Dave Barry's Blog

ALWAYS A SHREWD LEGAL MOVE

A crazed woman shouted 'if you can't beat them, eat them,' after biting an officer outside a police station in Ireland.

(Thanks to Roberto)

CLASSY

Burglar steals dead man’s clothes in Kentucky funeral home

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

IN THAT CASE, SIR....

Vero Beach Man Tells Police: “I’m not going to fight you, I’m drunk”

(Thanks to John Mayson)

NEWS YOU CAN USE

How to make your way out of a coffin if you were buried alive

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias, who says "I like the idea of hoping for a cheap coffin.")

PEOPLE OF NORTH ALABAMA:

I'll be speaking tonight at the University of North Alabama in Florence. It's part of their Distinguished Events Series, but evidently they ran out of distinguished events and so they invited me. Come on out! It's free, and will totally be worth it.

THE LAST DRAWER YOU WANT TO FIND IT IN

Catcher removes deadly snake from resident's underwear drawer

You know the country.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

CSI: MANITOBA

Police were called to a store on 18th St. N on Friday at about 5:20 p.m. Officers found a man wandering the floor in a pig costume he had stolen from the store and decided to don.

(Thanks to The Perts)

ONLY 17 TRILLION TO GO

Mayor of New Orleans: 3 aggressive squirrels 'have been apprehended'

(Thanks to Ralph)

Update: Curiously bold squirrel climbs man's leg in New Orleans

They are undeterred.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

NOT AT ALL!

Woman removes six ribs to look like Wonder Woman and declares: ‘I don’t do this for vanity’

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

TO 'PROMOTE GOOD LUCK'

Wat Bang Khun Thien Nok in Bangkok has stirred controversy as the temple has installed statues of an imaginary creature with wings, the body of a tiger and a phallus for a head

(Thanks to Phil "Swash Buckler" McAvity)

THE BLOG BE QUOTED IN THIS ARRRRRTICLE

Arrr! Fake holidays the likes of Talk Like a Pirate Day are old as me peg leg, savvy?

'IT'S UNCHARTED TERRITORY FOR ME'

The Colorado Springs family has spent weeks trying to get a mystery woman they've dubbed "The Mad Pooper" to stop defecating in their neighborhood, right outside their house.

(Thanks to Steve Thompson)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Police rescue angry swan after 'road rage incident' in Cambridgeshire

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

NEW ZEALAND STARRRRTED EARLY

The international Talk Like a Pirate Day is held on September 19 every year – but a growing group of pirate enthusiasts have decided to jump the gun and celebrate it earlier with a pub crawl in New Plymouth on the closest Saturday to the day.

TODAY BE THE DAY, ME HEARTIES

Arrrr

GUYS IN ACTION

Man tries to eat rattlesnake; snake bites back

(Thanks to coscolo and Le Petomane)

Man wears clown mask to scare daughter, gunshot is fired

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

'THERE MUST BE SOMETHING BEHIND THIS STORY'

Swiss prosecutors are trying to figure out why someone apparently attempted to flush tens of thousands of euros down the toilet at a Geneva branch of UBS Group AG.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

FIRST IRMA, AND NOW THIS

Is the end of the world on September 23?

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet)

'IT'S REALLY HARD IN CHINA'

Chinese sex doll rental service suspended amid controversy

(Thanks to Howard from Broward)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAA

A Gainesville woman was arrested Tuesday after assaulting another woman in an attempt to “take back” her hair and uterus, Gainesville Police said.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Navy's Most Advanced Subs Will Soon Use Xbox Controllers

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

TOTALLY WORTH IT, DUDE

Canadian man, 31, stands outside courthouse in just his underwear for a MONTH demanding police return his bong and marijuana - and it works!

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS

Researchers Can Now Make Alcohol Out of Air

(Thanks to Thayer Conrad)

SHE ALSO ENDORSES PORRIDGE

108-Year-Old Woman Claims Avoiding Men Is The Secret To A Long Life

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

IN HIS DEFENSE: HE WAS WEARING A HELMET

Naked German masturbating whilst riding unicycle in Pattaya

(Thanks to Ralph)

'CHORUS OF THE DAVE'

A neural network learns to create better D&D spells

And it has invented the name “Dave” which is now, for some reason, its favorite.

(Thanks to Steve Thompson)

AUSTRALIAAAAAAAAAA

Venomous brown snake found living in family's toilet

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

YOU CAN TAKE FLORIDIANS OUT OF FLORIDA, BUT...

Two Floridians accidentally drove their car into a hotel pool after they fled the state ahead of Hurricane Irma, WSB-TV reports.

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

NO, THIS DOES NOT REFER TO CONGRESS

A museum of blood-sucking nightmares: the US National Tick Collection

(Thanks to Steve K)

WORKOUT ROUTINE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

A German man whose penis became stuck in the hole of a 2.5 kilogram gym weight plate needed the help of the fire brigade and their power tools to remove it.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts and Ralph)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE DOORS

In Ancient Rome flaming war pigs were used to counter elephants

(Thanks to Chris Johnson)

OR, AUSTRALIAN

Aussie in his undies who pulls a beached GREAT WHITE shark back into the sea by its tail is either really brave... or really stupid

In his defense, the shark is not really all that GREAT.

(Thanks to Geoff)

'HELP YOU AT THAT TIME TO USE BEAR BIG'

Officials in Manatee County, Florida are under fire after an interpreter for the deaf warned about pizza and monsters during an emergency briefing related to Hurricane Irma.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

ATTENTION, MORONS

Aspen police: Don’t take selfies with bears

(Thanks to Ralph)

CSI: HAWAII

3 women attempt to steal 18 cases of Spam

(Thanks to Ralph)

GUYS IN ACTION, II

Man and cat vs. rat.

(Thanks to Roberto)

KENOSHA TRAFFIC REPORT

“I think we’ve got a kangaroo in the road.”

This has been your Kenosha Traffic Report.

(Thanks to coscolo)

WE'RE GONNA NEED MORE TARTAR SAUCE

Monstrous 1-ton ocean sunfish caught in Russia's far east

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "Texas has bigger sunfish.")

GUYS IN ACTION

Good Ol' Boys Drive Truck Through Water So Deep It Pours In Cabin Over The Hood

We cannot figure out how that truck keeps going. Maybe it's running on moonshine.

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "Late for their Mensa meeting.")

OLDER GUYS IN ACTION

Ryanair passenger chokes out disruptive flyer, whole plane cheers

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez)

FULL SERVICE

“Get Your Fix Automotive” provided auto repair, illegal drugs, authorities say

Seriously? "Get Your Fix?"

(Thanks to coscolo)

THESE KIDS TODAY

Trojan sales drop blamed on 'distracted' Millennials

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

POSSIBLE FUTURE DENNY'S MASCOTS

Animated genitals spread chlamydia awareness in Sweden

(Thanks to Dave Roe and Le Petomane)

We saw Animated Genitals open for Pearl Jam.

MARKETING TRIUMPH OF THE WEEK SO FAR

People Think That New Denny’s Mascot Looks Like Poop

You be the judge:

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

WE WANT TO SEE THE GUYS WHO DID THIS STUDY

Bald Men Perceived As More Attractive, Dominant, Study Says

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

WHICH CAN ALSO BE DANGEROUS

Terrifying lizard turns out to be dirty clothing

(Thanks to Ralph)

Update: Here's an article with a photo of the beast.

(Thanks to Jan in Grmsby)

NAME THAT STATE!

Man unaware of drugs in his pants says trousers were borrowed

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "In that case, sir...")

HE HAS THIS BLOG'S ENDORSEMENT

A South Carolina mayor was stopped by police after they found him driving a lawn mower down the middle of the road with an open beer.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GUYS IN ACTION

Two drivers brawl in Lincoln Tunnel after one spray-paints penis onto the other’s truck

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Ralph and Al Barkafski)

EMERGENCY NEEDS LIKE THIS ARE EXACTLY WHY WE HAVE COUNTY GOVERNMENTS

A former administrative assistant to an Arkansas county official has pleaded guilty to fraudulent use of a credit card after prosecutors accused her of using public money to buy personal items, including a tuxedo for her pet pug.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)