Dave Barry's Blog

'UNINTENTIONALLY'

Squirrels Are Unintentionally Luring Bears to Railroad Tracks

(Thanks to Bill Rudersdorf in Houston. Stay dry, Bill.)

DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME

His bulletproof shirt is now available in Miami. He shot his wife to prove it works

Update: The Herald is having problems with this link (keep scrolling down). This is not judi's fault, although she has been fired anyway as a precaution.

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

A Florida school was put on lockdown after after a man threatened parents with a gun and dead possum during dismissal, deputies said.

(Thanks to Jane from Kenai and Ralph)

IT'S SOMEWHERE AROUND ALABAMA

Half of men cannot label where the vagina is on a picture of the female body

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

UNFORTUNATELY, BOILING HOT LAGOONS ARE SPECIFICALLY EXCLUDED IN THE DAMAGE WAVER

Rental car slides into boiling hot lagoon in North Iceland

(Thanks to Steve Thompson)

ALL THREE PRODUCED VALID FLORIDA LICENSES

Maine woman, 2 goats unhurt after crash on interstate

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

ROOM SERVICE

Australian politician falls victim to 'special massage' scam at Midtown hotel

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "Now send him to Washington.")

LET'S HOPE IT DOESN'T FIND OUT ABOUT CHUCK E. CHEESE

Bear shows up to birthday party uninvited, finishes off cake

(Thanks to John Lobert)

IT'S NOT EASY BEING A GUY

Dads, Protect Your Balls From Flailing Toddler Limbs

(Thanks to John Lobert)

NICE THONG, DUDE

Man protests at court over pot, bong seizure

(Thanks to funny man)

BOLO

Authorities searching for heavily tattooed escaped inmate

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez, who says "He can just blend in with the crowd.")

SOMEWHERE AROUND OKLAHOMA, RIGHT?

Seattle Times apologizes for not knowing where Alabama, Mississippi are located

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

SHE HAD NO CHOICE: THERE WAS ONLY ONE NOTEBOOK LEFT

Shoppers at a Walmart in Novi, Mich. were in for some frightening moments as they witnessed a woman pull out a loaded gun Monday afternoon. Police say the gun was pulled out during a fight over school supplies.

(Thanks to Alan Dean)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

Men DON’T want sex all the time and AREN’T obsessed with porn

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "More fake news.")

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Drunken naked man arrested at Walmart after riding shopping cart

Man caught stealing license tag off PBSO car with deputies inside

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

JUST RETIRE THE TITLE

Florida earned the title as the state with the worst drivers for the second year in a row.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

HOLD OFF ON THAT MORTGAGE PAYMENT

New planet is 'about to destroy Earth' and the clue is written on the pyramids

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

DUDE, THEY DON'T WALK AT ALL

Marijuana users WALK differently

(Thanks to Ralph)

IN THAT CASE, SIR....

Police later notified the couple that the burglar was on meth and that the burglar told the police that "Rachel from the t.v. show friends made him do it."

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

SOUNDS OMINOUS

Vladimir Putin has introduced the newest weapon in his arsenal - the enormous Schit machine designed to take his country's crowd control to the next level.

(Thanks to Roberto)

WILL THEY TESTIFY?

Justin Bieber’s testicles spark lawsuit

(Thanks to funny man and Ralph)

CATS: POSSESSED BY DEMONS? OR WHAT?

This is not natural.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

GUESS THE CONTINENT

Snake spotted slithering in home's bathroom skylight

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

GUYS IN ACTION

Nearly 300 years worth of porn was recorded to test Amazon's unlimited cloud storage offer

(Thanks to tonymus, who says "Excuse me, I may be off the Internet for awhile…")

'LOOK AT THEM SHARING WATER JUST OUT OF THE CAP OF THAT BOTTLE'

Newscast catches Texas rescue team doing shots together after braving the flood

(Thanks to ICEMAN)

You'd be doing shots, too, if you were out there with gigantic floating blobs of fire ants.

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

THIS IS PRECISELY THE TYPE OF EMERGENCY FOR WHICH 911 WAS CREATED

A Montana woman called 911 to report that she had purchased some “bad meth,” adding that the drug left a “bad taste in her mouth,” according to police.

(Thanks to Chris Elzi and Kevin Smith)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Martha Stewart And Snoop Dogg Recreate That Sexy ‘Ghost’ Scene

(Thanks to Jon Harris, who says "think Martha had some of his 'special' brownies!")

SOMEBODY NEEDS TO GO TO CONFESSION

Suspects disguise themselves as nuns in attempted bank robbery

(Thanks to John Lobert and Alkali Bill)

FASHION UPDATE

Yikes.

(Thanks to Beth Armogida, who says "I love a woman’s sweater that says, 'I have your balls now.'")

LIKE WE NEED MORE KARDASHIANS

A South Florida social media model dubbed the "Cuban Kim Kardashian" found herself posing for a mug shot Sunday after police say she fled from officers while driving drunk after leaving a popular Miami nightclub.

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FORE!

The Herald of Rock Hill reports Tega Cay police received a call from a resident shortly before 7:30 p.m. Sunday saying two people were lying on the eighth fairway. A police report said the resident told officers he thought there may have been a medical situation, but after looking through his binoculars, he saw two people engaged in a sex act.

(Thanks to Tim! Stern)

THINK YOU'RE TOUGH?

Think again.

'FART SEXY STYLE'

These pics are proof you shouldn’t wear slogan shirts unless you understand what they say

(Thanks to funny man)

PRIORITIES, MATEY

Town’s bid to beat world record for number of pirates in one place fails because three wannabe swashbucklers went to the pub instead

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "Hey, they're pirates.")

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Everyone’s Running for President in 2020

(Thanks to funny man)

ALL WE KNOW AT THIS POINT IS THAT IT HAS A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Bizarre creature found squirming on the ground likened to ‘alien-life form’ by baffled witnesses

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON

'It' Movie Causing Legit Clowns to Lose Work

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

HER HUSBAND REVIVED IT BY RUBBING ITS BELLY

A woman found a tiny live frog in her packaged salad. Now it's a family pet.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

SOCCER FAN OF THE WEEK SO FAR

A loyal Birmingham City fan missed the entirety of his side's game against Reading on Saturday, after a lengthy trip to the toilet.

 

GOD BLESS TEXAS

In the midst of the storm, a woman gave a six-pack of beer to a TV reporter.

(Thanks to Gary Johnson)

'THE AIRLINE WAS FINED 20 MILLION DONG'

VietJet has promised its flight attendants will be properly clothed on maiden route

(Thanks to Ralph)

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Woman rams two vehicles into a home after a dispute with her roommate

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

POLICE HAVE NOTHING TO GO ON

24 portable toilets destroyed by another suspicious fire in Wellington County

(Thanks to The Perts)

AND IN SPORTS

Bull wounds anti-bullfighting activist in French arena

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

AMERICA DEMANDS AN ANSWER

Is Tom Cruise wearing a fake butt in this movie?

(Thanks to funny man)

BUT THE T-SHIRT SALES COULD BE HUGE

South Korea’s ‘Poop School’ to change name

(Thanks to Ralph and Unholy Slacker)

HURRICANE HARVEY

People in Texas are hurting bad, and it won't get better for a long time. If you want to help, here's how.

UNTIL YOU RUN OUT OF HAMBURGER

Chickens will become a beloved pet — just like the family dog

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

SO I FOUND THE TANKS THEY USE TO DETERMINE TAXES

...and it turns out they're full of beer.

 

TO COMPENSATE, OUR BUTTS GOT BIGGER

We were left with smaller skulls after our ancestors started eating CHEESE

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)