IT COMES WITH A TINY DRIVER'S LICENSE

Florida radio station holds a 'Win a Baby' contest

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Comments

[AmoebaStampede]

Do they get the baby all at once or is it paid out as a one-body-part-per-month annuity?

[FredKey]

No thanks, I bought a turkey already.

[Not My Usual Alias]

I have friends and theologians with varying perspectives on this.

Is it too soon to compare radio silence and a pregnant pause?

[nursecindy]

WARNING! Babies eventually turn into teenagers.

[ImNotDave]

@ nursecindy - Appendum: Worst yet they may grow up to be accounts or, dare I say it, LAWYERS!

[Jeff Meyerson]

Kardashians all started out as babies, so be warned!

[nursecindyfanclub]

Q. Mommy, where did I come from?
A. The Big Frog 104 FM.

[wanderer2575]

Do they award the actual baby? Or just a starter seed kit (iykwim), like a Chia Pet?

[Le Petomane]

To assure the baby turns out to be a beautiful, intelligent and all around wonderful human being, sign up now to assure the little child receives a box every month of Jim Bakker's Holy Pancake Mix. It will keep for an eternity.

[Stixnstonz]

NC - Speaking of teenagers, I have two that I would be willing to trade. They would be excellent as reference sources, as they know everything. I even have the original receipts. Contact me at BR549.

[wanderer2575]

Another teenager story: When the Internal Revenue Service denied two of the deductions Bob Mullen claimed on his 1994 income tax return, he wrote back to give details of his children and ask which of the two the IRS would be taking off his hands.

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 federal tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive.

It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year, they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school.

Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to teach her the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion and ignoring us, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were toilet-papering houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone, and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately, you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the school has dropped it. But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two). so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her "R"s. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room, and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two; I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly,
Bob Mullen

(The IRS reinstated the deductions.)

[nursecindy]

wanderer2575 that made me day!

[nursecindy]

I meant to say, it made my day. My middle child, a daughter who is now grown, frequently cites she is a victim of "Middle Child Syndrome". In other words we paid her siblings a lot more attention than we paid her. The guards at Levenworth don't pay as much attention to their prisoners as we paid to this kid. This one was, and still is, my drama queen. All of her conversations always start out with, "You won't believe what happened". I've always thought kids should come with a sound track. Her's would be the dramatic organ music from a soap opera. Now that she's older I'm down to only one blood pressure pill a day.

[funny man]

Nursecindy,

It is OKAY if you wish to talk like a pirate. We love you anyway!

Right about the teenagers. Anyone who takes a free baby had better SERIOUSLY consider that!

But radio prizes of children who need homes might actually work. Adopt-A-Radio-baby?

[oneblankspace]

umm... a man named Big Mama... that might be part of why they needed IVF in the first place

[ChrisinVA]

None of my 7 babies were "won". They all came about by the use of expensive vacations, writing romantic poems, bringing home flowers "just because", and other romantic things that most men never imagined themselves doing when they were younger.