Dave Barry's Blog

CSI: MINNEAPOLIS

Found it: Deputy looking for cow in road hits cow in road 

(Thanks to Gael Cooper)

'ARTIST'

A-listers flew eyebrow artist 7,500 miles to do their brows for the Oscars

HE HAS RISEN

'Jesus' gets cross stuck in underground station roof as he travels up the escalator and shouts 'oh s***'

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

GUYS IN ACTION

Construction workers take on dizzying 'Cement Mixer Challenge'

This could explain why "construction" always seems to take so long.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

$20 debt leads to melee at Palm Coast Girl Scout cookie stand

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

MEN:

For the love of God, DO NOT CLICK HERE.

("Thanks" to Jeff Meyerson)

FLORIDAAAAAAA

Investigators are seeking to identify the Florida bank customer who included a bag of cocaine along with cash deposited at an ATM machine, records show.

(Thanks to Ralph)

SO MUCH FOR CUDDLY

A three-foot-long panda was spotted in southwest China eating a goat

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE

Car stopped on motorway after parrot spotted on steering wheel

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE HAVE NO GOOD REASON TO POST THIS

But that will not stop us.

PROMOTION OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Master Wei Yaobin, known as the "Iron Crotch Kung Fu Master," appeared in a video alongside some of his students taking strong kicks to the groin, as well as being hit in the privates with objects including bricks and a battering ram.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

YOU KNOW WHICH SIDE THIS BLOG IS ON

A ‘Squirrel Slam’ Lures Hunters and Protesters to Western New York

(Thanks to Vernon Bowen and Ranald Adams)

THIS BLOG SUSPECTS THAT ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

This is the moment a fight broke out on a packed train after a woman put a bagel on another passenger's head.

(Thanks to Roberto)

KENTUCKY SPORTS REPORT

Police use taser on woman running naked with Corbin track team

This has been your Kentucky Sports Report.

(Thanks to The Fourth George)

'HOW CAN THIS EVEN HAPPEN IN GREEN BAY?'

A Wisconsin man has been sentenced to three-and-a-half years in prison for amputating a woman’s finger with a machete and then drinking her blood during a ritual to honor a fellow fan of the Insane Clown Posse hip-hop duo.

It gets weirder.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Jon Harris)

IT SHOULD NOT BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Suspect uses snow in robbery of Rochester barber shop

(Thanks to Dave Emery)

SEND IT TO WASHINGTON

Grey 'blob' takes seat in Ukraine parliament

(Thanks to Ralph)

Related: Giant white 'hairy blob' washes up in the Philippines

(Thanks to Rick Day)

BOLO

A sasquatch investigator is looking into extremely large footprints found near Seattle

Autoplay.

(Thanks to The Perts)

'ON DISPLAY'

Man kicked out of shopping centre for wearing shorts that were too short

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AND AFTER OHIO, FLORIDA

A man who said he was driving home to Ohio — yet was headed northbound on Telegraph Road — had an alcohol level almost four times the legal limit for drunk driving, Bloomfield Township police said.

He looks fine to us.

(Thanks to Alan Dean)

GUYS IN ACTION

Man stopped at red light uses slingshot to take out traffic camera

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAA

Naked man wrestles Melbourne police in rain

In that case, sir, you are free to go: “He pulled over and took off all of his clothes on top of the causeway. Then he started running around yelling, ‘I am God.’” 

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FOR THIS WE LEFT EGYPT?

Along with Alan Zweibel and Adam Mansbach -- who are both actually Jewish -- I've co-written, just in time for Passover, a parody Haggadah called For This We Left Egypt? We'll be talking about it Thursday, March 9 at the New York Public Library; if you'd like to join us, you can register here.

IT'S A START, BUT THIS BLOG WOULD PREFER NUCLEAR WEAPONS

Prince Charles has lent his support to a government-backed plan to sterilise grey squirrels and cut the population by more than 90 per cent in order to save the native red squirrel.  The Prince of Wales is said to approve of a scheme that would give grey squirrels a contraceptive that lasts several years, hidden inside chocolate spread, preventing millions of births.

(Thanks to Steve Partridge)

'HE GOT OVER IT'

Dead body in Aldershot reported to police was actually a man sleeping

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

THIS COULD CATCH ON

Update: This is old. Judi has been fired for the second time in a matter of minutes.

Woman ends up in hospital after 'confusing builder’s foam with her hair mousse'

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

GET RID OF IT *NOW*

How your brain could be KILLING you

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

WE WILL GET RIGHT ON IT

You haven’t fired Judy for a while.  Is everything okay between you two?

Maybe you should fire her again just so she doesn’t feel like you don’t care.

-- Bill Ostroot

'OFFICIALS SAID HE WAS LOOKING FOR HIS DOG'

Man found hanging naked, upside down from Mississippi tree

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Mr. Tom Shroder)

PORNO PARSNIPS

Hunt is on for Britain's RUDEST vegetable as gardeners encouraged to grow saucy crops

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

ALL WE KNOW AT THIS POINT IS THAT IT HAS A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Mystery as massive hairy blob-like ‘monster’ washes up on beach in the Philippines

(Thanks to Dave D)

THOSE THINGS SHOULD NOT BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Texas A&M police arrested a man after he stabbed a woman in the backside with a pitchfork, police said.

Carl Turner, Jr. was on the College Station campus gathering pitchforks on Tuesday when he got into a fight, a police report said.

(Thanks to L Raymond)

"Gathering pitchforks?"

THE ALLEGED LINGERIE THIEF WEIGHED 300 POUNDS

A Winter Garden police officer is recovering after breaking his knee cap during a struggle with a man accused of stealing more than $750 worth of merchandise from a Victoria’s Secret store, officials say.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

WE SAW THEM ETC.

Ball-rolling bees reveal complex learning

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet)

SACRILEGE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Police said a naked woman broke into a Connecticut church and went on a rampage with a fire extinguisher, destroying items inside Wednesday.

We can't believe this didn't happen in Florida.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CANADA: A NATION GRIPPED BY TERROR

Wandering squirrel leaves 12,000 Canadians without power

(Thanks to John Mayson and Ralph)

BUT IT TURNED OUT THAT SHE ONLY NEEDED FOUR DAYS

Is there such a thing as Canadian cuisine? One woman went on a five-year quest to find out

(Thanks to The Perts)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAA

Man claims dog shot sleeping woman

(Thanks to Chris Johnson and funny man)

'FREE THE NIPPLE'

A federal judge has ordered the city of Fort Collins to stop enforcing a policy that bans women from showing their breasts in public.

(Thanks to funny man)

NAKED CAME THE GIRAFFE

Giraffe stream flagged on YouTube for 'nudity & sexual content', park says

(Thanks to Roberto)

'SEX IS ALSO AN EXCELLENT FORM OF EXERCISE'

Swedish politician proposes to give employees paid time off to have sex

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

FLORIDA SPORTSPERSONS IN ACTION

One Florida fishing pier is cracking down on vengeful fishermen who have gone as far as defecating on the piers in order to mark their space.

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

When incorporated into the bottle, it enables the ketchup or any other liquid to just slide out without leaving a trace.

(Thanks to John Gregg)

WE ALSO SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE CLASH

Irish politician wants to call in army to combat 'aggressive' rhododendrons

(Thanks to Ralph)

HE WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT PINK FURRY SLIPPERS

A north Texas man made anything but a clean escape after allegedly breaking into a home, taking a shower and changing into the homeowner's Betty Boop pajamas.

(Thanks to L. Raymond)

REST EAST, NEW ZEALAND: YOUR NIGHTMARE IS OVER

Police bust house with over 300 stolen garden ornaments

(Thanks to Ralph)

AT LEAST THEY'RE NOT RADIOACTIVE

Fearing "feral hog apocalypse," Texas approves drastic measures

We saw Feral Hog Apocalypse open for the Clash.

(Thanks to Chris Johnson and Jeff Meyerson)

TODAY'S THE DAY

You know what to do.

(Thanks to funny man)

IT'S NOT MYSTERIOUS TO THIS BLOG

Mysterious lost Chacoan civilisation was ruled by women

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

STAY CLASSY, BOSTON

Following a string of local bar assaults involving glassware, the city’s Liquor Licensing Board is moving to crack down on establishments where patrons have suffered injuries related to glasses holding drinks. Watering holes with repeat offenses could have to use plastic barware in lieu of the real deal — no matter how upscale the joint.

(Thanks to Poker)