Dave Barry's Blog

YOU ARE NOW FREE TO... UM....

Virgin Atlantic offers 'love suites' on NY flights

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO

Today is National Gorilla Suit Day.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BECAUSE ANYBODY CAN STEAL JUST ONE PLANE

Florida man tries to steal two planes, take joyride in golf cart and fuel truck, cops say

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THEY ALL PRODUCED VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSES

Freshly squeezed! Police seize four tonnes of oranges packed in the back of a car and van

(Thanks to Fabian Marson, Al Barkafski, Dorkfish, Le Petomane, Jon Harris and MOTW)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

6:50 p.m. Someone was almost shot because of a hug. Meth was involved.

(Thanks to Roberto)

FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS

Large beetles are shrinking, thanks to climate change

(Thanks to The Perts)

THE DEMAND IS HIGH

Swiss university unveils yodelling degree

(Thanks to Ralph)

BOLO

A report following an incident where a mother and her three-year-old child nearly fell through the toilet floor of a moving train, has found the floor had been missing for months, since April 2017.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

IN THE LINE OF DUTY, EH, DUDE?

Two Toronto police officers who allegedly ingested marijuana edibles, hallucinated and called for help while on duty Sunday have been suspended, CBC News has learned.

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE CLASH

NH bill would punish owners of trespassing chickens

(Thanks to Poker)

ONE BY ONE WE ARE LOSING OUR FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHTS

A woman who tried to board a United flight from Newark, N.J., recently was turned away after showing up at the airport with her emotional support peacock in tow.

(Thanks to Patty Villanova and W. von Papineau)

*YOU* TRY TELLING IT TO STOP

Elephant Crosses China-Laos Border, Ignoring Security Checkpoint

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

APPARENTLY THE CHUCK E. CHEESE'S WAS CLOSED

Eggs, Chairs Fly During Massive Brawl at NJ Denny's

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

GUESS WHERE THIS HAPPENED

Shocked man finds massive tiger snake coiled around printer in his home office - just metres from where his daughter was playing

IN THAT CASE, SIR...

Naked man high on meth: Sex made me crash my truck

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Stripper punched out my teeth after I called her a bad mom

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

OH THE HUMANITY

Tractor trailer loaded with celery overturns on Interstate 81 in Wythe County

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

'WE DID NOT TAKE THE RISK TO SEND A PLUMBER OUTSIDE AT 10,000 METERS HIGH'

Norwegian plane with 84 plumbers had to return to Oslo because of toilet problem

(Thanks to Rod Nunley and Ralph)

THE RESPONSIBLE IMAGINEER HAS BEEN SENTENCED TO THREE MONTHS IN THE GOOFY SUIT

Disney terrifies children with headless animatronic

(Thanks to Bill Carver)

BUT YOU KNOW WHO THE MASTERMIND WAS

Donkey leads escaped herd of goats and sheep through California neighborhood

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

GUYS IN ACTION

Man tries to remove insects from his tree with just a plastic shopping bag

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

THE NEWS FROM BANGKOK

A woman who drops her jeans to reveal her “white” bottom while promoting a buttocks whitening cream in a video online has been charged by consumer protection police with “mislabelling” the product she promotes.

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE

Elk pulled over in north Idaho

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

A MAN HAS TO STAND FOR SOMETHING

"I'll go to (expletive) jail over some barbecue sauce!"

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GUYS IN ACTION

Guys Successfully Tow Car From Ditch On One Side Of The Road To The Other

(Thanks to John Lobert)

STREET VALUE: $2.37

New Orleans pulls 93,000 pounds of Mardi Gras beads from storm drains

(Thanks to John Lobert)

IT LOOKS AS GOOD AS IT SOUNDS

Ram's Head Soup

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

THEY ARE OFTEN MISTAKEN FOR EACH OTHER

When a California woman ordered a tiny Russian hat from Amazon, the Jacobin magazine writer didn't expect the online retailer to mix up her order and deliver illegal scorpion venom instead.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

For Christmas this blog was given an Amazon Echo, which is a countertop device containing a pleasant woman named "Alexa" who responds to a wide range of requests, such as "Alexa, what is the weather forecast?" and "Alexa, play 'Game of Love' by Wayne Fontana and the Mindbenders." We use Alexa to keep a running shopping list, and this morning I said to her: "Alexa, add fruit to shopping list." This is how Alexa responded:

She is a vixen, that Alexa.

FORGET ABOUT GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE

Bangkok's mega-brothels are causing the city to sink

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "This problem will require a lot of in depth research.")

FIRST BABOONS, AND NOW THIS

Nutella brawls break out in French supermarkets

(Thanks to many people)

ISN'T THAT HOW IT'S MADE NOW?

Astronauts could make 'Marmite' from their own faeces

Autoplay.

(Thanks to The Perts)

FINALLY, CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION

Work to correct Phuket’s ‘improper’ temple erections hits halfway mark

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "I believe Improper temple erections once opened for Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys.")

EUROPE IN CRISIS

52 baboons escape enclosure at Paris zoo

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "Actually,  they were released after producing their valid Florida driver's licenses." Also Michael Parry, who says "The French Government has unconditionally surrendered." Also Alkali Bill and Drew, both of whom claim they saw 52 Baboons open for the Monkees. Also Allen at Division, who saw Mass Baboon Breakout open for Devo. Also Roberto, W. von Papineau and The Perts.)

HEY, IT'S 2018

Shock as rare 'male' vulture lays an egg at wildlife sanctuary

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

US? NO.

Would you buy a £39 VAGINA highlighter?

(Thanks to Roberto)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

With self-parking slippers, Nissan drives hospitality to a new level

(Thanks to Ralph, who says "These are times that try men's soles.")

THE ONE AFTER THAT WILL BE EARLOBE ENHANCEMENT

Is earlobe reduction surgery the next big beauty fad?

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

JESUS WILL BE ISSUED A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Tennessee man flips car five times after letting ‘Jesus take the wheel’

(Thanks to Dale Hartley and Rick Day)

'UNDER A COAT'

One in 10 travelers has sex in an airport, survey finds

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WE FAVOR THE DEATH PENALTY

Under California bill, waiters could get jail time for giving out unsolicited plastic straws

(Thanks to KJP)

THIS IS A GATEWAY TO HEROIN

Wisconsin Assembly passes bill legalizing lemonade stands

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

TRAFFIC ADVISORY:

Truck hauling 4 elephants stalls, blocking Oklahoma highway

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Car crash covers highway in money

(Thanks to Steve K.)

OOPS

Lawyer: Hotel valet gave his $300,000 Ferrari to wrong man

(Thanks to funny man)

TO EVERY PARENT WHO ALWAYS SECRETLY THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING A LITTLE CREEPY ABOUT BARNEY:

Ahem.

(Thanks to GJ and James Flynn)

TACO BELL NEWS ROUNDUP

Alabama residents hold candlelight vigil for Taco Bell that burned down

(Thanks to Le Petomane, Not My Usual Alias, Al Barkafski, Michael Parry and funny man)

Angry fast-food worker beans supervisor with burrito

(Thanks to tmpsinc, Le Petomane, Al Barkafski, Jane Linderman and Steve K.)

This been today's Taco Bell News Roundup.

WE'RE NOT SAYING THIS. WAKA FLOCKA IS SAYING THIS.

Waka Flocka is done being vegan because they are ‘like the f--king cops’

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THIS IS NOT THE ONION

Hawaii governor took 15 minutes to correct false nuclear missile alert because he FORGOT his Twitter username and password

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

GUYS NAMED BOB IN ACTION

California city removes mysterious 'Bob's House' road sign

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND WE WANT IT BACK

1.7-Billion-Year-Old Chunk of North America Found Sticking to Australia

(Thanks to gahick)