Dave Barry's Blog

THE VICTIM TRIED TO DEFEND HIMSELF WITH A FRYING PAN

Man stabbed and bit neighbour over 'incessantly' reciting poetry

(Thanks to John Finn)

AND NOT A DECEASED RAT, EITHER

Couple find rat staring back at them in sealed packet of Aldi plums

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "Now with extra protein!")

A JOB FOR THE K-9 UNIT

Arlington Police Are Searching For Suspected Cologne Thief

(Thanks to MOTW)

IT WAS A CONSENTING MOTORBIKE

Randy man drops his trousers and has sex with motorbike in full view of CCTV cameras

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WE BLAME 'BITCOIN', WHATEVER THE HELL THAT IS

Taiwan running out of toilet paper amid pricing panic

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

WOOF WOOF

Barbra Streisand reveals she cloned her dog twice

 

THEREBY QUALIFYING HER FOR TWO FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Woman Born with Unique Birthmark Learns She's Her Own Twin

(Thanks to Steve K., who says "I tried this on the nuns in grade school; they didn't buy it.")

CANADA: WHERE EVEN THE WILDLIFE ACTS CANADIAN

Herd of deer obeys stop sign in Canada

(Thanks to Ralph)

SEND THESE PRIESTS TO WASHINGTON

The Vatican has reportedly set up a new exorcism training course amid soaring demand for priests trained to rid people of demonic possession.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

GETAWAY VEHICLE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

New Assault Charges for Rogue Canadian Golfer Who Tried to Escape on Ice Floe

(Thanks to L. Raymond)

NEITHER SNOW NOR RAIN...

Nudist Community Upset USPS Mail Carrier Won’t Deliver Their Mail

Guess the state.

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley, John Criswell and Patty Villanova)

'LIKE A BOMB'

E-cigarette battery explodes in Derby man’s pants.

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

THESE KIDS TODAY

East Alton Firefighters 'Rescue' Teenager Stuck In A Baby Swing

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

PRIORITIES

A Florida woman was arrested for allegedly beating up her boyfriend because he interrupted sex to check on dinner.

(Thanks to Patty Villanova and Jeff Meyerson)

CSI: HAZLE TOWNSHIP

Man accused of stealing meatballs had the evidence all over his face, Penn. cops say

(Thanks to Kevin Smith, Ralph, Stella Rondo, Al Barkafski, coscolo, John Criswell, Rob Simbeck, Michael Parry, Le Petomane and DaninDallas)

A FUN WORKPLACE

Bronx DA’s office overrun with sex, booze and fights, employee says

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "They say this like it's a bad thing.")

CAREER OPPORTUNITY OF THE WEEK SO FAR

The city is looking for a candidate with the right kind of gruff to become Edmonton's first official "goat co-ordinator."

(Thanks to Bob Brogan and Roberto)

JUST WHEN WE WERE STARTING TO GIVE UP HOPE

Elvis Presley is running for an Arkansas congressional seat

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Jay Brandes)

YOU HAVE TO PAY THEM OFF

Alligator Keeps Family Trapped Inside Florida Home

(Thanks to Mr. Dick Lobo)

THIS BEING AUSTRALIA, THE CHILD ATE IT

Venomous snake turns up in Australian lunchbox

(Thanks to Fabian marson and Howard from Broward))

WHERE IT QUICKLY BECAME AN ASSOCIATE

Flooding brings muskrat to Grand Rapids law firm

(Thanks to Dan Barr and Allen at Division)

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER RIDE THE SUBWAY SOBER

Drunken man emerges from under subway train unharmed after scaring straphangers

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THERE’S A WEBSITE CALLED ‘POWEROFPOOP’

Doctors express worry as people inject themselves with poo at home

(Thanks to W. Von Papineau)

THEY WON’T GET FAR WITHOUT BATTERIES

Thief uses dildo to smash sex shop cabinet before stealing two 24-carat gold vibrators

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

THE ARGUMENT: ALCOHOLICS HAVE A HIGHER TOLERANCE

SA man claims Texas' legal alcohol limit 'unfairly discriminates against alcoholics' in DWI appeal

(Thanks to Neil Sullivan) 

BY ‘WRONG WAY,’ WE ASSUME THEY MEAN ‘TOWARD FLORIDA’

Naked man on ATV leads police on wrong-way, highway chase in Kansas City

(Thanks to Kevin Smith, Ron W., John Lobert and Roberto) 

CSI: SEEKONK

Two people arrested after police find 7 chickens stuffed inside backpack

(Thanks to Laurie Ann)

SORRY, LADIES: HE'S TAKEN

Tattoo addict inks EYEBALLS and inside of mouth in bid to cover whole body

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

GUYS IN ACTION

Man burns down his house trying to get rid of skunks

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

DESPITE THE FACT THAT THE HORSE PRODUCED A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE

Man accused of riding horse on California freeway arrested for DUI

(Thanks to Fabian Marson, Ralph, Roberto, DaninDallas, manual tomato, Jane Linderman and Matt Filar) 

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

A Flamin’ Hot Cheetos movie is in the works

(Thanks to Joe Green)

KARMA

A young boy in southwest China who entertained himself on a lift ride by urinating all over the control buttons got a nasty surprise when the system short-circuited and he became stuck.

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

THE GOOD NEWS: WE HAVE A STORY FROM AUSTRALIA THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE DEADLY ANIMALS

The bad news: Australians celebrate the mullet

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

CSI: EW

Texas woman ‘intentionally defecated’ inside police cruiser to hide drugs

Also a Valentine’s Day card was involved.

(Thanks to Jane Linderman, Al Barkafski and Jeff Meyerson, who says “We do NOT pay our cops enough.”)

HE HAS EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH LOCKED UP

McDonald's manager in Cleveland accused of firing shots at customers

(Thanks to Jane Linderman, who says “Ya want fries with that?”)

IF THIS ISN'T A POWERFUL ENTICEMENT TO TAKE UP VAPING, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IS

WE BET

‘Africa’s answer to Kim Kardashian’ says her 60 inch backside stops traffic

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

THE JUDGES DEDUCTED TWO POINTS FOR SHRINKAGE

Watch STREAKER run on to ice with a MONKEY protecting his PRIVATES

(Thanks to Roberto)

DON'T WORRY: THEIR IDENTITIES ARE BEING PROTECTED

Animal smuggler caught trying to bring 12 donkeys and a horse into North Wales

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

WHAT'S THE SQUARE ROOT OF STUPID?

Students in Louisiana thought this math symbol looked like a gun. Police were called

(Thanks to Glen Page and Peter Metrinko)

THIS HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN

Former Freemason, 51, found drunk and naked inside a huge pipe organ with a toy gun and remote-controlled police car says he got lost while trying to hand out cheeseburgers to the homeless

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who says "In that case, sir...")

'THE MALE G SPOT'

The 63-year-old found himself unable to stop orgasming, a new study reveals, after accidentally discovering prostate stimulation could bring him to climax

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

SO *THAT'S* WHO'S WATCHING THE WINTER OLYMPICS

Moose caught watching Olympic bobsleigh in most Canadian moment ever

(Thanks to Ralph)

YOUR 'ASSETS' JOKE HERE

Argentina's 'sexiest weathergirl' insures her famous bum for a whopping £72,000 to protect it from "all risks"

(Thanks to Ralph)

STAND TALL, DINESH SHIVNATH UPADHYAYA

An Indian man who holds several Guinness World Records has another title to his name after sucking down a bottle of ketchup in under 30 seconds.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

THEY'RE PERSISTENT LITTLE BASTARDS

What frustrated squirrels can teach us about perseverance

(Thanks to Alan Dean)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR EACH OTHER

Yard Goats cancel monkey rodeo show after complaints made

(Thanks to Alan Dean)

THEY WERE RELEASED AFTER SURRENDERING THE LAUNCH CODES

Four large pythons found in Florida's abandoned missile base

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

OOPS

Escort shows up at wrong house in Cape Coral

(Thanks to Noah Spicker)

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

Not this blog.

(Thanks to Noah Spicker)