Dave Barry's Blog

GOD SAVE HER

The Queen of England Enjoys Four Cocktails Every Day

OKLAHOMA: LAND OF BADASS WOMEN

Mrs. Newby killed 11 copperheads last night at her house!

Mrs. Newby is 72.

(Thanks to Le Petomane and manual tomato)

CRIMINAL GUYS IN ACTION

Police said Monday that the five men, aged from 33 to 43, allegedly stole the iPhones in a late-night raid a week ago by driving a modified van so close to the delivery truck that one of the suspects was able to clamber across the van's hood and break into the truck while it drove along a Dutch road. The suspect then passed boxes of iPhones back to the van.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

ATTENTION, WASHINGTON STATE MOTORIST/GOURMANDS

Here's your Road Kill Salvage Permit Application.

We assume they mean the sex of the road kill.

(Thanks to B'game)

ALWAYS A SMART MOVE

East Texas woman arrested after DWI, stealing state trooper's patrol car

(Thanks to Todd Lawson, who says "But she only made it three miles in the direction of Florida before being caught again.")

IT'S A FRESH NEW LOOK

Mum tries to glue dead fly to her eyelid after confusing it with her fake lashes

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Ralph)

WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS

Flight in Vegas delayed by naked passenger

(Thanks to Jay Brandes, Le Petomane, Rick Day, Patty Villanova, Al Barkafski and Not My Usual Alias)

GIANTS OF THE PAST

He dubbed himself Le Pétomane—the Fartomaniac.

(Thanks to funny man)

AND HE WOULD KNOW

‘Sharknado’ creator: Epic fishy storm could actually happen

Actual Name of Sharknado Creator: Thunder Levin

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO

It's National Orgasm Day.

Semi-NSFW.

(Thanks to funny man)

SPEAKING OF SCIENCE:

Each day in the field was punctuated by magical moments when a pod of inquisitive belugas got close enough to sneeze into one of the petri dishes Hudson or her field assistant hung out of the back of a Zodiac boat.

"Magical moments."

(Thanks to The Perts)

THANKS, SCIENCE!

our kitchen sponge harbors zillions of microbes. Cleaning it could make things worse

(Thanks to Ed Reich)

FIREFIGHTER GUYS IN ACTION

 Fire hose rodeo.

Advisory: Some bad words.

(Thanks to Rose Marie Dammann)

MEANWHILE IN THAT WACKY NATION CALLED CANADA

If Markham doesn't want Charity the stainless steel cow, Yorkville might take her

(Thanks to The Perts)

HOW DARE THEY?

Norwegian broadcaster NRK's website will present people who want to leave comments with a quiz that asks them about what the story is actually about.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

ADVISORY: Before you comment on this blog post, you must pass the following multiple-choice quiz:

What is the article about?

a. Squirrels.

YOU KNOW WHO WAS BEHIND THIS

Crews work quickly after bird pecks through power pole in Snohomish Co.

(Thanks to Ralph)

DO NOT STICK YOUR TONGUE INTO THE SOCKET

Finnish scientists have worked out how to make food from electricity

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

IT'S LIKE CHUCK E. CHEESE FOR ADULTS

Uniformed Hooters Waitress Busted Following Tussle With Fellow Female Employee

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Finalists to gather for Miss Mermaid United Kingdom pageant

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

THESE KIDS TODAY

Teenager gets a hammer stuck in her mouth because of her favourite boy band

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

WHAT A MIAMI WOMAN WEARS TO A SOCCER MATCH

Really.

PRINGLES WERE INVOLVED

Here's the Surprising Way the Milky Way Galaxy Got So Massive

(Thanks to The Perts)

GUESS THE CONTINENT

Massive croc takes on shark in battle to death

 

(Thanks to Fabian Marson, who says "If not for the beer, this country of ours would be uninhabitable.")

 

WHICH MEANS IT CAN LEGALLY VOTE IN FLORIDA

A Cape Coral family said a monitor lizard is living in their attic.

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Ralph)

SOMEBODY HAS TO DO IT

This Couple Has Spent the Past 30 Years Visiting Every Cracker Barrel in the U.S.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says: "It's good to have a goal. Up next: Chuck E. Cheese.")

NO DOUBT EN ROUTE TO MIAMI

Ferrari driver wrecks supercar just an hour after he bought it

(Thanks to Chris Elzi and Steve Thompson)

OR IN STANDARD POLICE RADIO CODE, A 10-2038

Ohio woman calls 911 saying, 'I have a boa constrictor stuck to my face'

(Thanks to Rick Day, Le Petomane and John Lobert)

OR, NOT

You can now buy bottles of gin with vintage Harley-Davidson parts floating inside the bottles.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

DETAILS, DETAILS

Plane nearly ran out of fuel after pilots forgot to bring up landing gear

(Thanks to Another Ralph)

'MY FAVORITE COLOR'

Retailer apologizes after font makes ‘glitter’ appear to read as ‘Hitler’

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

'I THINK IT'S STRANGE TO SEE THE COW'S BUTT EVERY MORNING'

Bold cow sculpture 'scares the children,' Markham, Ont., residents say

(Thanks to funny man)

NO SUCH THING, DUDE

California has too much pot

(Thanks to funny man)

YOU HAVE NO RESPONSIBLE OPTION, AS A HEALTH-CONSCIOUS INDIVIDUAL, BUT TO CONSUME A LOT OF IT

Researchers in Singapore have brewed up a beer containing probiotic bacteria that can improve gut health and boost the immune system.

(Thanks to Dr. Richard Shehane)

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GIVE LEMURS ACCESS TO THE INTERNET

A man was robbed of his pants and shoes near the San Francisco Zoo in an online transaction gone wrong, officials said.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

LEARNING THE ROPES

Security officer allegedly steals $100,000 first day on the job

(Thanks to Rick Day and Le Petomane)

TOTALLY RATIONAL

Quebec bus driver struck with bat after telling passenger to put away his cat

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, Le Petomane and Bob Brogan, who says "It was probably a service animal.") 

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR FOGHAT

Expert: No clear cause of 'creepy' fungus gnat wave

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE NEWS FROM ABROAD

Two women are in hospital with broken bones after a THREESOME went wrong with one falling off a balcony as she reached climax and the other slipping as she ran to help in Germany

This has been The News From Abroad.

(Thanks to Patty Villanova and ImNotDave)

THE BEAR WORE BASIC BLACK

Mountie in red serge chases a bear out of town

(Thanks to The Perts)

NAME THAT STATE!

Man tries to steal police car with officer in it

(Thanks to Ron G.)

SENSIBLE

An Indian official has reportedly urged villagers who do not have enough money to build toilets in their homes to sell their wives to make some extra money.

BUT IT HAS A *LOT* OF NUTRIENTS, DUDE

They bought $10,000 worth of pot, but it was broccoli. Then came the gunfire.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THEY DESCRIBE IT AS 'PLEASANT' AND 'DOMESTICATED,' AND OF COURSE IT HAS A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Police looking for owner of 77-pound tortoise found on road

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

HE WANTED TO 'START HIS CAREER AS A COMEDIAN'

Authorities say they arrested a man who robbed a bank, stripped naked and ran down the street throwing stolen money.

Guess the state.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

OKLAHOMA EDUCATION REPORT

Teacher who cartwheeled without underwear given probation

This has been your Oklahoma Education Report.

(Thanks to Patty Villanova, Al Barkafski and Steve K,  who says "It gets pretty hot in Oklahoma, even in February.")

THEY'RE GETTING BRAZEN

Massive squirrels have 'road rage' battle that wouldn't look out of place in a wrestling ring

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

THESE ARE CONSENTING TURTLES

This $10 sex toy is helping scientists study turtles

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT THIS TONIGHT

A woman in Virginia who heard noises in her home in the middle of the night soon learned that a man was living in her attic.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

MOTHER NATURE IS ONE SICK WOMAN

Gulls' Love of Baby Seal Poop Leads to Gouged Butts

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who says "one headline, two band names")

BOLO

One-armed clown had machete taped to amputated arm, police say

(Thanks to Andy Vogan and Bill Hudgins)

Reminds us of a Carl Hiaasen character.