Dave Barry's Blog

OOPS

African Soccer Star Thanks Wife …And Girlfriend… After Match

(Thanks to D Shey)

Update: Apparently this had already been blogged. Judi will of course be fired.

RUMMAGING AROUND IN A WHAT?

Dog walker is forced to chase his pet Labrador-cross around a field after it found a sex toy while rummaging around in a bush

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

OFFICIALS NOTICED 'SUSPICIOUS MOVEMENTS'

Sri Lankan arrested for trying to smuggle 1kg of gold in his rectum

(Thanks to DaninDallas, Philster, Chris Elzi and Barry Nester)

MAYBE THEY COULD EXERCISE ON THE TOILET?

People spend more time sitting on the toilet each week than exercising, study finds

(Thanks to Patty Villanova, Le Petomane and Michael Moyer)

SPORTS UPDATE

Unfortunately our strict policy against making fun of names prohibits us from bringing you the Sports Update.

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

EW

Someone made a candy corn pizza and the Internet is unhappy

(Thanks to [appropriately enough] Ralph)

WE SAW THE UDP OPEN FOR BLACK SABBATH

Washington State University is acquiring the necessary approvals to test equipment to compost human remains at one of its facilities in what is bluntly being called the Urban Death Project.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON

In an effort to find the rats new homes, the SPCA is trying something new: a "rat-a-thon".

(Thanks to The Perts)

THE KEY WAS A LARGE CORK

To save the planet, scientists figured out how to fix cow farts

(Thanks to David Emery)

IMAGINE WHAT ANCIENT SQUIRRELS WERE DOING

Ancient Frogs Might Have Eaten Dinosaurs

(Thanks to The Perts)

UPDATE ON THE SQUIRREL TAKEOVER

Now they're scoring touchdowns.

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck)

TOO HIGH, DUDES

Cannabis smokers 'incapable of walking' rescued from England's highest mountain

(Thanks to Patty Villanova and Le Petomane)

A 'SURRISINGLY LARGE' WAIST

Adolf Hitler’s underpants have been sold for £5,000 at an auction in the US

(Thanks to Ron Henzel)

OTHER THAN THAT IT WAS A LOVELY MEAL

Virginia woman bitten by copperhead snake inside a LongHorn Steakhouse

(Thanks to Steve K., who says "Her Yelp review said the fries weren't very good, either.")

AUSTRALIAN WILDLIFE REPORT

Giant goldfish discovery sparks warning not to flush

This has been the Australian Wildlife Report.

(Thanks to Ralph)

ALAS

Prince Harry NOT Pooped On By Bird In Africa, Despite Report

(Thanks to Alkali Bill)

ACTUAL SLOGAN: 'MAKE NEW ORLEANS FUN AGAIN'

New Orleans mayoral candidate Frank Scurlock accused of masturbating during Uber ride in California

(Thanks to Jon Harris and Jeff Meyerson)

WE'RE GONNA NEED MORE... NO, ON SECOND THOUGHT, WE'RE GOOD

Truck overturns in North Carolina, loses 44,000 pounds of vodka

(Thanks to Jon Harris and Ralph)

FRANKLY WE'RE A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED

Doomsday is not on Saturday after all

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

NAME THAT CONTINENT!

Deadly snake found slithering in couple's bed sheets

(Thanks to Jon Harris, who says "This happens to my wife all the time, ba dum bump​.")

HIS SECOND DAY ON THE JOB

Dump truck runs over worker inside of portable toilet

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who says "How was your day, dear?")

CANADA: LAND OF EXCITEMENT

For the past few weeks, every day at the same time, around 1 p.m. — like clockwork, a chicken has been crossing the road on Main Street in Shediac, N.B., to go to the Tim Hortons, and its escapades aren't going unnoticed.

The latest episode of the poutine wars occurred on Thursday, when the reaction to a picture of “buffalo wing poutine” forced the temporary closure of a Reddit thread.

(Thanks to The Perts)

YOU KNOW WHO GAVE THE ORDER

A hitchhiking raccoon hopped onto the hood of a Colorado Springs police officer’s large major accident van as he was driving to the scene of a car crash Wednesday night.

(Thanks to Ron Weil)

TWO FLORIDA LICENSES ARE ON THE WAY

Drunk man reportedly forced 8-year-old to chauffeur him around

In That Case, Sir, You Are Free To Go: WPXI reported that police attempted to administer a sobriety test, but Cook was allegedly too drunk to finish it. 

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Jon Harris)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

During the volley of words, the man reportedly used the word "bro." Investigators said the neighbor became irate about being called bro by the victim. He shot the man in his leg just before 2 a.m.

(Thanks to Dorkfish)

BECAUSE AIR TRAVEL WASN'T UNPLEASANT ENOUGH

‘Unusual substance’ found in soap dispensers at a Detroit airport believed to be man’s bodily fluid

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AT THE UNITED NATIONS WITH THE KING HE WAS

Saudi Textbook Withdrawn Over Image of Yoda With King

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

THAT'S NEARLY A TWO-WEEK SUPPLY FOR THIS BLOG'S HOUSEHOLD

Truck carrying 47,000 pounds of chocolate overturns

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

The thong is dead.

(Thanks to mezrap)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

Motorcyclist ticketed for wearing panda suit on highway

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

ADVISORY

Please Do Not Pet the Radioactive Puppies of Chernobyl

(Thanks to Ron Weil, who says "I saw Radioactive Puppies of Chernobyl open for REO Speedwagon.")

O CANADA, DUDE

Pot will be 'competitively priced' in Ontario: Gov't

(Thanks to The Perts)

An Ontario college is offering Canada's first ever post-graduate accreditation for growing weed.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

THOSE THINGS SHOULD NOT BE SOLD WITHOUT A COOLING-OFF PERIOD

Safeway employee beaten with baguette by Fremont man

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SPORTS UPDATE

Really, that wasn’t my dildo

This has been the Sports Update.

(Thanks to mezrap)

DOESN'T EVERYONE?

Why frogs turn yellow during group sex

(Thanks to Tembo Samadi)

ADVISORY

ATTENTION EVERYONE!!! For those of you driving on Chuckey Pike in Greene County: THIS IS A HALLOWEEN DECORATION! Do NOT call 911 reporting a dead body. Instead, congratulate the homeowner on a great display.

(Thanks to Alan Dean and Ralph)

NAME THAT CONTINENT!

Woman horrified to discover a patch of dew covering her backyard is actually a massive SPIDER invasion - and the webs are multiplying every day

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Vero Beach Man Asks Police To Punch Him “I Deserve It”

(Thanks to John Mayson)

CSI: GENEVA

People in Switzerland Want to Know Who Is Clogging Their Toilets With Wads of Cash

(Thanks to funny man)

TO THE BLOG FOLKS WHO ARE MEMBERS OF THE TRIBE (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE):

L'Shana Tova!

(A Hebrew expression meaning "May the new year be happy and free of squirrels.")

HE 'ALSO HAD A BELT AROUND HIS NECK'

A New Mexico man is facing charges after police say he randomly slapped a customer and then stole the man's green chile cheeseburger before dashing away.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

YET ANOTHER ARGUMENT FOR DRINKING BEER AT BREAKFAST

Experts say pumpkin spice addiction is a real thing

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

THIS IS OMINOUS

A crab with a strong will to live was filmed climbing out of a pot of heating water and switching off the hot plate to save its comrades.

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND IN OTHER MELON NEWS

An Odessa man has been arrested after allegedly assaulting his wife with a watermelon.

(Thanks to Dorkfish)

ATTENTION, PEOPLE OF NEW YORK:

Don’t Eat The Random Melons Growing In The Middle Of Amsterdam Avenue

The melons were planted by the “night salad manager” at the store.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

'SHE THEN REALIZED THAT SHE WAS OBSESSED WITH THAT PART OF HER BODY

Swedish woman grows buttocks 70 inches around

(Thanks to Ralph)

TODAY'S AMAZING DUCK FACT

It pays to hang out with the guys.

(Thanks to Art Silverman)

MIAMI TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

Hours After Hurricane Irma, Miami-Dade County Tickets Residents For Code Violations

(Thanks to Ranald Adams)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAA

Pasco man arrested for driving into person who set bananas on his car

Totally justified.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AND THEY ALL HAVE VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Scientists discover Octlantis, an underwater 'city' built entirely by octopuses where they flirt, mate and even have den evictions

(Thanks to Patty Villlanova)