Dave Barry's Blog

PERHAPS THIS IS WHY IT'S A BUDGET AIRLINE

An Indonesian budget airline has fired a pilot suspected of trying to fly a plane while he was drunk, and two of its executives are resigning.

(Thanks to Ross C. and Steve K.)

NAME THAT STATE!

Elderly man angry about promotional mailer attacks salesman with golf club

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

Jupiter woman with dagger threatens brother who ate dumpling

(Thanks to Ralph)

THIS JUST IN

Scientists design heat-activated penis implant

(Thanks to Jon Harris, who says "That seems like it could be uncomfortable during the summer months.")

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL YOU AMAZING (IN A GOOD WAY) (MOSTLY) BLOG PEOPLE

Really. And if you're a Miami resident, please don't shoot.

WORST. YEAR. EVER.

Here's my review of 2016.

STAND TALL, MIAMI

Miami Fan Punches West Virginia Fan With Prosthetic Leg in Bathroom Fight

Advisory: Unsportspersonlike language.

Clarification: The Miami fan did not use a prosthetic leg to punch the West Virginia fan.

(Thanks to Mr. Paul Levine)

WHO SAYS TODAY'S YOUTHS LACK INITIATIVE?

6-year-old uses sleeping mom's thumb to break into phone to buy $250 in Pokemon toys

(Thanks to PirateBoy)

NOTE, HOWEVER, THAT THEY ARE ALL CURRENTLY DEAD

Romans Used to Ward Off Sickness with Flying Penis Amulets

(Thanks to Chris Johnson)

APPROPRIATE

A grammar school Christmas party called the 'Snow Ball' was shut down by police after bags of cocaine were found in the toilets.

(Thanks to Ross Couples)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Woman sings Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em, calls cop 'sexy' in Stuart

(Thanks to ubetcha and Jeff Meyerson)

A SUPPORT PEACOCK?

Too many air passengers fly with phony support pets, critics say

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Naked dead body reported to police turns out to be a discarded blow up doll

(Thanks to Ralph)

CSI: PUNE

Indian police in Pune hold 'snake venom smugglers'

(Thanks to wiredog, who says they put on a heckuva show at Coachella)

THIS BLOG IS PREPARED TO PROVIDE EXPERT TESTIMONY

Contractor sues couple, claiming pet squirrel attack

(Thanks to John Mayson)

IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT MIAMI IS NUMBER ONE

Here are the worst red-light runners in Florida

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

2016 PERSONIFIED

Guy throws up all over his paragliding instructor several times in midair

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

WE'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN...

Furious bride attacks 'drunk' groom and launches into expletive-filled rant in the back of taxi on their way home from wedding

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE CAN'T BELIEVE THIS TOOK SO LONG

Sweaters for drones.

(Thanks to Ralph)

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

A Reading man is behind bars for allegedly opening fire on what he said were clowns running around inside his home.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAA

Shuffleboard rage.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

SWELL

Think sharks are scary? There’s a new critter swimming in Biscayne Bay

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Woman attacks party guest with grandma’s Christmas tree

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR COUNTING CROWS

Ice cream cakes recalled for undeclared walnuts

(Thanks to Monique)

WE'RE OK WITH THE ACNE, THANKS

Indian Villagers Are Drinking Cow Urine to Cure Acne

(Thanks to manual tomato)

'DO NOT APPROACH THE BEAR'

Bear attacks TV presenter and drags her to floor on show about how dangerous animals can be

(Thanks to Ross Couples)

SHE WAS RELEASED AFTER THE 5-YEAR-OLD PRODUCED A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE

Stopped Ohio motorist handed 5-year-old son sippy cup with wine, police say

(Thanks to Jon Harris and pharmaross)

THE FORCE FAILS TO AWAKEN

Oregon man locked inside movie theater after falling asleep during 'Star Wars'

(Thanks to Craig Roberts and Jon Harris)

GUYS IN ACTION, HOLIDAY EDITION

Crazy Bills Fans Celebrate Christmas By Choke-Slamming Santa Through a Table at Tailgate

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

For the Record:

ACTUALLY, BY FLORIDA STANDARDS IT *WAS* PRETTY SUBTLE

Woman offers police more than subtle innuendo

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Kissenger Robotic kisser lets you make out from afar

(Thanks to Rick Day)

HO HO HO

Mayor hires strippers to perform for pensioners' Christmas dinner

Advisory: Stripper, surprised seniors

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

Christmas service accidentally prints words to Tupac's ‘Hail Mary’ instead of carol

Stunned cops find cannabis plant disguised as CHRISTMAS TREE covered in tinsel, fairy lights and topped with Angel

(Thanks to Ross Couples and Debbie in Den Haag)

HO HO HO

Merry Christmas to everybody from Coral Gables, where Santa travels via fire truck.

В таком случае, сэр, вы свободны.*

A Russian drunk driver who rammed his way into Kazan International Airport chased by police has told a court he was meeting a lady friend and "fighting for love".

^*In that case, sir, you are free to go.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAA

A South Florida beauty queen is charged with attacking a man during a drunken party at her home.

(Thanks to Jon Harris, who says "not Miss Congeniality.")

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Man disguised as Father Christmas hands out sweets before robbing a bank

Guy on YouTube blows up a Christmas tree with dynamite.

(Thanks to Ross C. and Roberto)

TO ALL YOU BLOG FOLKS WHO BELONG TO THE TRIBE:

Happy Chanukah, however you choose to spell it. 

TIME FOR A WALL ON THE NORTHERN BORDER

Pantless Canadian passenger is detained for 'hijacking a baggage-towing vehicle and driving on tarmac at Orlando airport after he was barred from flight for behaving erratically'

(Thanks to The Perts, Patty Villanova and Ralph)

AHEM

Vet catches bird flu from a cat

CSI: DENNY'S

The cop learned that workers Nancy Michelle Kirkpatrick, 56, and Quanisha Dre’Shawn Fenn, 21, had “got into an argument over a hard boiled egg.” During the squabble, Fenn said, Kirkpatrick called her a “bitch.” “After that,” a cop reported, “Ms. Fenn called her mother.”

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Smartphone toilet paper' at Tokyo airport

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

'IT'S MORE STABLE THAN A SAMSUNG PHONE'

A hand grenade was used to crack walnuts for 25 years by a villager in China who had no idea what he was using until he saw a photo of a grenade on a leaflet handed out by local police.

(Thanks to Ross Couples)

THE EXCITEMENT MOUNTS

Idaho Potato Drop unveils new GlowTato

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

OTHER THAN THAT IT WAS A LOVELY AFFAIR

Awoyemi tweeted that the brawl was sparked after the bride's ex allegedly placed [photos] on guest tables of her performing a sex act.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Ross Couples)

CANADA: A NATION IN CHAOS

Someone in Alberta rode a Zamboni to a Tim Hortons drive-thru

(Thanks to Dave N., Ralph and PirateBoy)

The Beer Store has appointed Charles Dougall as Ontario’s first beer ombudsman.

(Thanks to The Perts)

POLITICAL UPDATE

Trump chooses Sean Spicer for press secretary

But we know who Sean's FIRST choice was:

HOORAY

A Swedish doctor nicknamed 'Dr Anal' because of his controversial massage techniques to cure ailments such as headaches could soon be allowed to work again.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

THE OTHER END OF THE AXIS IS OF COURSE SQUIRRELS

One conservancy organization has called cats the "ecological axis of evil."

(Thanks to Steve K.)

THIS IS AFTER YOUR CIRCUMCISION

YOU MIGHT SPEND 2 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE HUNGOVER

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

FIRST YOU GET THREE LITERS OF VODKA

Millions of adult men are being urged to have circumcisions. So how does it work?

(Thanks to funny man)

AFTER IT PRODUCED A DRIVER'S LICENSE

Florida woman allowed to keep her clothes-wearing pet alligator

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)