Dave Barry's Blog

CLASSIC '97

Did The Blog blog this cover story? Or will someone be fired? 

TAKE A LITTLE OFF THE SIDES, RIGHT NOW!

A Cleveland woman pulled a gun on a barber because her soon's haircut was taking too long.
The barber finished the haircut.

(Thanks to Bill H., James F., Jim K., and Jay B.) 

NAP-ERCISE

Because you want to tell everyone you slept with that hottie at the gym.

(Thanks to funny man)

AND HE PROMISES THERE WON'T BE A 49TH

A Fort Wayne man was charged with inhaling toxic vapors for the 48th time...

(Thanks to funny man)

ALSO, THE SKY IS BLUE

Beer is the best thing for pain ... and then blah blah blah a bunch of stuff about health blah blah blah.

(Thanks to Roberto)

AFTER THEY'VE GIVEN THEM A FAKE PHONE NUMBER

Female dragonflies fake sudden death to avoid male advances 

(Thanks to Jodi F., funny man, and Poker)

LOCAL MORNING TV

It's the best.

Update (via Mr. Gene Weingarten): The station is suing! Despite the fact that this is probably the highest-quality entertainment it has ever broadcast!

GUYS IN ACTION

Man drinks 13 beers during a half marathon he didn't train for

(Thanks to Ralph, which we're guessing is also what this man did)

FLORIDA POOPING WILDLIFE REPORT

A neighborhood covered in poop is at war over whether majestic peacocks should stay

This is happening near where this blog lives.

(Thanks to Doug Hamilton and Ranald Adams)

LET'S EXTEND THIS CONCEPT TO GOLF

Watch as man sets possible record on bowling fastest perfect game

Autoplay.

(Thanks to James Flynn)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

 

Picking your nose and eating it is good for you, study claims

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE HAVE 911

Police say an Ohio man called 911 to request a police dog to help track down heroin allegedly stolen from him.

(Thanks to Jon Harris, Layla and Le Petomane)

SMOOTH

Man snorts cocaine in front of deputies evacuating Golden Gate Estates

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DEFINITELY FLORIDIAN MATERIAL

Anchor Point woman allegedly strips naked and fights an Alaska State Trooper

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

FINALLY, AN ALTERNATIVE TO THE BLARNEY STONE

Ireland's bizarre genital sculptures revealed: Interactive map plots mysterious medieval carvings of women exposing their privates

(Thanks to James Flynn)

ONE FINAL HUMILIATION

'Overly obese' body starts funeral home fire

(Thanks to Patty Villanova and Le Petomane)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Mystery man dumps two CHICKENS inside a crowded peak-hour train carriage before fleeing

(Thanks to Ralph)

YOUR MAN IS *THINKING*, THAT'S WHY

Why every mammal (including humans), takes 12 seconds to poop - but no word on why your man spends 15 minutes in the loo

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko and Craig Roberts)

'I DON'T THINK THAT WAS THE BEST THING TO DO AT ALL'

Dozens of snakes dumped in Arkansas Walmart parking lot

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Patty Villanova)

YET CONGRESS REMAINS LEGAL

Backyard chickens could soon be banned in the nation's capital

(Thanks to The Perts)

CANADA: LAND OF EXCITEMENT

Fat beaver stuck in fence freed by Hamilton city worker

Impossible icicle spotted in Newfoundland

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby and The Perts)

FIRST THE MUD, AND NOW THIS

British fashion retailer Topshop was met with criticism and confusion from shoppers after offering clear plastic jeans for sale.

(Thanks to Ron G.)

HEY, AT LEAST IT WAS DEAD

Pennsylvania student finds dead worm in school lunch

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Dolphin vaginas no longer a total mystery, thanks to Dal scientist

(Thanks to funny man)

FLORIDA WILDLIFE REPORT

Hawks attacking residents in Oviedo neighborhood

(Thanks to DaninDallas, coscolo and Le Petomane)

HE CLAIMS IT 'HAPPENED ACCIDENTALLY'

Patient didn’t realise he had a glass BOTTLE up his bum until he went to hospital with stomach pains and spotted it in an X-ray

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

CONSUMER PROTEST OF THE WEEK SO FAR

"Bad Experience" At Bookstore Prompts Man, 71, To Retaliate With Dildo Barrage

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who claims he saw Dildo Barrage open for the Sex Pistols)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR BANNED YAK MEAT

Bronx Zoo proudly displays 'snot otters'

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

IN HIS DEFENSE, IT ALSO SAID 'SEX' AND 'ROCK & ROLL'

Man driving van with 'drugs' written on the outside arrested for drug dealing

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

WE SAW BANNED YAK MEAT OPEN FOR STING

Customs agents at John F. Kennedy Airport have seized more than 300 pounds of banned Yak meat smuggled in sweaters, pants and shawls.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAA

Man says he stole forklift because it was better than walking

In that case, sir....

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

(Note that this blog is not making fun of the suspect's name.)

WE PREFER THE TERM 'PERMANENTLY RE-ACCOMMODATED'

Simon the giant bunny found dead after United Airlines flight

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

DRUNK MAN KNOCKED DOWN 300-POUND ROBOT IN MOUNTAIN VIEW

(Thanks to Janice Gelb and Peter Metrinko)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Some residents in southwest Illinois were fired up on Monday over a new gun club with a bar that may be opening in town.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

LIONS

Do not mess with them.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

YOU MIGHT WIN.... A T-SHIRT!

Now Florida wildlife officials who want to rid the state of invasive snakes are trying something even more offbeat: prizes for anyone in the public who picks up a python.

No word on what the python wins if it... you know, wins.

(Thanks to Ralph)

GUYS IN ACTION

Kung Fu students dangle heavy wooden boxes from genitals

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

IT WOULD TAKE FAR MORE TO GET THIS BLOG TO SAY THAT

Florida driver's unique method for towing a boat will make you say 'WTF'

(Thanks to Rick Day, Ralph, and Emily, Leslie and w)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Bizarre singing breasts advert beats Facebook ban by covering nipples with moving lips

(Thanks to funny man)

Not Totally SFW. Also, autoplay.

BECAUSE THE REGULAR SLUGS AREN'T GETTING THE JOB DONE

Spanish cannibal slugs invading Britain and creating 'superslugs'

(Thanks to A Wheeler)

PERHAPS HE WAS, IN FACT, TOOTING

Man Stabbed In The Buttocks In Motiveless Attack In Tooting

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Any day now.

(Thanks to AC, who says "My advice is not to read this." This is good advice.)

EW

Fatberg that blocked high street hairdressers toilets is so big it stretches the full length of the high street

Edgar?

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

A prison officer who smuggled cannabis, mobile phones and sim cards into a young offender's institution in her bra to earn extra cash to fund a master's degree in criminology.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

OOPS

Tourism director, 61, who was fired after she accidentally live-streamed herself naked on her ENTIRE TOWN'S Instagram page in sext gone-wrong sues to get her job back

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

THERE IS NOTHING MORE UNNATURAL THAN NATURE

'Alien-like' Hercules Beetle wriggles while inside pupa before it prepares to emerge as fully grown insect

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "Of course they're found in Florida.")

YOU KNOW THE SQUIRRELS WERE BEHIND THIS

Cheeky seagull steals false teeth

(Thanks to Ralph)

SOMETIMES IT'S BLESSED TO RECEIVE, DUDE

Police in Pennsylvania said a church pastor contacted authorities after receiving a UPS package that unexpectedly contained 10 pounds of marijuana.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

IN THAT CASE, SIR....

Florida man worried about zombies breaks into home, deputies say

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

JUST WHEN YOU THINK THE WORLD CANNOT GET ANY STUPIDER

...the world proves you wrong.

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Bill Hudgins)