Dave Barry's Blog

UPDATE ON THE SQUIRREL ATTACK ON THE POLITICIAN

Turns out the politician was anti-squirrel.

(Thanks to everybody on the Internet)

IT'S BACK!

...for now.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

OH, THE HUMANITY!

Britain descends into total unutterable chaos for Black Friday

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

LAST TIME WE SAW THEM, THEY WERE OPENING FOR STEPPENWOLF

NASA on the hunt for space poop geniuses

(Thanks to Craig Roberts, Phil McAvity and Al Barkafski)

'THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY'

Fight over cereal ended with bomb threat, Goshen police say

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

SOUTH FLORIDA WILDLIFE REPORT

Naked woman swims to fountain in the middle of a lake, is escorted back to shore

THERE ARE NO SAFE SPACES IN THAT COUNTRY

Giant spider hatches dozens of babies in Australian woman's mailbox

(Thanks to Jeff Schneider)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, BLOG PEOPLE

 Let's be careful out there.

KENTUCKY!

Remarkably, Walmart employees did not call police to report that someone had driven through the store on a gas-powered vehicle.

 

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

WE'RE BETTING HE SUES HIMSELF, AND WINS

DRUNK DRIVER RUNS OVER HIMSELF IN FLORIDA

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS A LOVELY AFFAIR

Groom's mistress crashes wedding wearing same dress as the bride

(Thanks to The Perts)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

A woman was angry her houseguests wouldn’t leave — so she started shooting at them, police say

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Al Barkaski, DaninDallas, coscolo, Jim Kenaston, AndyV, Holland Daze, Nancy Gill, John Mayson, The Perts, Rick Day, Michael Huber and Roberto) (And many more of you, it turns out, but my fingers are getting tired here) (Sorry if I left out your name) (Judi will of coiurse be fired) 

ALL YOU NEED ARE SOME COMMON KITCHEN IMPLEMENTS AND A SMALL DOG

A Foolproof Thanksgiving Turkey Recipe

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

WHEREAS BEER DOESN'T GIVE A CRAP

Gwyneth Paltrow thinks negative words and sounds can hurt water’s feelings

(Thanks to manual tomato)

MEN:

Do NOT click here.

(Thanks to Ralph)

YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO

Don’t Flush Sodium Down The Toilet

(Thanks to John Lobert)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Fondoodler is a "hot glue gun” - but for cheese.

(Thanks to Steve Thompson, who also sends this related item: Microwave Me: Cheese Whiz)

'SPITTING OUT BILLS'

In Taiwan and Thailand earlier this year, the criminals programmed bank ATMs to spew cash. Gang members stood in front of the machines at the appointed hour and collected millions of dollars.

(Thanks to Steve K, who says "Big deal. My non-programmer wife can do this.")

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Group accused of using frozen meatballs, slingshot in Cleveland vandalism spree

(Thanks to Stever)

INCREDIBLY, THIS ATTEMPT FAILED

Amherst Police: Woman attempts to use pizza slice as ID

Yet it would totally pass muster as a Florida driver's license.

(Thanks to KJP)

INCREDIBLY, NOT A SAMSUNG PRODUCT

A robot went out of control at the China Hi-Tech Fair 2016 in Shenzhen on Thursday, smashing a glass window and injuring a visitor. The robot that went violent is named “Fatty” and is designed for household use.

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

THEY WILL STOP AT NOTHING

Ald. Brookins Seriously Hurt When Squirrel Gets Stuck In His Bicycle Spokes

(Thanks to Betsy Ray, Gary Bickford and Jordan Graham)

FLORIDA IS THE VEGETABLES SECTION

Aliens ‘use our planet like a supermarket’, claims former CIA employee

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

*BAD* PUDSEY

Pudsey Bear’s penis made it into a family photo

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BUT IT'S OK: THEY ALL HAVE VALID DRIVERS' LICENSES

Herpes-positive monkeys reported in Florida

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

WE DON'T F*&%#@G CARE

Is Cursing Bad Or Good For You?

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!

Kenyan vasectomies broadcast live on Facebook

(Thanks to Ralph)

$5 MILLION SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT

Krispy Kreme is being sued for $5 million by a man who feels the company is swindling its customers by not using real fruit in its fruit-flavored doughnuts.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and Kevin Smith)

SAD NEWS

From nursecindy: I just wanted to let you know that one of our "old" blogits, Clay Steiner, died yesterday.  He blogged under the name writerdude.

Here's a picture of me with Clay (from his Facebook page) after a Rock Bottom Remainders concert in Denver some years back. We used to toss kazoos into the crowd at the end of "Wild Thing," and the night before one of them hit a woman in the forehead and gave her a minor cut. So I suggested that people wear forehead protection to the show, and in Denver Clay wore this bandage (Ridley Pearson took our picture afterward). Clay was a good guy. I hope his family is OK.

Thanks also to Amy Rosenkoetter (formerly Dobek) aka, DeskDiva.

BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH CAUSES TO BE OUTRAGED ABOUT

THE ‘murder’ of a record-breaking 16inch earthworm called Dave by boffins at the National History Museum has sparked a furious online campaign.

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

THIS JUST IN

A penis-shaped snow cloud is heading to Devon

(Thanks to Ralph)

CANADA CONTINUES ITS DESCENT INTO CHAOS

A row has blown up in the Canadian parliament - over the word "fart".

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, Joe in Japan and Ralph)

NOT TO DEFEND THE COP, BUT: THE BUNNY *WAS* BLOWING AN AIR HORN

Cop Investigated for Slapping Man in Bunny Suit

(Thanks to Dave N.)

MIAMI BOOK FAIR

I talked about my Florida book yesterday at the Miami Book Fair.

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Florida librarian suing school after toilet explodes, injures her leg

(Thanks to Jerry Conroy)

THIS IS WHY YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION IN ENGLISH CLASS

Bank Robber Keeps Spelling One Important Word Wrong

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "No, it's not 'gub.'")

TOTALLY REASONABLE

Upset over no shopping carts, woman set fire to Kent strip mall

(Thanks to John Mayson)

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Woman charged in porcelain elephant attack

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

JAPAN:

Land of Mystery

(Thanks to Alberto Mengoni)

FLORIDAAAAAAA

Underwear is a weapon in Fort Pierce

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AND IN SPORTS:

Stray dog interrupts England-India cricket match, poops on the pitch

(Thanks to Jon Harris, who says "But isn't this how we all feel about cricket.")

FROM THE BEAVER, OHIO, POLICE BLOTTER

Cops: Hooker Wanted Nachos For Sex Act

(Thanks to Roberto, Al Barkafski, Michael Huber, Le Petomane, Sean in Akron, Stan Ruth, John Nadon and Greg Snow)

'GREAT COMPANY'

B.C. man seeks good home for a half-dozen yaks

(Thanks to The Perts)

SUAVE

A Pennsylvania man whose company scoops up pet poop admitted buying a fake Secret Service identification card and badge online from China to impress women on an online dating site.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

BUT YOU KNOW WHO ORDERED THE HIT

Deer collides with cross country runner at DeSales University

Video here.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko and Al Barkafski)

ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT

Can you have sex in space?

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes, who says "Totally worth the risk.")

FINALLY, A USE FOR BIRDS

Bird Poop Could Provide a Solution to Climate Change

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

Related:  Danes identify Aalborg bishop's 300-year-old poo

(Thanks to Joe in Japan and Nancy Gill)

'IT WAS A CANNON!'

What could POSSIBLY go wrong when news anchor doodles on live TV…?

Fun starts around the 1:30 mark.

(Thanks to B'game)

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

A Massachusetts man who authorities say attempted to use Cheetos to accelerate a fire at his ex-girlfriend’s home while she was inside has been convicted of malicious destruction of property.

(Thanks to PirateBoy, who notes that the correct accelerant snack is Pop-Tarts) (Also thanks to Bill Hudgins)

OR PERHAPS IT'S A SHREWD TACTIC FOR GETTING OUT OF BABYSITTING DUTY NEXT TIME

Grandma's attempt to put baby to bed goes spectacularly awry

(Thanks to Ralph)