Dave Barry's Blog

DEAR BLOG COMMUNITY:

Thanks for visiting this year. Without you guys, this blog would not exist. That's right: IT'S YOUR FAULT. But have a happy new year anyway, OK?

HE HAD HIS REASONS

Man arrested for attacking worker in penguin costume

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

'IT WAS GOIN' DOWN UP IN THERE'

Christmas Day brawl trashes North Carolina Waffle House

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

GUYS IN ACTION

Guy gets his penis stuck ‘jumping over Tube station barriers’

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Russian Artist Makes Huge Sculptures Out Of Animal Farm Poo, Villagers Love it

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WENT REALLY WELL

Woman ruined $300K worth of art on date with lawyer

Name We Are Not Making Fun Of, As That Would Violate Our Strict Policy: "Lindy Lou Layman"

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

OH THE HUMANITY

About 40,000 pounds of avocados spilled across Interstate 35E south of Waxahachie Thursday afternoon when the big rig hauling them crashed and caught fire.

(Thanks to Jon Harris, who says "Hipster tragedy.")

FLORIDA DRIVER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Polk woman charged with DUI on horse allowed supervised visits

(Thanks to Noah Spicker)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Drunken Family Dispute Ends With Ear Being Bitten Off

(Thanks to Jon Harris and Al Barkafski)

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN

Doctor insists man with the world’s longest todger is cheating because he stretches his foreskin

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

CSI: YORK, PA

Red Lion man pokes sister with meat fork in buttocks on Christmas, cops say

(Thanks to The Fourth George)

MY REVIEW OF 2017

A Turd of a Year

ATTENTION, MEN:

Do not click here.

Also do not read past this colon: The man was holding his severed testicle in a rice bowl when ambulance arrived

(Thanks to Michael Moyer)

IN MIAMI THIS WOULD BE A LEGAL TRAFFIC SIGNAL

Driver mistook monkey's red backside for traffic light

(Thanks to funny man)

CANADA: A NATION DESCENDING INTO CHAOS

$30,000 Worth of Veal Stolen in Toronto on Christmas Day

(Thanks to Noah Spicker)

THE NUMBER ONE TERRORISM TARGET

Security set for Idaho Potato Drop

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

THIS JUST IN

Enormous penis pops up in NYC

(Thanks to Catherine DeLorey and Emily, Leslie and w)

TEACHING GRANDSON DYLAN TO DRIVE

He's already better than 80 percent of the people on the roads of Miami.

A HERO TO AIR TRAVELERS EVERYWHERE

The wait was so long for luggage to be returned at Aberdeen International Airport that, one passenger claimed, a man took matters into his own hands, and tried to crawl through the carousel conveyor belt door in an attempt to get his bag.

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

A VASE WAS ALLEGEDLY INVOLVED

Officers answering a call about a nude man inside a Kangaroo Express convenience store about 4:15 a.m. learned he had been robbed, according to the Gainesville Police Department.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

THE POLICE TRIED TO DESTROY IT WITH EXPLOSIVES, BUT THEY DID NO DAMAGE

Fruitcake wrapped in suspicious package temporarily halts Seattle ferry

(Thanks to Craig Roberts, Jim Kenaston, Mark Buckley and Le Petomane, who says "Those terrorist bastards.")

CANADA: LAND OF EXCITEMENT

The eternal Canadian quest for the perfect snow shovel

(Thanks to The Perts)

TIME TO TURN OFF THOSE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

A Pennsylvania woman says she went online to check her electric bill and was stunned at the amount — more than $284 billion.

(Thanks to Ralph, Another Ralph, The Perts, Ranald Adams and Steve K)

CHRISTMAS IN MIAMI

On Christmas Day we went to the most Miami place in all of Miami, at least during the holiday season: Santa's Enchanted Forest. Here's a column I wrote about it a few years ago. And here are some pictures from yesterday, to give you a sense of how festive and traditional it is.

Nothing says the holidays like the woman with the body of a snake.

Here's Santa fighting his traditional light-saber duel with Darth Vader.

And here I am with a different Santa, who looks like he's on his way out to sea to meet his a cocaine shipment.

IT WAS TOTALLY ASKING FOR IT

Florida man beats ATM, says it gave too much cash

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Steve K.)

DEAR BLOG FOLKS:

JOY TO THE WORLD

PABST IS SELLING 99-CAN CASES OF BEER FOR THE HOLIDAYS

(Thanks to Ralph)

OUR VERSION IS CALLED BLACK FRIDAY

DECEMBER 25 IS COMMEMORATED AS a day of peace for many cultures across the globe, but in the Peruvian province of Chumbivilcas, the day doubles as Takanakuy, a festive fistfight between neighbors.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

BUT YOU KNOW THE BRAZILIAN SQUIRRELS GAVE THE ORDER

Bees attack Brazilian cops in sting gone wrong

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER DUDES?

Drug dealer carrying 1000 joints arrested after sitting in police car he thought was a taxi

(Thanks to Rick Day, Patty Villanova and Alberto Mengoni)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEARRRRRGGHHH

Our sophisticated cousins in England observe Mad Friday in traditional fashion.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

JUST WHEN YOU THINK POLITICS COULD NOT GET ANY WEIRDER

...this happens.

(Thanks to Roberto, who says "He gets my vote, sorry Dave nothing personal, but his platform is exactly what I want.")

THIS IS PRECISELY WHY WE HAVE 911

Restaurant Customer Calls 911 Because Clams were “So Small”

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, who says "I guess he'll wind up in court, small clams court!")

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

She used an officer’s arm to make herself happy after being arrested, police say

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

UPDATE

Connecticut State Police Bloodhound Found Safe

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and Nicholas Read)

'YOU'LL BLEED OUT BEFORE ANY HELP ARRIVES'

Lowell police urge shovel-wielding residents not to challenge snowplows

(Thanks to Ralph)

WOOF, DUDE

Could medical marijuana help your dog?

WHEN ROMANTIC GESTURES GO WRONG

It seems as though he was trying to put a sex toy in his pants to surprise his wife, according to the police.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

GUYS WHO WILL DEEPLY REGRET IT WHEN THEY SOBER UP IN ACTION

Drunken sports fan slides down London escalator chute in cringe-worthy viral video

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Jeff Meyerson)

BOLO

The man was found but now police and firefighters are looking for the search dog.

(Thanks to Nick, who says "Release the hounds!")

AUSTRALIAN TRAFFIC UPDATE

Koalas hold up traffic with vicious wrestling match

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

MIAMI POLITICS: NOT LIKE YOUR POLITICS

Miami Beach Commissioner Tried to Stop Cops From Arresting Campaign Donor Accused of Machete Spree, Emails Show

(Thanks to L. Raymond)

O CANADUDES!

Canada spends as much on marijuana as wine

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

SEVENTH INNING STRETCH

Darryl Strawberry ‘would go between innings’ to MLB clubhouse to have sex with women

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Steve K)

THERE'S HOPE FOR THESE KIDS AFTER ALL

There was so much booze in the air at a frat party that it registered on cops' Breathalyzer

(Thanks to Bill Carver, Another Ralph, Al Barkafski, Le Petomane and coscolo)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Framingham, Mass. woman tries to shoplift during ‘Shop with a Cop’ event, police say

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

FIRST THE HERRING DISASTER, AND NOW THIS

Truck full of lobster in ditch closes Highway 103

(Thanks to The Perts)

THIS HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN

A 36-year-old Staten Island man who claims to have had a lifelong phobia of the Tasmanian Devil cartoon is accusing his wealthy father-in-law of making his life hell by menacing him with a bushy toupee that looks like the manic children’s character.

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Patty Villanova)

GOOD CALL

Amazon pulls DIY circumcision ‘training’ kit

(Thanks to Dave Roe)

DUDES

Elderly couple busted with 60 pounds of marijuana worth $336,000 in their pickup that they planned to 'give as Christmas gifts'

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)