Dave Barry's Blog

TENSION MOUNTS IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

3:02 p.m. A Kalispell woman was talking to her daughter about safety and was showing her the number for 911. As part of her demonstration, she accidentally called 911.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Man, 62, is arrested after wandering around a Michigan gas station covered in blood he claimed was Santa's and holding a lump of meat

(Thanks to Geoff, who says "Oh ya better watch out....")

AS OPPOSED TO RESEARCHERS

Guppy fish have personalities, say researchers

(Thanks to Nelson from Michigan)

RIGHT AWAY, SIR

Man calls 911 during police chase, asks for Donald Trump

You know the state.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

'I'M HERE,' HE ANNOUNCED

DUI lawyer is busted for drugs after barging into stranger’s home in high heels, no pants

In Florida, this would qualify him or a judgeship.

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "He's gonna need a good lawyer.")

THE SMELLY SKIES

A PLANE passenger was booted off a flight because her rowdy emotional support PIG caused mayhem on board.

(Thanks to Patty Villanova and John Criswell)

NAME THAT CONTINENT

Ever wanted to see millions and millions of ruby-red crabs scuttling out of the forest and into the ocean?

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Santa Claus is busted with a crack pipe

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

O COME LET US ADORE.... HUH?

Greggs has apologised for replacing baby Jesus with a sausage roll

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Titusville man holds stuffed Teddy bear hostage, then chokes his girlfriend, police say

Argument over pizza leads to stabbing in Melbourne, police say

Villager dressed in turkey costume arrested in theft of merchandise at Belk

Christmas tree topper used as weapon in St. Lucie County

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

D.U.I.B.

Dunedin motorist caught playing bagpipes while driving

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Deputies said the man couldn't remember where he parked his car and figured they would get there faster if he said he was carjacked.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

'LET'S GO PHOENICES!'

Davis School District Parents petition to change school's 'crass' sounding mascot

(Thanks to Kevin Smith and Ralph)

MEOW, DUDE

Woman comes home to find her cats sprawled on floor after marijuana binge

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

CZECH GUYS IN ACTION

Six Czech tourists who dressed up as Borat have been arrested in Kazakhstan for wearing nothing but mankinis.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

THE OUTLOOK

It's not good.

(Thanks to tmpsinc)

HE NAMED IT 'SAUL'

Man Sets World Record For Largest Ball Of Stickers

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WE MIGHT AS WELL SHRED THE DAMN CONSTITUTION

A protester whose breasts were covered only by body paint was unable to persuade a federal appeals court that her First Amendment and equal-protection rights were likely violated when she was fined for violating Chicago’s public nudity law.

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

 

'AUTO-BREWERY SYNDROME'

Former soldier gets drunk on FOOD as bizarre condition means his stomach turns carbs into booze

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN

One of world’s most prominent Scrabble players banned temporarily for cheating

(Thanks to wiredog)

RUMBLE!

Cops from Detroit's 12th Precinct were posing as drug dealers to ensnare buyers. But they were approached by more undercover officers from the 11th Precinct.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

AT LEAST THE LINES ARE SHORTER

Tourists looking for theme park end up at waste incinerator

(Thanks to Ralph)

INCREDIBLY, THEY DO NOT LIVE IN AUSTRALIA

These crabs can grow up to 3 feet - and hunt birds, a biologist's video proves

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes)

TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE

Man Tells Police He Was Meeting DEA On Rooftop In Vero Beach

(Thanks to John Mayson)

FASHION ALERT

Stove Top Thanksgiving Dinner Pants

(Thanks to Clayton Carroll)

IN FLORIDA YOU CAN USE AN ACTUAL PIZZA

Police: License Plate Made From Pizza Box Doesn't Fly in Massachusetts

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Related: Painting your vehicle registration tabs doesn't work

(Thanks to B'Game)

DATELINE BUKITTINGGI

Sleeping shopkeeper is rudely awoken and pulls out a SWORD when a bungling thief drops the cash register while trying to steal it

(Thanks to Roberto)

IMAGINE THE SHRINKAGE

Naked scientists race around the pole in the frigid cold to try to join Antarctica's exclusive 300 Club.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

CANADA: LAND OF EXCITEMENT

Watch a 24-hour live stream of spinning donair meat

(Thanks to The Perts)

AND 100 PERCENT OF GUYS

Majority Of Americans Would Skip Holiday Gift-Giving, Survey Says

THIS JUST IN FROM JAPAN

“How did this design ever make it past the approval process?”

(Thanks to Ralph)

OF COURSE THE CHANCE OF SEX IS ALSO PRETTY RARE

...the chance of sex triggering a cardiac arrest in older men and women is exceedingly rare, according to the first study to examine the link between sudden death and sex.

(Thanks to The Perts)

WRONG! YOU CAN HAVE ANOTHER BEER.

Your house is a gigantic bug habitat, and there's nothing you can do about it

(Thanks to The Perts)

IN MIAMI WE CALL THIS 'TUESDAY'

Missouri Town Overwhelmed by People Running Wild, Stripping Naked and Barking

(Thanks to Ralph)

ALERT STATUS: HIGH

Purists alarmed over moves to make French less macho

(Thanks to coscolo)

LEGAL TACTIC OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Police: Suspect’s overwhelming gas shuts down interrogation

(Thanks to VincentG)

YO, SISTER DUDE

Nuns in Merced, California spend their days tending and smoking marijuana

(Thanks to Geoff)

NO, IT'S NOT

Matching pyjamas for you and your dog is a thing now

(Thanks to Ralph)

'BEST COUNTARY CANADA. BEST WOMANS.'

Some Facebook users have been mistaking Canada’s Status of Women ministry for a dating service offering Canadian wives, according to the government.

(Thanks to Ralph)

HE WAS MOWING U.S. HIGHWAY 1

Florida man charged with DUI while riding lawn mower

(Thanks to DaninDallas, Another Ralph and John Lobert)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR BON JOVI

Put your hands together for the Sex Clams.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko and Roberto)

YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?

Two women in Indiana wanted their McNuggets so badly that they reportedly lunged through the drive-thru window and attacked a manager to get them.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Horace LaBadie, Roberto and Veee)

NAME THAT STATE!

A naked man ran through the home of an 82-year-old woman, stopping to try on her clothing, according to police.

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Jeff Schneider)

'THERE'S JUST NO WAY I WOULD GIVE HER UP'

Florida condo board seeks to evict tenant over emotional support squirrel

(Thanks to Robert Harvey, PirateBoy and Ron G)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER ETC.

'Monster' alligator captured in Florida garage

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

IN MIAMI...

...we call this "fitting in to a tight parking spot."

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says: "His Florida license was lowered into the ditch. The judges gave him a 6.0 on the landing.")

'FITNESS FANATIC'

A fitness fanatic was rushed to hospital after getting his penis stuck in a hole in a weight.

...It is not known how exactly the man managed to get his penis stuck in the plate.

Because it could easily happen accidentally.

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW

How much poop can one Canada goose poop in one day?

(Thanks to Ralph)

GUYS IN ACTION

Man wins surprise pork industry award after tireless reviews of bacon sandwiches

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

VETERANS DAY

Thank you, vets. And thanks to your families.