Dave Barry's Blog

BOLO FOR THE YOB

Runners in a posh town say they are being attacked by a mystery yob who is throwing vegetables  at them.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

A new record at the World Haggis Hurling Championships was set on Sunday at the home of Robert Burns, as part of festivities to mark the birth of Scotland's national poet.

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE'VE BEEN ON FLIGHTS LIKE THAT

Saudi prince buys plane tickets for his 80 birds of prey

(Thanks to Le Petomane, Jan in in Grimsby and Fabian Marson)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

A woman who had been asleep on her couch woke up to find the suspect, identified as Steven Charles Kirkland, 32, wearing the Sponge Bob outfit.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

The Earth Is Farting on the Moon

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

FLORIDAAAAAAA

Fla. pastor flees naked and afraid, begs forgiveness for tryst

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GOOD NEWS!

Our world is an illusion and we are all living in a 'vast and complex hologram' say astrophysicists

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "This explains so much.")

UNCANNY RESEMBLANCE

A huge mouth and no anus – this could be our earliest known ancestor

(Thanks to Ralph, Ross C., Bryan Matthews, Le Petomane, Peter Metrinko and The Perts) (Also Bill Hudgins, who says "Over time, this predicament was overcorrected.")

PENNSYLVANIA CRIME REPORT

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Pennsylvania Crime Report.

(Thanks to Ralph)

MIAMI AVIATION UPDATE

More than $400,000 worth of cocaine was discovered hidden in the nose of an American Airlines plane on Sunday.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and Layla)

'HER WORK HAS GOTTEN HER ATTENTION FROM ALL AROUND THE WORLD'

Texas mom that makes jewelry out of breast milk appears on 'Steve Harvey'

(Thanks to Ross Couples)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

Woman with enlarged breasts is forced to leave Tesla technology exhibition over fears electro-magnetic fields could cause her implants to explode

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

FUN COUPLE

In the envelopes, the recipients would find a threatening message often accompanied by toilet paper stained with the couple's pet dog's excrements.

(Thanks to Ross C.)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, DUDE

Marijuana-smoked turkey now served in Denver at Cook's Fresh Market

(Thanks to Glenda Mostek)

BECAUSE WE DON'T ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH THINGS TO BE ALARMED ABOUT

Corn turning French hamsters into deranged cannibals

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Ralph)

SEND IT TO WASHINGTON

N.B. couple used giant manure heap to harass neighbours, judge rules

(Thanks to Roberto and The Perts)

EW

Seriously: Ew.

(Thanks to Steve K.)

DUDE

Police in Ohio were called to a home by a man who said he was “too high” and found him in the fetal position surrounded by Doritos.

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT'LL TURN UP

A man recently called the Niceville Police Department to complain that a dog may have eaten his hearing aid. He wanted an officer to figure out how he could get it back.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE SAW THE OTTAWA CROTCH TEXTERS OPEN FOR WHITESNAKE

Watch out 'crotch texters', the police are looking down on you

(Thanks to The Perts)

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN FLORIDA

A man is accused of stabbing a tribal police officer with a pen after he and his wife were denied re-entry to a casino because she urinated on herself, the FBI says.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

MEANWHILE ABROAD

‘Psychic’ cat sold for £67k to a Russian witch after ‘ruining’ previous owner’s marriage

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS

There are Giant Clouds of Alcohol Floating in Space

(Thanks to Chris Johnson)

ALWAYS A SHREWD LEGAL STRATEGY

When police stopped Katsabanis, 21, he handed over a “slightly burnt marijuana joint” and apologized to the officer.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

When asked why he had crack cocaine in his car, Brown replied: “Because I smoke it. Don’t I look like it?”

Guess the state.

(Thanks to Thayer Conrad)

FLORIDAAAAAAA

Woman Flashes Judge in Broward Bond Court

(Thanks to Ross Couples)

Update: This is old and was posted in error, which will not save judi from being fired.

ECONOMIC OUTLOOK IMPROVES

Police investigate money ‘falling from the sky’ in downtown Indianapolis

(Thanks to Ross C. and Le Petomane)

HE RECEIVED TWO LLAMAS IN CHANGE

Driver leaves camel at toll booth after disagreement with staff

(Thanks to Ralph, who asks "Why didn't they call for a camel tow?")

FLORIDA ARREST REPORT

One suspect looks highly suspicious.

(Thanks to funny man)

'LIKE UNDERWATER SPIDERMEN'

The US Navy's new wonder material is synthetic hagfish slime

(Thanks to Ralph)

LITTLE CAN BE DONE, AS THEY ALL HAVE VALID DRIVERS' LICENSES

Florida neighbors urge HOA to do something about home-invading wild boars

We saw them open for Phish.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

DUDE, WANNA DO SOME BURGER KING?

...authorities heard reports of drugs being sold through the drive-thru window using the code word “fries extra crispy.”

(Thanks to Poker)

MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Spiritual healer cures blindness by licking patients' EYEBALLS after sterilising mouths with booze

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Ross Couples)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

Man attacks family and sets Fresno home ablaze in fracas over 'inadequate' cigarette, police say

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

'TRENDY'

San Francisco residents are now playing RUSSIAN ROULETTE with tasers in a trendy bar

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

STILL, IT'S TRAGIC

Police investigating reports of a dead body left on a street in the Mexican capital say it turned out to be just a discarded Christmas tree.

(Thanks to Ralph)

MARY TYLER MOORE

Damn. She was a wonderful comedic actress. For a time she was part of the best sitcom, maybe the best show, on TV. Damn.

Update:

Not a cute article to try to get something posted, but just to second your "Damn" about MTM.  RIP. She was indeed a wonderful person and her show was SO good.  If you have a chance, you might want to mention that she was very active with JDRF (Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation), an organization that is near and dear to my heart, as my wife of over 30 years was diagnosed with Type I Diabetes when she was three and, unhappily, my daughter was diagnosed at age 20 (she is now 23).  It is an insidious disease that requires 24/7 maintenance of blood sugar.  It is a completely different disease than Type 2 Diabetes, which usually can be managed with diet and exercise.  Type 1 (Juvenile Diabetes) is an auto-immune disease.  Anyway, TMI I know, but if you have a chance to raise awareness of Type 1, it would be a wonderful thing.  Full disclosure: I am on the Board of my local JDRF Chapter and as mentioned have two family members with the disease. JDRF is one of the most efficient charities in the country and Mary Tyler Moore did so much for us.  Her passing makes me very sad.

All the best,

Jeffrey Brown

BUSY BUSY MAN

After the birth of a daughter, she discovered she was not the only wife of her husband.

In fact, she was "his 25th wife!"

(Thanks to Ross Couples)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

Scientists have discovered the secret to happiness - and it's stripping off and getting naked

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

YET MANY OF US THINK WITH THEM

A chimpanzee’s testes weigh more than a third of its brain while ours weigh in at less than 3%.

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

CARRY ONE WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES

A woman flew through a tornado in a bathtub and survived

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and Le Petomane, who says: "Soon to be a ride at Disneyland.")

NEVER SELL DRUGS TO A KANGAROO

Truckie jailed after giant kangaroo helps foil drug deal

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

When deputies arrived on scene, they reported they saw Raulerson, listed as ex-military, without pants on and blaring music from his vehicle. Deputies asked Raulerson to put his clothes on, to which he responded “they took off running by themselves without me.”

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

A Florida woman was arrested last night after she pelted a cop with a “wet” used tampon, which a police report  characterized as a “deadly weapon.”

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

ART UPDATE FROM DOWN UNDER

Australian Artist Creates Golden Clitoris Statue

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

FLORIDAAAAAAA

Man with mop on head seeks egg in Port St. Lucie

(Thanks to John Mayson, Jeff Meyerson, Ross C. and Ralph)

TWANGED WHAT?

Consultant bowel surgeon, 59, wrote love letter telling female patient she had 'twanged some distant cord' in him just weeks after he gave her a colonoscopy

(Thanks to Roberto)

PROOF ENOUGH FOR THIS BLOG

Bigfoot hunters say claw marks are evidence of 'Alabama Booger Monster'

(Thanks to Rick Day)

CSI: NEW HAMPSHIRE

Manchester woman cuts herself performing sword tricks, gets arrested

(Thanks to Poker)

WHERE'S THE FIRE, DUDE?

A fire at a recreational marijuana shop sent smoke billowing through Seattle's Lake City neighborhood early Tuesday morning.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts and B'game)

CLASSY!

She posted online that the rat was running around her feet, then told a waitress who offered $30 in discounts after writing "SEEN RAT" on the receipt.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "In Florida there is no discount as the restaurant would go bankrupt.")