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March 17, 2017

SHE'S A DENTAL HYGIENIST. REALLY.

Key West police: Woman bites husband during sex

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "This is a crime now?")

IT IS INDEED

A porn actress, a bogus doc and a butt implant gone bad — it’s a Miami crime story

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY

Let's be careful out there.

"I saw him, and he was basically a green man," Pohlman said, adding that after nurses cleaned off the patient, staffers determined he sustained a concussion and some broken bones.

AND IN SPORTS

Vasectomies peak during March Madness

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

MEANWHILE ABROAD

A Moscow petting zoo is suing a Russian ad agency after they rented a raccoon that was used in a nude photo shoot.

(Thanks to Ralph)

NAME THAT CITY

“The beachgoer made a poor choice when she mounted one of our vehicles."

(Thanks to Ralph)

A GRATEFUL NATION REJOICES

Ohio store's 70-pound, $700 popcorn ball returned after theft

(Thanks to Jon Harris and funny man)

WE SAW M.A.S.M. OPEN FOR THE COWSILLS

Militant' anti-smoking monkey destroys tourist's cigarettes

(Thanks to Ralph)

March 16, 2017

CSI: SANDUSKY

“She got into the bathtub, and they put ketchup all over to make it look like he murdered her.”

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

'DUDE, YOU DID *WHAT* WITH THE COOLER?'

Marijuana-filled cooler worth $24K donated to Goodwill

(Thanks to DaninDallas, who says "Chill, Dude.")

THEY WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT QUARTERS

Pair of coin-operated binoculars stolen in Massachusetts

(Thanks to Poker)

'NETFLIX, YOUTUBE AND SMALL CHILDREN' BLAMED

U.S. study shows people having less sex, especially when they're married

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE'RE GONNA NEED A LOT MORE FROSTING

Westland District Council manager awarded cake decorator's firm $7 million contract to build sewage plant

(Thanks to funny man)

March 15, 2017

NEW JERSEY LEGAL UPDATE

Louann Clem filed the suit in September 2015 saying she suffered mental and physical anguish after Case Pork Roll Co. dismissed her husband because he passed gas too often on the job.

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

BOLO

70-pound popcorn ball, valued at $700, stolen from Ohio shop

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

SOMEBODY HAD TO DO IT

Maryland Man Made a Snowplow Out of His Toilet

(Thanks to Roberto)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

This is the amusing moment a jockey walked past the camera stark naked during live coverage of the Cheltenham Festival.

(Thanks to Roberto)

YOU KNOW YOU WANT THE T-SHIRT

Concerns stem over Innovation Park Middle School's name

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

"stem over?"

WE BELIEVE THE GENERAL SMOKED A CORN COB PIPE

During the party, “historical memorabilia related to General Douglas MacArthur were used by the participants in sexual acts,” according to the indictment.

(Thanks to Barry Phillips)

AUSSIE GUYS IN ACTION

A cycling group has caused a stir online after completing a 202-kilometre ride across Perth, mapping a picture of a goat.

(Thanks to The Perts)

FORTUNATELY IT HAS A VALID DRIVER'S LICENSE

Florida neighborhood on alert for escaped cobra

(Thanks to Rick Day, Ranald Adams, Jay Brandes and Chris Johnson)

March 14, 2017

A WELL-THOUGHT-OUT PLAN

Naked man becomes trapped in the wall of a sandwich shop after lowering himself down on a rope to go looking for a 'wishing well'

(Thanks to Patty Villanova and Le Petomane)

TO BOLDLY GO

German Scientists Grow Tomatoes in Urine in Anticipation of Future Space Expeditions

YEP, THEY'LL DO THAT

Villager arrested on DUI charge tells police officer her golf cart ‘just took off’

In that case, ma'am....

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

EDUCATOR OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Substitute teacher accused of drinking box of wine in front of students

(Thanks to Vernon Bowen, who says "Can't say as I'd blame her.")

COME FOR THE UNLIMITED SALAD BOWL, STAY FOR THE SOLICITATION OF CAPITAL MURDER

Cops: Couple Hired Hitman for Their Exes at Olive Garden

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "Morons. Everyone knows you hire your hitman at Chuck E. Cheese.")

SMOOTH OPERATOR

A man whose company scoops up pet poop has been placed on probation for two years and fined $500 for buying fake Secret Service identification cards and badges online to impress women on a dating site.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

IF HE'D HAVE USED AN EIGHT-FOOTER, THEY'D NEVER HAVE FOUND HIM

Wanted felon finds 6-foot teddy bear doesn't provide adequate cover from the cops

(Thanks to Robert Lindsay)

WHEN POKÉMON CHARACTERS GO BAD

Police Tase Suspect in Pikachu Onesie During Brawl Outside A-Town Bar & Grill

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

DUH. IT WAS FROM FLORIDA.

Mystery solved: Here's why a goat was behind the wheel at the Ottawa Hospital today

(Thanks to The Perts)

SNAKES MAKING NEWS

Cat Gets Snake Up Her Nose

(Thanks to Cassie Silvola)

Snake vomits an entire antelope

(Thanks to Rick Day)

March 13, 2017

SO IMAGINE WHAT SIX DRINKS CAN DO!

A drink may help you recall events more clearly, claim scientists

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

FOR THIS BLOG, THAT'S *EVERY* DAY

It's National Napping Day.

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

BELIEVED TO BE THE SOURCE OF THOSE MYSTERIOUS INTERSTELLAR BURPS

Belgian astronomers who found planetary system named it after beer

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Steve Lipman)

OR A MATURE STAR GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE

Mystery flashes may be aliens at work, say scientists

(Thanks to Ralph)

DO-IT-YOURSELFER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Atherton told police the explosion occurred when he was trying to pour paint thinner in his toilet to clear a clog. Police said they found items associated with meth manufacturing at the explosion site.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, who asks "Is this like bathtub gin?")

CANADIAN WEATHER UPDATE

You don't want to know.

(Thanks to The Perts)

NAME THAT STATE!

Drunken man steals forklift after losing car keys, sheriff says

He looks contrite.

Screen Shot 2017-03-13 at 5.58.05 AM

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez and Jon Harris)

March 12, 2017

DA-DUM... DA-DUM...

More great white sharks appear to be visiting off Cape Cod

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

THIS JUST IN

Japan’s giant wooden penis parade

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

THEY WILL SETTLE FOR NOTHING LESS THAN TOTAL DOMINATION OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM

Has a SQUIRREL been found on Mars?

(Thanks to funny man)

TO SERVE AND PROTECT

Miami police officer accused of stealing from drivers he pulled over

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

March 11, 2017

FAR BE IT FROM THIS BLOG TO JUDGE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING

But this mom is an idiot.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'FEDERAL GOVERNMENT' DOES NOTHING

Waldo has gotten smaller

(Thanks to The Perts)

AKA IN FLORIDA AS 'CRUISING SPEED'

Woman faces DUI charge after drive up I-95 topped 120 mph

Excerpt: Records show she has a Peru driver’s license...

We assume she will be issued a Florida license immediately.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Q. DOES THE BLOG'S STRICT POLICY OF NOT MAKING FUN OF NAMES APPLY TO PLACE NAMES?

A. Yes.

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes)

'SHE DOESN'T CARROT ALL'

Teen who replaced sister's goldfish with baby carrots is still waiting for her to notice

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Ralph)

DEMOCRACY

Judge Timothy Cissna ruled this afternoon that the phrase "insert fart smell here," will remain in special elections material  to be distributed to Southern Humboldt voters this spring.

(Thanks to Ralph)

March 10, 2017

IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET:

The best BBC report ever.

HE'S UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE

Horrified mum claims her toddler's Thomas The Tank Engine toy says 'F*** a duck'

(Thanks to Ralph)

 
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