Dave Barry's Blog

AUSTRALIAAAAAAAAAA

Monster crocodile swims down river with a cow in its jaws

Autoplay.

Giant 'angry' huntsman called Aragog that's larger than a dinner plate traps a terrified family in their home

(Thanks to Kevin Smith and Patty Villanova)

NOW WITH ADDED PROTEIN

Man held after deadly king cobras smuggled into U.S. in potato chip cans

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, Poker, Patty Villanova, manual tomato and Matt Filar)

WE SAW THE WILD SHEEP-SURFING RABBITS OPEN FOR PRINCE

Wild rabbits surf on sheep to flee New Zealand flood

(Thanks to Scurvy Steve and Jay Brandes)

PREPARATION IS VITAL

Eclipse creating record demand for marijuana, liquor

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

11:40 p.m. A Coram resident reported that someone had left a “bag of hornets” at their house.

Read the whole blotter. Really.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

WELL OK, THEN

Company says Fort Myers woman's claim of iguana leg in jar of pizza sauce was just mold

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

LOOKING FOR A VACATION DESTINATION OFF THE BEATEN PATH?

Here you go.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

IN FLORIDA, THIS WOULD BE A POLICE CAR

A Western New York man was arrested after driving a car with no windshield, no doors and no license plates.  Oh, and by the way, there was an ax stuck into the roof.

Shocker: He was later found to be impaired by multiple different drug categories

(Thanks to Le Petomane, L. Raymond and Ralph)

ANOTHER SOUND LEGAL STRATEGY

Suspect Disrobes in Patrol Car, Spits His Own Feces at Richmond Officers

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Jay Brandes and Michael Moyer)

WOOF

Humans and dogs to have CONVERSATIONS within a decade

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Chris Elzi and coscolo. who says "My dog and I communicate just fine without an 'app.'")

AN OPPORTUNITY THAT DOESN'T COME ALONG EVERY DAY

Iconic Clown Motel for sale in Tonopah

Bonus Selling Point: It's next to the cemetery.

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Ranald Adams)

IT GETS COLD UP THERE

Canadian polygamous leader found guilty of having 25 wives

(Thanks to Allen at Divison, who says "Surely he's been punished enough.")

IT HAS LONG BEEN OUR DREAM

What if you could tell you were getting sick because your poop suddenly smelled like bananas?

(Thanks to MOTW)

THE ORIGIN OF THE KARDASHIANS

Ancient humans had sex with non humans

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Allen at Division)

BOLO

Canadian police officer loses grenade launcher, ammunition from truck

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAA

Fired Indian River sheriff's deputy took naked photos on duty

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MIAMI IS PROOF OF THIS

Driving for more than two hours a day makes you less intelligent, study finds

(Thanks to Alberto Mengoni)

THE BUG IS FINE

Kansas woman tries to kill bug with a lighter and ends up setting her apartment on fire

(Thanks to Martin Berman-Gorvine)

IT'S RISING

A truck hauling yeast along Interstate 5 in Tacoma began leaking dough from the top, with clumps of the dough falling off onto the freeway behind it.

(Thanks to B'game and Craig Roberts)

THESE LEGAL STRATEGIES USUALLY WORK TO PERFECTION

Woman who sang alphabet during traffic stop arrested on drunk driving charge

Woman grabs deputy’s crotch, won’t let go

You know the state.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

Naked Man Arrested After Chasing Seagulls At Petoskey State Park

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE 'I' IN IPA STANDS FOR IGUANA

WOMAN FINDS DEAD LIZARD IN HER BEER

(Thanks to Ralph)

CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Police say two men have been arrested after they tried to buy drugs from an officer at a Connecticut police station.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

DUH

Science proves it: Money really can buy happiness

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

DAMN

North Korea cancels annual beer festival, tour firms say

(Thanks to Bobby Grawl and Chris Johnson)

PASS THE WHADDYCALLIT

Alcohol can IMPROVE consolidating memory in some people, according to study

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Chris Elzi and Michael Moyer)

PORTABLE RESTROOM CONFIDENTIAL

It Might Surprise You to Hear About the Messiest Users

Chilling Quote: “The ceiling?” Lacke asked. But she didn’t really want to know.

WE'LL TELL YOU WHERE YOU CAN INSTALL YOUR CHIP

Wisconsin company announces it will be installing MICROCHIPS in their employees - but insists there's no GPS tracking

(Thanks to nursecindy)

'HELLO, 911?'

Man seeking dropped phone falls in trash chute

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

GO,FIGURE

A 22-year-old named Fellony Hudson is accused of felony kidnapping, felony eluding, felony possession of a stolen vehicle and several misdemeanors after police pursued him across state lines.

(Thanks to Le Petomane, Ralph and Another Ralph)

NOT OUR TABLE

This cannibalistic invasive species could be coming to your dinner table

(Thanks to The Perts)

UPDATE ON THE NEW YORK TERROR SQUIRREL

It made The Times. The New York F***ing Times, Man.*

(Thanks to Art Kraus)

*Geezer reference. 

STEEPLY DISCOUNTED

When she got in the car, the arrest warrant says Thomes introduced herself as the “Million Dollar Ho.”

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Ralph)

HE WAS TRYING TO BLEND IN

Escapee from Washington state arrested in Ponchatoula

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez, who asks "How can they be sure it's the same guy?")

OR POSSIBLY DARTH VADER

Exposed wood next to a church bears a remarkable likeness to Mother Teresa

(Thanks to funny man)

WE STOPPED READING HALFWAY THROUGH THIS HEADLINE

Millennials only have a 5-second attention span for ads

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

IT IS STILL AT LARGE

Crazed squirrel goes on biting rampage in Prospect Park

(Thanks to John Murphy)

SHE HAS THIS BLOG'S FULL SUPPORT

Why an Ontario woman is fighting for her right to swim topless

(Thanks to The Perts)

HARD TO ARGUE

Justin Bieber banned from China in order to 'purify' nation 

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Jim Kenaston)

WE WORRY THAT THERE ARE TOO MANY STUDIES

Worrying You Don’t Get Enough Exercise Can Cut Lifespan Short, Study Finds

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

THEY HAVE A TANK FOR SMART FISH?

According to a new report from cybersecurity firm Darktrace, hackers recently tapped into a smart fish tank at a North American casino in efforts to steal data from other areas of the network.

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

WE SAW DEMON GOAT OPEN FOR THE CLASH

Birth of 'demon goat' terrifies town; police are called

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and Matt Filar)

WE DON'T THINK SO

"In case of emergencies, please wrap your stools in newspaper and leave on your desk. Brenda will come round with her trolley and collect them at 5.30pm."

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

YOUR WASHINGTON JOKE HERE

Houses of Parliament 'crawling with bed bugs' as pest control called in

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Florida man livestreams his police chase as he runs over beach chairs and swigs whiskey

SEAN SPICER

If only he'd followed his original instinct...

THIS MAN HAS A FUTURE IN WASHINGTON

Manitowoc Common Council Alderman Michael Howe was arrested in the early morning hours of July 4 after trying to mount "Bernice," the giant cow statue in front of Cedar Crest Dairy on South 10th Street.

(Thanks to Car Ramrod)

IT'S PROBABLY IN ICELAND

Drove to Canada, rocked out to Metallica, but can't find the car

Update: He found it. And now he loves Canada.

(Thanks to The Perts)

THIS COULD RADICALLY CHANGE THE COLLEGE-ADMISSIONS PROCESS

The Poop Of Babies Reveals How Smart They'll Be

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

Man caught on highway driving stolen Walmart cart

(Thanks to Todd Lawson, who says "Probably headed to Florida.")