Dave Barry's Blog

OOPS

A Colorado man landed in jail after offering to trade illegal homegrown marijuana for an SUV listed on Craigslist — a vehicle that happened to be owned by a sheriff.

(Thanks to Bill Carver)

'THERE'S THOUSANDS OF HERRING ALL OVER THE ROAD AREA'

Truck flips, causing massive fish spill on Route 480

(Thanks to William Price)

'I CANNOT RUN FAST'

Man with world’s largest penis is now registered disabled

NSFW

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and Michael Parry)

OH THE HUMANITY, DUDE

4 million joints-worth of cannabis burned to generate heat for Munich homes

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

AND IN SPORTS

Someone stole Charlie Villanueva's toilet

(Thanks to Steve K, who says "BOLO, and yes, the police have nothing to go on.")

FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS

Beetle genitals could hold key to better medical tools

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez, who saw them open for Foghat) (Also thanks to Ralph)

IF IT'S NOT ONE THING, IT'S ANOTHER

Loud orgies of Mexican fish could deafen dolphins, say scientists

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Patty Villanova)

We saw LOOMF open for the Carpenters.

 

MIAMI DINING REPORT

A live rodent was floating in a restaurant sink. Others pooped all over the place

This has been your Miami Dining Report.

(Thanks to John W)

TENSION CONTINUES TO MOUNT IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

4:01 p.m. A local resident called police because someone had lied on their online dating profile.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts and Roberto)

DEFINITELY COOLER THAN A LAWN FLAMINGO

House with 25ft shark in the roof to be made national treasure

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

"Yes. All New Zealanders do in fact f**k sheep," her phone's Google Assistant app said out loud.

(Thanks to Ralph)

ATTENTION, DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL COMMITTEE

Once again, "123456" is the worst password of the year, followed by "password."

(Thanks to The Perts)

WHERE THE FUN NEVER STOPS BEING FUN

Women brawl in front of kids party at Chuck E. Cheese’s

(Thanks to Le Petomane, Ranald Adams, Michael Moyer, Chris Elzi and Al Barkafski)

Mom pepper sprays grandmother at Metairie Chuck E. Cheese's birthday party

(Thanks to bayou girl)

*BAD* KAI

Woman's missing false teeth found in 'guilty-looking' pet dog

(Thanks to Ralph)

LIKE WE GIVE A CRAP

Miami ranked among ‘least caring’ cities in America

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet)

WHATEVER IT IS, YOU KNOW IT WON'T BE COVERED BY YOUR HOMEOWNER'S INSURANCE

A Mysterious Blob of Hot Rock Is Building Up Under America's Northeast

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston and coscolo)

 

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Woman accused of assaulting customer with roll of wrapping paper at Plaistow Dollar Tree

(Thanks to Poker)

AND YOU THOUGHT 2017 COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE

Robots and humans CAN make babies creating new hybrid species

(Thanks to al Barkafski and Allen at Division)

WE'RE GONNA NEED MORE DORITOS

Massachusetts marijuana aficionados have rolled a 100-foot-long (30.48-meter) joint.

(Thanks to the Louisiana Bureau, D Shey and Le Petomane)

 

SPORTS GUYS IN ACTION

The tailgating before Sunday's Bills-Dolphins game was so intense, one guy lit himself on fire

Note that he's a Buffalo fan.

HO HO HO

So one of our neighbors has a yard display featuring three traditional Christmas figures: a bear, Frosty the Snowperson and a Star Wars walker weapon. It's quite festive until...

...you look to the left and see what the Star Wars weapon is shooting at:

 

HEY, IT'S 2017

Scientists Say Japanese Monkeys Are Having 'Sexual Interactions' With Deer

(Thanks to Patty Villanova, Steve K., D Shey and A.C.)

'CONSIDERED SLEEPWEAR'

An airline lounge denied this woman access because she was wearing Uggs

(Thanks to Ralph)

Who sleeps in Uggs?

AW

A ghoulish holiday tradition outside of Cincinnati will soon come to a close after an Ohio man said he won't put up his "zombie Nativity" scene after this year.

(Thanks to The Perts)

BUT NOT NECESSARILY A *GOOD* THING

Eyebrows decorated like Christmas trees are now a thing

(Thanks to Roberto and fractalist)

NO DOUBT HEADED FOR FLORIDA

Two men are rescued from the roof of their car after they blindly followed their sat nav into three feet of icy water

(Thanks to Roberto)

TASTEFUL

'I will eat mum on Christmas day': Grieving daughter to sprinkle mother's ashes on turkey and pudding dinner

(Thanks to D Shey)

GUYS IN ACTION

Car crashes after occupants take turns pulling emergency brake on freeway

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

'CHESTER! I KNOW WHAT IT WAS!'

Calgary man sees Nativity scene inside his Kielbasa Wellington

(Thanks to Ralph)

STAND TALL, XIANGNIAN FOOD CO.

Noodle measuring nearly 2 miles long breaks Guinness record

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

THAT EXPLAINS THE SCREECHING

Mechanic performing oil change finds owl under car’s hood in Salem

(Thanks to Ralph, who says "not firing on owl cylinders.")

THE BATTLE FOR BABY JESUS

Sheep, Mary tussle over baby Jesus in children's pageant gone hilariously awry

(Thanks to L. Raymond)

The video at the link didn't work for us, but the Facebook video linked in the story did.

MEANWHILE IN GOLF

A pensioner was filmed running after a cockerel with a driver on his 65th birthday in an incident that could only be described as bizarre.

(Thanks to Ralph)

ALWAYS EXCELLENT

The funniest animals from the 2017 Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards

(Thanks to The Perts)

FLORIDA DEMANDS A RECOUNT

Best and Worst Drivers by State 2017

(Thanks to Moe Money)

KNOWN BY WHOM?

Scientists Find Earliest Known Penis

(Thanks to funny man, "who didn't know it was missing.")

THE GOOD NEWS: HE PROBABLY WON'T REMEMBER

Man arrested after urinating on £70 worth of Pot Noodles

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THAT'S THE POINT

Even Small Amounts of Alcohol Impair Memory

(Thanks to Wiredog)

IN THAT CASE SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Oregon man claims Taylor Swift told him to stab stranger

(Thanks to Steve K. who says "He does seem like her type.")

AND ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT BRIDGE IS FLORIDA

Man rescued after driving into river, Ohio police say he thought there was a bridge there

(Thanks to Bill Carver)

CSI: WEST VIRGINIA

Jealous Boyfriend Set Strip Joint Fire

(Thanks to James Flynn)

'ON SUSPICION OF DRUNK DRIVING'

Driver arrested after Mercedes ends up wedged upright in London street

(Thanks to Nigel Grout)

GUYS IN ACTION

Man demonstrates how to fell tree with a shotgun

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

'SOME IN JEDI COSTUME'

‘Star Wars’ Fans Storm Theater Lobby Over Lack Of Sound During ‘Last Jedi’

A FEEL-GOOD STORY FROM PHATTHALUNG PROVINCE

A group of villagers in Thailand banded together to rescue a massive 450-pound catfish that became stranded in a swamp after flooding in the area.

They transported it in a motorcycle sidecar.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE'RE WITH IT

Rude tit swoops in and steals squirrel’s nut

(Thanks to Ralph)

LOOKING FOR A UNIQUE HOLIDAY GIFT?

Look no farther.

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Unholy Slacker)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Star Wars lettuce.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

FIRST THE POOPING BOMB DOG AT MIDWAY, AND NOW THIS

Two polar bears chased off runway in Utqiagvik

(Thanks to Jane from Kenai)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

8:46 a.m. A Martin City woman called 911 and said, “You’ll never help me.” Then she went on and listed her grievances.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)