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March 10, 2017

HE WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT CRACKERS

Police looking for man who stole Chevy Equinox and 9 baby parrots

(Thanks to Al Barkafski

SHOPPER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Police have asked the public’s help in identifying a man who allegedly urinated on dozens of shoes at a Sumner County Walmart.

Incredibly, this did not happen in Florida.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

5-foot-long dead shark mysteriously left in shopping cart outside Fla. Walmart

It released after etc. (At least it stayed off the People Mover.)

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, DaninDallas, Dave N., not my usual alias and Ralph)

HE SHOULD ALSO DO THE NEWS

Kid storms live weather forecast to fart on meteorologist

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and  Ranald Adams)

STRUMPDATE

We had a fine event last night for For This We Left Egypt? at the New York Public Library. The discussion was moderated -- although frankly it was not very moderate -- by Opheria Eisenberg, who did a great job.

NYPL panel

March 09, 2017

ROOSTERS 1, HUMANS 0

A New Jersey man was jailed on suspicion of driving drunk after police said he tried to run over a Key West rooster but instead crashed the golf cart he was operating.

Do not mess with Key West roosters.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SOME ARE STILLL AT LARGE

Bag of 50 frogs found dumped in Aldi supermarket car park in north London

(Thanks to Alan Dean)

SENT IN BY THE ENTIRE WORLD, AS WELL AS SEVERAL OTHER PLANETS:

Miami lawyer’s pants erupt in flames during arson trial in court

STRUMPDATE

In NYC promoting For This We Left Egypt? with Alan Zweibel and Adam Mansbach. We appeared on Good Day New York, which set up a seder table (sort of) for us. There we ran into the Xavier cheerleading squad, in town for the Big East tournament. As you can see they were very enthusiastic about our parody haggadah.

Seder Table

Xavier

Wednesday evening we had a book-launching party at the Friars Club, with an introduction by the great Gilbert Gottfried. As you might imagine his remarks were very tasteful.

DB and Gilbert Gottfried

March 08, 2017

PYTHONS, MAYBE?

What Killed More Than Half a Dozen of the Bahamas’ Swimming Pigs?

(Thanks to Dave N.)

ATTENTION JOB-HUNTERS

Wanted: South Florida python hunters for hire

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

THEY WERE ASKING FOR IT

Man fined for threatening cows with gun

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

GOD HELP US IF NORTH KOREA GETS HOLD OF THOSE THINGS

Waffle House responds to lawsuit, says ‘exploding’ dishes did not injure diner

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

EVEN IN MIAMI, THIS IS FROWNED UPON

Impaired driver crashes into Miami Beach police cruiser, authorities say

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IN THAT CASE, SIR...

Commissioner blames 'those damn chicken nuggets' for drunk driving arrest

(Thanks to Ralph)

BUT HE FAILED THE UNICYCLE TEST

Arkansas college student juggles to prove sobriety to police

(Thanks to Bob Brogan and Kevin Smith)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Sebastian Man Uses Electric Scooter To Steal From Walmart

Among the pilfered items: Gold Bond spray.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

March 07, 2017

AUSTRALIA

Even the caterpillars are weird.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

A security guard at the Metropolitan Museum of Art was struck over the head with a bottle by a man who got upset over a painting he said was crooked, according to the NYPD.

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

SKIERS:

Do not click here.

(Thanks to Steve Thompson, who says "Given the state of piercing, it could be a new trend.")

OH THE FELINITY

30K pounds of cat litter spills onto highway

(Thanks to Jon Harris, who says "We're gonna need a bigger cat.")

HE GAINED ENTRANCE BY CLAIMING TO BE DELIVERING A CANDYGRAM*

Man in a shark onesie robs Chch petrol station

(Thanks to Ralph)

*Geezer reference.

THE RESULTS ARE BINDING

The national cheese spotlight this week turns to Wisconsin — where else? — as judges get ready to sniff, taste and touch thousands of samples in the U.S. Championship Cheese Contest.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

WHEW

Very dead sperm whale washes up on Oregon coast, will not be exploded

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE BAD NEWS: NOW SHE HAS TO PAY TAXES ON THEM

Turtle That Ate Nearly 1,000 Coins Recovering From Surgery In Thailand

(Thanks to Gargoyle Socks and Dave N.)

THERE IS NO GOOD REASONS FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Man arrested for 'attacking woman with frying pan' at Edmonton Bus Station

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

March 06, 2017

SOMEBODY WON'T BE GETTING A GOOD RECOMMENDATION

Florida man tries to stab former boss, run him over with a car after getting fired from his job

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO FEIGNING A HEADACHE?

Nevada wife who poisoned her husband's Lucky Charms to avoid having sex with him 'is hiding out in Mexico'

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and Rick Day)

COLLEGE BASKETBALL UPDATE

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the College Basketball Update.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

More info that we cannot link to here.

WASTING AWAY

Jimmy Buffett Launching Margaritaville Retirement Homes

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and The Perts)

FORTUNATELY THE SHOP OWNER WAS ARMED WITH A GRAPEFRUIT

Man tried to rob a fish and chip shop with a banana

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

IN A BOLD ATTEMPT TO MAKE BRITISH FOOD EVEN MORE INEDIBLE

A pie firm has launched a cricket pie ahead of British Pie Week.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

BOMB THREAT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

“Arriving units determined it to be a bong.”

(Thanks to Ralph)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHTS LEFT

Austin man who was ‘having sex with a fence' charged with exposure

(Thanks to Bob Towery, coscolo, Stan Ruth and DaninDallas, who notes that it was a consenting fence)

March 05, 2017

YOU MAY NOW POUR SALSA ON THE BRIDE

Woman hopes to marry in dress made of Taco Bell wrappers

(Thanks to Athol Dickson and Ralph)

THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH

Two violent brawls at a Chuck E. Cheese’s restaurant were caught on camera, showing adults behaving badly in front of children.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Roberto)

THEY HAD BEEN ARGUING 'ABOUT YEARS OF RELATIONSHIP TURMOIL'

Hot chicken broth was woman’s weapon of choice in tiff with man

Guess the state.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

March 04, 2017

REPRESENTING TURTLE LAKE, NORTH DAKOTA

A State Senator Cracked a Fart Joke During Floor Debate Today

(Thanks to oneblankspace)

A BREAKTHROUGH FROM PROFESSOR MIKE WYLLIE

Do women REALLY want chaps to last longer?

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

DR. OF SALADBAROLOGY

An Iowa state lawmaker said Thursday that he didn't mean to mislead anyone by claiming he had a business degree from a company that actually had awarded him a certificate for participating in a training program when he worked at Sizzler.

(Thanks to Steve K.)

YOU MISSED IT, LOSER

Friday was the first National Tartar Sauce Day

(Thanks to Robert Lindsay)

BOLO

TWO crocodiles have been stolen from a mobile zoo in Sydney’s south west.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "There is nothing lower than a crocnapper.")

IN DEPTH?

Have they MET The Blog?

 

March 03, 2017

YIKES

Terrifying eel-like fish that bores into sharks and whales to eat them from the inside captured in rare video

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who asks "Are they in Florida yet?")

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Vero Beach Man Found Naked In Van With Fire Extinguisher

It was a consenting fire extinguisher.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

The smart condom.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

LEAVE THE METH. TAKE THE COOKIES.

Two drug suspects were busted in Mesa with marijuana, methamphetamine and several stolen boxes of Pepperidge Farm cookies.

(Thanks to funny man)

CANADA: A NATION CAREENING TOWARD CHAOS

After 60 years, street hockey will be legal in Hamilton again

(Thanks to The Perts)

PLANET McPLANETFACE

NASA asks Internet to name new planets with predictable results

(Thanks to Roberto)

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE NO. 2,038

...a dozen turkeys endlessly circling a dead cat in the middle of the road.

(Thanks to Ralph)

 
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