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August 26, 2017

IT'S NATIONAL DOG DAY!

Please celebrate responsibly.

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WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Krispy Kreme has launched its own range of lip glosses and nail varnish

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

THE CALGARY HERALD COVERS HURRICANE HARVEY

Calgary man in Houston planning to ride out Hurricane Harvey with a 24-pack of beer

(Thanks to Roberto)

MEANWHILE ABROAD

The French magazine Le Point revealed Thursday that France’s 39-year-old new president has spent 26,000 euros ($30,000) on makeup services in his first three months in office — that's $10,000 a month, or about $330 a day. All at taxpayers’ expense.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

A 53-year-old man was arrested Thursday on suspicion of trying to use his prosthetic leg to smuggle heroin into the Marion County Jail.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN AUSTRALIA

Man finds massive monitor lizard swimming in bathroom water tank

(Thanks to Ralph)

PRIORITIES

Despite a run  on all grocery stores in Houston, not even Hurricane Harvey could inspire one person to buy a Cowboys cooler.

(Thanks to Steve K., who says "We'll drink warm Lone Star beer first.")

GO FIGURE

People Put Sunscreen On Eyes During Eclipse And It Didn't Go Well

(Thanks to Will Dooley)

AUSTRALIA

You're not safe anywhere.

Advisory: Bad words.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

IT'S A GATEWAY FRUIT

Man arrested in Australia for unlawful possession as hundreds of avocados seized

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

THIS BLOG, FOR ONE, WELCOMES OUR NEW ARACHNID OVERLORDS

Sex-starved spiders so big they can set off alarms are invading our homes

(Thanks to Ralph)

August 25, 2017

THAT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN TELL

Kid finds loaded gun in Lenox Square dressing room; mom pulls trigger to see if it's real

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

SPEAKING OF ILLEGALS

Man charged with smuggling tiger cub into US

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

WE ARE ALL ILLEGALS

Humans came from galaxies, far, far away, scientists say

(Thanks to mezrap, who says "This explains Dennis Rodman.")

FLATHEAD: COUNTY IN CHAOS

A Kalispell man was upset because “the entire bar was mad at him last night and it was the bartender’s fault and nobody would do anything about it.” He also called 911 multiple times the night before to convey the same message.

Also: A Columbia Falls woman was concerned both about Facebook messages that she’d received recently and the fact that her dog was barking more than normal.

(Thanks to Roberto)

AND YOU THOUGHT THE ECLIPSE WAS BIG

Uranus is probably full of giant diamonds

(Thanks to Rick Day)

HURRICANE HARVEY PREPAREDNESS TIP

For Theresa Hunt, a bartender at Houston's Restaurant, buying beer for the hurricane is the right idea because "it's basically a food group," she said.

(Thanks to Steve K.)

This blog wishes good luck to all in Harvey's path. Really.

THE MAYOR NAMED IT SHARON

Elusive Gold Coast stonefish captured in Evandale Lake

(Thanks to coscolo)

MAYBE HE WAS LATE FOR A FUNERAL

Driver with casket on roof leads police on chase down Arkansas interstate

(Thanks to Le Petomane, Bill Hudgins and Patty Villanova)

THOSE THINGS SHOULD NOT BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

RCMP are searching for a man who attempted to rob a motel in North Battleford armed with what appeared to be a projector screen.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YOU HAVE TO HAVE AT LEAST 20 TEETH

Iran bans 'UGLY' teachers

(Thanks to Roberto, who says "Half of my high school staff would fit that description.")

WHO SAYS YOUNG PEOPLE LACK INITIATIVE?

21-Year-Old Man With 81 Driver's License Suspensions Arrested on Long Island

A Florida license is on the way.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

ALWAYS USE A HAMBURGER

Pro tip from police: Don’t hide your meth in a PB&J sandwich

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

August 24, 2017

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Bacteria from elite athletes’ poop might boost sports performance

(Thanks to Tembo Samadi)

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

Not this blog.

Probably NSFW.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

STEP ONE: STOP PEEING ON IT

Your Cell Phone Is 10 Times Dirtier Than a Toilet Seat. Here's What to Do About It

Autoplay.

TODAY'S BUSINESS REPORT

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you Today's Business Report.

CSI: ROSEBURG

5:36 p.m. — Man in the 2700 block of Old Highway 99 South in Roseburg reports neighbors peeking in his windows while he watched a porn movie, then complaining.

(Thanks to Rick Stratton)

DEMANDING 'SPARE' CHANGE

Duck on leash seen waddling around Brooklyn subway car

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THESE KIDS TODAY

Young Chinese are 'too fat and masturbate too much to pass army fitness tests'

(Thanks to Ranald Adams)

TOGETHERNESS

A couples therapy scheme gone very wrong is reportedly to blame in the case of two Centralia women glued together by the pinky finger using an unknown epoxy and a copper pipe, according to the Centralia Police Department.

(Thanks to Steve Pudlo)

THAT'LL DO

Farmer thanks firefighters who saved piglets by serving them up as sausages

(Thanks to many people)

THIS DOESN'T SOUND VERY TRUSTWORTHY, LOYAL, HELPFUL ETC.

Girl Scouts accuse Boy Scouts of trying to steal away recruits

(Thanks to funny man)

August 23, 2017

INQUIRING MINDS

Americans have been Googling ‘am I blind?’ after viewing the solar eclipse

(Thanks to Ralph)

CSI: DENMARK

Police sent rubbish busker home to practice his Wonderwall cover

"Just because you can play Wonderwall does not mean you should."

(Thanks to Ralph)

GET AMERICA MOVING AGAIN

Modern life is making Americans constipated: Western diets and desk jobs are slowing down everyone's bowel movements

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS A LOVELY AFFAIR

Bride, groom arrested in post-wedding bar brawl

(Thanks to The Perts)

THE BEAR HAS FILED A LAWSUIT

Man 'punched the bear in the nose' during wild home invasion

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

SEEMS FAIR

Teenager arrested for dancing Macarena on Saudi street

(Thanks to B'game and Jeff Meyerson)

BUT NOT FROM THE TURTLE

Sexy Japanese actress strokes turtle head in tourism promotion video drawing complaints

The video is not weird at all!

(Thanks to funny man)

Related Japanese Thing That Is Not Weird At ALL: Now you can buy cough-drop flavoured Kit Kats in Japan

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

THE NEWS FROM ABROAD

Nigeria's president will spend three months working from home after his office was damaged by rats.

(Thanks to Fabian Marson, who says "Send the rats to Washington.")

PARATROOPERS WERE ALSO STANDING BY

Seven police storm 73-year-old woman's house to seize her 'dangerous' Yorkshire terrier 'Alfie' after he 'chased delivery man and made him fall over'

(Thanks to Roberto)

'CAUGHT BREAD-HANDED'

Woman caught smuggling vodka into sporting event inside salami sandwich

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez)

August 22, 2017

IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

Police say a Massachusetts man was arrested during a weekend festival after he attempted to punch a police horse in the face.

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "But it worked for Mongo.")

For you whippersnappers: Here's Mongo in action.

NEEDLESS TO SAY THEY'RE ORANGE

German police seize 5,000 Trump-shaped ecstasy pills

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, Bill Carver and Jon Harris)

IT'S ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Dubai arrests man for hiding 5.7M pills in sheep intestines

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who says: "Ewe.")

HE WORE A WELDER'S MASK

Car theft suspect pulls over to watch eclipse, gets arrested, deputies say

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

PARENTHOOD

Child locks mom out of car in Amherst, but after eating some pizza, lets her back in

(Thanks to Ralph)

FORTUNATELY FOR HIM, THE FLORIDA LIMIT IS 18

Drunken driver hit 17 cars in Osceola County while trying to park, FHP says

(Thanks to B'game and Ralph)

IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE A CHILD SHOWS UP WITH A SERVICE ANACONDA

Charlotte-Mecklenburg Schools officials may allow miniature horses to be used as service animals for students in the classroom.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

 
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