Dave Barry's Blog

THEY ALSO DEMAND CIGARETTES

Gangs of aggressive killer whales are shaking down Alaska fishing boats for their fish

(Thanks to wiredog)

WE NEED A WALL PROTECTING US FROM CANADA

Canada police investigate theft of mummified human toe served in drinks

(Thanks to L. Raymond, The Perts, Joseph Feather, Jon Harris, Ron Weil, funny man and Bob Brogan)

WE MIGHT AS WELL SURRENDER TO NORTH KOREA RIGHT NOW

Mattel has introduced Man Bun Ken.

Autoplay.

TOO BAD FATHER'S DAY IS OVER

Here's a rock that looks like Marge Simpson (we're defining "looks like" as "looks nothing like") for only $25,000 and shipping is free.

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

WALMART: WHERE AMERICA GETS WEIRD

"I want you to know I have this Batman costume on but I'm an off-duty police officer."

(Thanks to Le Petomasne)

KINKY BUTTERFLY

It features sperm packages of ungodly size. It involves genitals that double as a souped-up stomach. There’s even an honest-to-goodness vagina dentata.

(Thanks to wiredog)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

There's One Surprisingly Huge Health Benefit to Ejaculation

(Thanks to Rick Day)

THIS BLOG IS NOT MAKING FUN OF HIS NAME

A Livermore Falls man has been charged after allegedly dumping mayonnaise on a man.

(Thanks to Ralph)

CSI: SOUTH CAROLINA

A little over a month after an investigation into the alleged killing of a duck by an estranged boyfriend, the Lancaster County Sheriff’s Office is investigating another case of fowl play, only this time the victims are turkeys.

(Thanks to Christy McWhorter)

YES

Brooklyn Bar Turns Wall of Taps into ‘Beer ATM’

(Thanks to The Amazing [burp] Steve)

YOU KNOW THIS IS ALL PART OF SOME NEFARIOUS PLOT

A pet squirrel that gained fame by thwarting a home burglary in Idaho has returned to the wild.

Autoplay. We are SO TIRED of autoplay.

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Bruce Pingree)

BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY

Chatham Residents Push Back Against Proposed Chuck E. Cheese

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Jay Brandes)

IN FLORIDA...

...we call this "parking."

WE SHOULD SAVE THE KALE FOR OUR ENEMIES

Drone-delivered kale, and 5 more things we might see at an Amazon-owned Whole Foods

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

DOUGHNUTS WERE INVOLVED

'I'm going to hit you in the head,' woman named Miracle Crimes tells Springfield cop before allegedly kicking him in groin

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GUYS IN ACTION

Man sets underwear on fire, prompts evacuation at Modesto Walgreens

Totally Logical: Modesto Police Sgt. Steve Hinkley said he’d had an accident and was trying to get his underwear off but couldn’t, so he used a lighter to burn them off.

(Thanks to Ralph)

AUSTRALIA: THE FLORIDA OF THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE

An Australian family captured video of an unusual wildlife confrontation between a snake and a water dragon lizard in their backyard pool.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

YOU KNOW THE BULL HAD A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE

Bizarre video shows motorist driving along with a huge Texas Longhorn in the passenger seat of his adapted 'police car'

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

OH THE HUMANITY

Semi full of hamburger buns is toast after fire

(Thanks to The Perts)

TIME TO DECAFFEINATE

A trip to Starbucks ended violently on Sunday, after two customers got into argument over a wrong drink order, and one of them was stabbed.

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "The Wrong Latte opened for Strawberry Alarm Clock.  Tasty show.")

WE DON'T SEE IT

Scientists have discovered a new species of deep-sea worm and everyone is thinking the same thing

((Thanks to The Perts, RussellMc and Jon Harris)

Related: Dried lizard penis being sold online as India tantric root

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Charles Cates)

'TELL PEOPLE NOT TO PANIC'

Experts say Canada's caterpillar and worm infestation will end

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

When they tell you not to panic, it is TIME TO PANIC.

THEREBY QUALIFYING FOR A SECOND FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

A Worm Went to Space and Came Back With Two Heads

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko and The Perts)

WE CANNOT HELP OURSELVES

NASA wants to probe Uranus in search of gas

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

OH THE HUMANITY

German officials confiscate 35 tons of fidget spinners and will crush them out of existence

(Thanks to The Perts)

YOU KNOW WHO WAS BEHIND THIS

Gophers break into Montana State Prison

(Thanks to Bret Weston)

IN NORMAL STATES PEOPLE WORRY ABOUT MOSQUITOS

This is the moment a Florida grandfather shot dead a 12-foot snake as it strangled one of his goats.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

SPORTS UPDATE

If you are a male, you do NOT want to click on the Sports Update.

(Thanks to manual tomato)

Another item you males should not click on can be found here.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

GOOD ADVICE

So I went to Gilbert's, a wonderful local Cuban bakery, and at the bottom of the blackboard listing the special offerings was this statement, which I guess makes as much sense as anything this year:

 

NO DOUBT

Woman filmed giving in-flight lap dance claims she's 'absolutely mortified’

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

CSI: CRAIGHEAD COUNTY

Arkansas courthouse installs security cameras in elevator to stop the steady stream of visitors PEEING inside

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

CANADA: THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL CONTINUES

The vehicle was adorned with buoys, rope, a life jacket, a life ring and a crab trap, along with a full-blown motor attached to the trunk.

(Thanks to The Perts)

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

Three teenagers in a program for those who may want to become officers stole three Los Angeles Police Department vehicles and went on patrol around the city before leading authorities on wild pursuits that ended with crashes, Chief Charlie Beck said.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and Le Petomane)

IT WAS FUN UNTIL THE PRANKSTER WAS FOUND STRANGLED WITH A CHARGING CORD

A Florida prankster attempted to fool fellow airport-goers by placing stickers that resembled electrical outlets at a Miami International Airport terminal.

(Thanks to John Lobert, Jon Harris and Ralph)

SURPRISING TO WHOM?

The surprising number of American adults who think chocolate milk comes from brown cows

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

PLANNING A CORPORATE EVENT? BACHELORETTE PARTY?

Consider axe-throwing.

(Thanks to L. Raymond, who found out about this through this article.)

YOU KNOW WHO WAS BEHIND THIS

More than a dozen wild boars swarm at Singapore bus station

(Thanks to funny man)

NAME THAT STATE!

Woman stole city money to get butt lift

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Jon Harris)

ALWAYS A SHREWD LEGAL TACTIC

Jacksonville man charged with stealing a Camden County Sheriff's deputy's patrol car after DUI check

Key Fact: The report described Tippins as 5-foot-2 with very small wrists.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FUN COUPLE

$1million of meth lollipops seized from Texas couple after they packed their car so full of the candy its doors couldn't close

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

THESE CRIMINALS TODAY

Man leads Jeffco deputies on low-speed chase in stolen flatbed truck after unable to get out of 1st gear

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Driver uses loose change as a road rage weapon

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

A team of Microsoft researchers developed an artificial intelligence-based system that was able to set a record score in the arcade game Ms. Pac-Man.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

MAINE WOMEN

Do not mess with them.

(Thanks to Ranald Adams, Jim [formerly of] Perth and David Emery)

KINKY

The female anaconda had eaten one of her most recent sexual partners

HARSH

Kansas man who robbed bank to escape wife gets home-confinement sentence

(Thanks to Another Ralph and Andrew Mendez)

BECAUSE OF OUR STRICT POLICY

We refuse to make fun of this victim's name.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

'EXTREMELY FUN'

If you love cats this is the home for you! If not bring your sandblaster!

(Thanks to Ralph)

'THEY ARE PRETTY DEVIOUS'

Squirrel causes outage for EWEB customers

(Thanks to ubetcha)

WE'RE ON OUR WAY!

Tirau toilet-goers will be relieved to hear that the Tirau Outhouse is open and ready for business.

(Thanks to Ralph)