Dave Barry's Blog

CANADIAN TERRORISM UPDATE

Canadians sent home for trying to sneak cat into New Zealand

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

PROTECTING YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE FROM YOUR CAT

There are ways.

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

MONTREAL ERECTS A TREE

...and it's dysfunctional.

(Thanks to Ross Couples)

GUYS IN ACTION

We're guessing he's single. And we're hoping he remains that way.

Advisory: Bad words, stupidity.

(Thanks to Scott MGS)

SCIENCE WANTS TO KNOW:

Does One Armpit Smell Like the Other?

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

THE BUCKEYE STATE LEADS THE WAY

Ohio outlaws sex with animals

(Thanks to L. Schutjer)

ALSO, KALE IS LETHAL

Eating more red meat does NOT hurt your heart

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

CSI: BULGARIA

£700,000 worth of coke found in Pepsi

(Thanks to Another Ralph, who says "it's the real thing.")

WOOF, DUDE

Lacing Dog Treats With Cannabis Is Big Business

Related: Spaniels 'drunk' from lapping up Christmas booze

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

FOR THE RECORD, IT'S A FEMALE ELEPHANT

Savage elephant farts directly on friend’s head

(Thanks to Ross Couples)

IMAGINE WHAT COULD HAPPEN AT A DRUG ENFORCEMENT AGENCY LUNCHEON

70 staff members ill after Department of Health luncheon

(Thanks to Le Petomane, Ross C. and Another Ralph)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Woman has no idea who owns meth, syringes

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "In that case, ma'am, you are free to go.")

'TONY CAN SEND 5 TEXTS AND 3 NUDES IN 19 MINUTES.'

An Ohio middle school teacher was reprimanded for an "inappropriate" math lesson that called on students to answer a sexting-related algebra problem.

(Thanks to Ross C. and Ralph)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

East Icelanders tell TV weatherman to stop standing in front of their region

(Thanks to The Perts)

AMERICA'S FUNNEST RESTAURANT

Five adults were arraigned on assault, weapons, and other charges following an alcohol-fueled weekend melee at the Chuck E. Cheese’s in Everett.

(Thanks to Ranald Adams)

'ROOT VEGETABLE'

Her mid-flight meal contained six large dumplings and something that resembled a penis.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby, W. von Papineau, Ross C. and Ralph)

GUYS IN ACTION

The test appears to have gone according to plan, but the can of spray paint ends up launched right toward the man -- and strikes him in the groin.

(Thanks to Ross Couples)

IMPORTANT HUMAN RIGHTS UPDATE

Man wins OK to wear goat horns in driver's license photo

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

AN APOLOGY IS NOT ENOUGH

Duval school district apologizes for cheeseburger flatbread served to students at lunch

(Thanks to Ralph)

CASE CLOSED

Wife thought husband was having an affair because he had a shave and a hair cut

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YET ANOTHER ALLEGED TREND THIS BLOG WILL NOT BE PARTICIPATING IN

Purple food.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

FIRST SANTA, AND NOW THIS

Chewbacca Is Collared By Police Force

Again, see if you can guess the state.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

NAME THAT STATE!

Santa busted for allegedly selling drugs

(Thanks to Rick Day)

SHE DOES NOT COOK

Japanese firm unveils 'virtual wife' to battle loneliness

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

THAT WILL TEACH HIM

Uber driver in Michigan stabs passenger five times, says he ‘disrepected’ the car

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE SURPRISING?

Nearly half of men would have sex with robots

(Thanks to funny man and Andrew Mendez)

ADVISORY

"Without regular erections, the penis can shrink by one or two centimetres,” the urologist warns.

(Thanks to Ross Couples)

TODAY'S WINTER GOLF TIP:

Wear a flotation device.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

WHEN ARTICHOKE DIP GOES BAD

"But there's no vinegar!"

(Thanks to Ross Couples)

SO MAYBE WE'LL RECONSIDER THOSE LARGE HIDEOUS EAR PLUGS

Some doctors, like Sterman, say they are noticing more and more millennials coming in because their ears have become deformed from overpiercing and need reconstructive surgery.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, who asks "Who could have seen this coming?")

AVIATION SAFETY MEASURE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Black Goat Is Sacrificed On Tarmac Of Pakistani Airport

(Thanks to Ralph and Gargoyle Socks, who says "They tried doing in-flight, but failed because all they had available was a plastic spork.")

HIS MOM DROVE HIM TO THE ER

Painful image of man's penis after he 'strangles' it by putting wedding ring on 'for erotic reasons'

(Thanks to Ross Couples)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICERS?

Florida police arrest man after he tried to break into a home wearing nothing but pants on his arms

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

THIS DOESN'T RESULT IN A MASS TRANSITION TO TOFU, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL

Woman lies down naked in protest against Christmas dinner

(Thanks to Ross Couples)

YOU KNOW WHO ORDERED THE HIT

'He's a medium build with white hair': Police issue bizarre appeal after SHEEP 'assaults' officer

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Ross Couples)

HO HO HO NOOOOOOOOO

A 4,000-strong army of candy cane-wielding Santa Claus clones does battle with 11,000 penguins in this epic holiday-themed virtual war.

(Thanks to Ross Couples)

FLORIDAAAAAAA

Hernando deputies arrest meth dealer named 'Disney'

(Thanks to Tim Stoops)

JUST IN TIME FOR HOLIDAY GIVING

Thai Company Wants to Sell You This $1,500 Ghost Repelling Device

(Thanks to Jeff Schneider)

SCIENCE SAYS:

WOMEN ENJOY SEX MORE THAN MEN DO

(Thanks to Ross Couples)

WE ARE LOSING OUR CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS, DUDE

A McAdory High School English teacher was arrested on a felony drug charge, tried to tamper with the evidence and then was surprised she couldn't take her marijuana with her into the Birmingham City Jail, according to police reports.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

'TIS THE SEASON...

...for the UK to get hammered.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

#REINDEERBOOB

Women decorating breasts to look like reindeer in weird Internet craze

(Thanks to Ross Couples)

THE DOWNSIDE OF VEGETARIANISM

Uranus might be full of surprises

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

CSI: BETHLETHEM

Police say a woman stole baby Jesus from a Nativity scene in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, and dropped the figurine off at a hospital with a note explaining that the baby had been "neglected" by his parents, "Joseph and Mary Christ."

"Joseph and Mary Christ?"

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes)

AFTER YOU EAT THEM, YOU CAN USE THE BAG TO BARF INTO

Haggis-flavored potato chips

(Thanks to funny man, Ralph and Le Petomane)

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT AUSTRALIA COULDN'T GET ANY MORE AUSTRALIAN

Woman finds deadly snake in her Christmas tree

(Thanks to Phil McAvity, Steve Partridge and Nigel Grout)

CANADA: THE TERROR CONTINUES

The frozen pants: a Calgary mystery

(Thanks to The Perts)

AW

Booby found on UK beach flown back to Caribbean home

(Thanks to Ralph and Le Petomane, who says "I thought they came in pairs.")

WE WONDER WHAT HIS FRIENDS CALL HIM

Deep sea shark with retractable PENIS on its forehead filmed in wild for first time

(Thanks to Ross Couples)

NOTED

A gynaecologist actually has to tell people not to keep fruit in their vagina

(Thanks to funny man)