Dave Barry's Blog

'SHY BUT LOVABLE'

SETX man hopes social media will help find wolf that's been missing since storm

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

ATTENTION, IDIOTS:

Don't tattoo your eyeball.

(Thanks to Steve K.)

Don't eat your placenta!

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

THIS BLOG HASN'T

We’ve Grossly Underestimated How Much Cow Farts Are Contributing to Global Warming

(Thanks to Doug Hamilton)

MAN'S BEST FRIEND

Man’s 8-Story Fall Cushioned By Port-A-Potty

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Chris Elzi, Another Ralph and Le Petomane)

SURE, BLAME THE SNAKE

SC man tries to shoot a snake. He hits his mother-in-law instead.

(Thanks to Vernon Bowen)

IN FRONT OF THE MONA LISA

Serial Paris art gallery 'flasher' to face trial after exposing herself at Louvre

Advisory: Flashing.

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

STANDING HIS GROUND

Man opens fire after mistaking blown transformers for gunshots

Guess the state.

(Thanks to G.H. Mercer)

BOLO

Wanted: Prosthetic eye lost by Daytona Beach surfer

(Thanks to G.H. Mercer)

FLORIDA DRIVER'S AND BOATER'S LICENSES ARE ON THE WAY

Maine firefighters say they had to rescue a New York couple who took a wrong turn and mistakenly drove into the Atlantic Ocean.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

AMERICA DODGES A BULLET

Customs officers seize $85,824 worth of counterfeit Barbies

(Thanks to Jon Harris and Bob Brogan)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Tom Cruise addresses fake butt speculation from Valkyrie

MEANWHILE DOWN UNDER

The Root Vegetable of the Week So Far

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

CANADA: SWEET LAND OF LIBERTY

Canada set to remove drunk canoeing as an impaired driving offence

(Thanks to Roberto)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Taco Bell Is Launching a Clothing Line with Forever 21

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

TOTO, WE'RE IN KANSAS

A witch-themed store opens in eastern Lawrence to serve a growing pagan population

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

'ON MY THIRD BEER'

Belligerent, topless soccer fan, 23, charged with 'indecent exposure' to 7-year-old boy

(Thanks to manual tomato)

GUYS IN ACTION

A sex doll was so heavily molested by eager men it broke before anyone could actually use it.

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Drinking beer can make you happy, researchers claim

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

COLLECTOR OF THE WEEK SO FAR

FBI SEIZES OVER 3,000 PENISES DURING RAID AT MORGUE EMPLOYEE’S HOME

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

WHICH HE SWALLOWED 40 YEARS AGO

'Lump' on man's lung was actually Playmobil toy

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

HORN TOOTING

From today's Roll Call:

Rep. Jeff Denham, R-Calif., will be featured on this week’s episode of the free children’s podcast “Book Club for Kids,” reading the book “The Worst Class Trip Ever.” Dave Barry’s book is about a school trip to Washington, D.C., gone wrong. Denham also shared his own favorite book with listeners: John Steinbeck’s “Of Mice and Men.”

CSI: FLATHEAD COUNTY

1:30 p.m. A Hungry Horse man caught a skunk. He now wanted advice on what to do with it.

Also:

4:48 p.m. A Columbia Falls woman said some “weird stuff” was going on. When asked the elaborate, the woman said, “Are you serious?” Then she hung up.

Also:

1:21 p.m. A Kalispell resident called 911 after being flagged down by a woman in sweatpants on the side of the road. The caller said he stopped to see what was wrong and the woman jumped in the car. The driver politely asked her to leave the vehicle and the woman cursed him out and then left. The man was confused about everything that had transpired.

(Thanks to Roberto) 

IN THAT CASE, DUDE, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Guy stopped with 3,100 pounds of weed tells cop, “It’s just a little — I can throw it out”

(Thanks to Ralph)

In Other Cannabis News: Legal Weed May Be a Windfall for McDonald’s and Taco Bell

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Mike Leone)

WE SAW GRAPHIC CORN DOGS OPEN FOR THE WHO

APPETITE FOR GRAPHIC CORN DOGS CLIMAXES IN MORAL OUTRAGE

As reported by Asaree Thaitrakulpanich, and featuring Ketnita Prasertsomboon and Yingsak Chonglertjetsadawong.

(Thanks to Phil McAvity)

FISHNADO!

Fish fall from sky with rain in northern Mexico

(Thanks to The Perts)

THEY WERE ASKING FOR IT

Man Punches Bar Windows in Vero Beach

(Thanks to John Mayson)

VIGOROUS MEN:

Do not click here.

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Idaho squirrel caused grass fire by knocking down electrical wire

(Thanks to John Mayson)

NIGHTS ARE LONG UP THERE, DUDE

Nearly half of Canadians want to try edible marijuana products

(Thanks to The Perts)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Paul Revere’s Outhouse? North End Dig May Have Found Colonial Privy

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, who says "Number One by land, Number Two in the sea!")

INCREDIBLY, IT'S NOT AUSTRALIAN

New species of giant rat discovered is so big it can crack coconuts with its teeth

(Thanks to W. von Papineau and Al Barkafski)

IN THAT CASE, SIR....

Drunk fan rolls car, blames Lions' heartbreaking loss to Falcons

(Thanks to Geoff)

GUYS IN ACTION II

Man falls from balcony while spitting on passersby below

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

AWW

Proud widow keeps husband’s 8ft cock bush alive five years after his death

(Thanks to Ralph)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Swingers party goes bad when 'jealous' wife attacks husband with minivan

This happened in Bangor Township's Bangor Downs housing community.

(Thanks to Another Ralph)

GUYS IN ACTION

Iredell sheriff: Beer-drinking men watch lawnmower burn, shoot at cars, set house on fire

(Thanks to Ralph)

EVEN FOR FLORIDA, THIS IS PRETTY DAMN FLORIDA

Their affair exposed, woman tries to run over daughter’s husband

(Thanks to Mr. Billy Corben)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Massive crocodile casually ambles through the streets of Miami

It's actually not Miami; it's Cutler Bay. But still.

(Thanks to Mr. Tom Shroder)

'THERE WAS SOME ALCOHOL INVOLVED'

Staten Island high school teacher attacks husband's Porsche with metal rod

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "Do NOT mess with them.")

OR THEY CAN JUST WATCH 'GAME OF THRONES,' LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE

Ideas for Toys and Activities to Entertain Your Chickens

(Thanks to Chris Johnson)

IT'S FOR EMERGENCIES, DUDE

$1 million worth of ‘magic’ mushrooms found in Berkeley home

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

WE ARE APPROACHING PEAK 2017

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. - A man claiming to be the "spokesman" for the so-called Mad Pooper posted two videos, trying to explain her actions.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

SNAKES MAKING NEWS II

North Carolina man uses bare hands to pull snake from toilet

(Thanks to Roberto)

SNAKES MAKING NEWS I

Hilarious video reveals the moment a terrified Florida policeman squeals with fear as a snake invades his office

(Thanks to Roberto)

'FILTHY PHALLIC FLOTSAM'

Dozens of massive dildos mysteriously wash up on an Italian beach forcing lifeguards to ban kids from bathing

(Thanks to Steve Thompson)

BOLO

Man dressed as Coca-Cola bottle robs Henderson restaurant

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

FAR WEST DINING REPORT

Roadkill Salvage Proves Quite Popular In Washington, Coming Soon To Oregon

(Thanks to timbang)

MEANWHILE DOWN UNDER

Bloke Slathers His Penis In Vegemite To Conceal Drugs

(Thanks to Ralph)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Queensland bomb squad uncovers pot of crabs

(Thanks to Ralph)

'A REAL LOVE FOR BUYING THINGS IN BULK'

Couple weds at Costco: 'It just made sense'

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)