITE THEMSELVES

So, there is a clown running for Congress in South Carolina

(Thanks to Vernon Bowen, Al Barkafski, Rob Simbeck and Le Petomane)

NEW JERSEY EDUCATION REPORT

Teacher ditches job to become full-time dominatrix with two live-in 'slaves' she walks on dog leads

(Thanks to John Lobert)

YOU KNOW WHO'S DIRECTING THE ATTACKS

Hawks Are Dive-Bombing, Clawing People's Heads in Connecticut

(Thanks to Ranald Adams and DaninDallas)

OOPS

Suspect fleeing Springfield police mistakenly jumps into detective's undercover car

(Thanks to Laurie Ann)

HEALTHCARE INNOVATION OF THE WEEK SO FAR

The crocodile took up position outside the main gate to St Patrick’s hospital and charged at anyone trying to enter or leave, creating panic among residents, local media reported.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

HE WAS ISSUED A FLORIDA PILOT'S LICENSE ON THE SPOT

A Glasgow man is accused of multiple felony charges after Warren County sheriff’s deputies said the man drove a stolen vehicle into a lake at Basil Griffin Park. He was later found naked inside a helicopter at Aviation Heritage Park.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston and Le Petomane)

FLORIDAAAAAAAA

‘Feisty’ Ocala woman arrested after delivering ‘love tap’ to man’s groin region

(Thanks to Rick Day)

CSI: NIGERIA

The police alleged that shortly after the Keke NAPEP operator collected the two N50 notes from the cook, he raised the alarm that the cook had taken his penis with the two N50 notes he gave to him and started fighting the innocent man to return his penis back to him.

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND YOU THOUGHT HE WASN'T REAL

Woman arrested for making lewd comments to Easter Bunny

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and Le Petomane)

LOOKING FOR A FUN EASTER GIFT FOR THE KIDS?

Look no farther.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Slices of dried ketchup are here to stop your burger going soggy

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

WHAT TO SEE IN SOUTH WALES

Captain Beany’s Baked Bean Museum Of Excellence

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THEY CAN’T SAY THIS BLOG DIDN’T WARN THEM

It's getting a little squirrelly at the coast

(Thanks to Michael Moyer, Roberto, Bill Hudgins, Rod Nunley, Steven Pudlo, Patty Villanova, Don Faber, Le Petomane, Al Barkafski, Dan Barr, DaninDallas, PirateBoy and Mark Schlesinger)

THIS IS TRULY WONDERFUL

An owl acting as the ring-bearer went rogue at a wedding attacking the best man

(Thanks to John Lobert) 

SO KEEP IT UP

15 Years of Collecting Rhino Semen Is Finally Paying Off

(Thanks to Stella Rondo)

BECAUSE THOSE ARE DEFINITELY THE CAUSE

Venezuela hopes to tackle the world’s worst inflation by deleting zeros from its currency

(Thanks to Steve Pudlo)

 

THEY WERE ASKING FOR IT

Angry customer attacks golden arches at Oregon McDonald’s

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and B'game)

THEY’RE EVOLVING

Crawfish clings to beer, smokes a cigarette

(Thanks to Alan Dean)

ATTENTION, LAWYERS:

Don’t Give Closing Argument With A .337 Breathlyzer

(Thanks to Alan Dean)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE ANIMALS

Agitated moose shatters driver's windshield

(Thanks to Ralph)

NEW HAMPSHIRE NIGHTLIFE UPDATE

Three arrested after fight in the beer aisle at Walmart in West Lebanon early Saturday evening

(Thanks to Glen Page)

WHERE THE HELL IS THE UNITED NATIONS?

New York Is Literally Running Out of Cheetos

(Thanks to Le Petomane)