Dave Barry's Blog

HE WAS RELEASED AFTER THEY ALL PRODUCED VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Chinese man caught squeezing more than 20 PIGS in the boot of his car

(Thanks to Geoff Scott)

WAIT... THEY HAVEN'T ALREADY?

We’ll all die if zombies attack Miami

(Thanks to Ralph)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Scientists create Viagra mouth spray that perks up blokes in seconds

(Thanks to coscolo, Jeff Schneider and Roberto)

KIND OF LIKE 'GAME OF THRONES,' ONLY WITH MOSQUITOES

Scientists prepare to unleash millions of mosquitoes to have sex with and kill their cousins

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

CANADA: A TOTAL HELLHOLE, OR WHAT?

'Poo bandit' strikes in North York

(Thanks to Roberto)

AND YOU THOUGHT FOOTBALL WAS PHYSICAL

English cricketer loses artificial leg midgame, keeps going

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

GUYS IN ACTION

Chinese man WRESTLES a giant animal after leaping into its zoo enclosure to impress some women

(Thanks to Roberto, who says "My way to impress women was to drink a pint of beer in two seconds. He chose a different way. Both ways were not working.")

WE'RE NOT SAYING THIS. A *COLLEGE PROFESSOR* IS SAYING THIS.

Flabby, older fathers are healthier, live longer and more attractive to women than their lean, muscle-bound peers, study reveals

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

OOPS

Casino Claims ‘Malfunction’ After Slot Machine Says a Woman Won $43 Million, She Plans to Sue

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

CLASSY

A video has emerged on social media of a very grumpy man reluctantly scooping up his own POO after defecating in his neighbour's yard while drunk.

Advisory:  Buttcrack.

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w. Also Le Petomane)

MEANWHILE IN THE ARTS

New York Met cancels opera after suspected cremated ashes sprinkled in orchestra pit

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

FINANCIAL MASTERMIND OF THE WEEK SO FAR

The woman, known only as Xiaoli, from Shenzhen in China, managed to raise around £14,000 by convincing her boyfriends, all 20 of them, to each buy her an iPhone 7. She then sold the phones via the website Hui Shou Nao and made 115,010 Chine yuan (£13,991), which she then used to buy a house in the countryside.

(Thanks to funny man)

HE SHOULD HAVE GONE FOR RUNNING SHOES

Kennewick police identified Arthur Christian Hancock as the man who tried to dash from Ranch and Home with stolen slippers on his feet Wednesday.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

AMERICAN'S MOST WANTED

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from presenting America's Most Wanted.

(Thanks to Hayseed Tom)

R.I.P. JOHN ZACHERLE

If you grew up in the New York City area in the Fifties/Sixties, chances are you were a fan of John "Cool Ghoul" Zacherle (sometimes he spelled it Zacherly). He hosted horror-movie shows on TV, and he was funny as hell. As a boy I was a huge fan of his, and in later years I discovered to my delight that he was a fan of mine. We corresponded for years and talked a few times on the phone; he even came to one of my signings. He was just as delightful off-camera as on it. He died Thursday at the age of 98, just before Halloween. Wherever he is now, the spirits are laughing.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski for the heads-up.)

CSI: NEGAUNEE TOWNSHIP

Home invasion suspect arrested after running into tree, knocked unconscious

(Thanks to Ralph)

ELECTION 2016

Yes.

(Thanks to Jhartari)

HE WAS IN THE COCKPIT

Graphic images ‘show British Airways pilot performing sex act on himself while flying’

(Thanks to funny man)

IT WAS A CONSENTING VAN

Car lover admits to having sex with van

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

LET'S BE CAREFUL OUT THERE

Faulty condoms leave UFV students unprotected

(Thanks to The Perts)

THAT IS JUST WRONG. (OFFERING LIGHT BEER, WE MEAN.)

North Carolina judge convicted of bribery for offering FBI agent cases of Bud Light in exchange for accessing his wife's text messages

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

Gin and Tonics Are the Secret to a Long Life, Says 100-Year-Old Woman

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

Gin and Tonics Are the Secret to a Long Life, Says 100-Year-Old Woman

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS OF THE WEEK SO FAR

The robbers then told the victim to get on the ground and stay there. They got into the car and remained there for about 20 to 30 seconds before getting back out and asking the victim -- still on the ground -- how to put the vehicle in reverse.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

TEXTING?

British slugs have picked up a surprising new habit

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE HAVE FOUND OUR SCALIA REPLACEMENT

Drunken judge proclaims ‘I f---ing kill people’ before he punches out Legal Aid lawyer and leaves him on sidewalk

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

'SHE WAS ALSO HOLDING A BEER'

Partially naked female clown charged with chasing cars

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and Al Barkafski)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR FRAMPTON

Swarms of alien ladybirds carrying dangerous STDs invade homes across Britain

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

'JUST REGISTERING TO VOTE, DEAR.'

A Suffolk council has apologised after 80 residents received a voter registration letter which asks them to log on to a pornographic website.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

THEY ALSO MAKE GREAT PETS

After falling victim to no less than seven break-ins last summer, the owner of a second hand auto parts business in Montserrat, Spain, has replaced his guard dogs with a pair of ‘toro bravos’, a Spanish breed of bull used in bullfighting, to roam the property and deter potential intruders.

(Thanks to Jeff Schneider)

CANADA'S CONTINUING DESCENT INTO CHAOS CONTINUES TO CONTINUE

Curling broom controversy leads to sweeping changes

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

THESE KIDS TODAY

Washington state teen gets her head stuck inside a giant pumpkin

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

The Clay County Sheriff’s Office said Christopher Burns, 21, got mad at his sister after she apparently washed his pants that contained Ecstasy.

Related Nostalgic Florida Man Roundup here.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IMAGINE THE STREET VALUE

Mystery as thieves break into the National POO Museum and steal a collection of cow pats

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Florida man shoplifted to get money to bail out wife charged with shoplifting

(Thanks to Ralph)

OR, NOT

The Pooping Dogs Calendar Is A Real Thing You Can Buy

(Thanks to Cassie Silvola)

And let us not forget this option.

INSANE GUYS IN ACTION

Wingsuit flyer hits tree at 90 mph: 'I should have died'

(Thanks to PirateBoy)

US? NO.

Would YOU visit a robot gynecologist?

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

CSI: FLORIDAAAAAAAAA

Man with 53 ounces of pot in car falls asleep in intersection

Driver arrested in road rage incident attempted to hide a bag of marijuana inside his butt

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Man pours molten copper onto takeaway pizza just so he can see what it looks like

(Thanks to funny man)

OOPS

Oregon woman leaves apology note and gas money after accidentally stealing car

This is not reassuring: Police told KGW that keys to certain Subarus can work in different cars. The Subaru that the accidental thief had intended to collect was parked a block away.

(Thanks to Alkali Bill)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Exploding Hotel Toilet Puts Four Guests in Hospital

(Thanks to Mr. Ron Ungerman)

BASICALLY THE PERFECT CRIME

Drunk Texas A&M Student Crashes into Cop Car While Sending Topless Selfie to Boyfriend

(Thanks to Poker and Bobby Grawl)

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Police: Woman threatens man with her parrot

(Thanks to funny man)

THAT WILL SHOW HIM, ALL RIGHT

A North Carolina woman who bought a scratch-off ticket to show her husband that lottery tickets are a waste of money has won $1 million.

(Thanks to The Perts and funny man)

THEN THEY PROBABLY LET IT GO, THE FOOLS

Police capture squirrel who ransacked Canadian home

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

Related (also a little weird): Squirrels and swingers: Colorado man defends his passions after police raid

(Thanks to L. Raymond)

DAD OF THE WEEK SO FAR

If you're fresh out of ideas for tricking your kids, you can find inspiration from British journalist Mark Sparrow, who shared a horrifying image on Twitter Monday of a chocolate-covered brussels sprout.

(Thanks to Roberto)

FLORIDAAAAAAA TERRORISM REPORT

A Marathon woman says a man “dressed like an Arab” woke her up Monday night, held a gun to her head at her boyfriend’s 20th Street home and forced her to take a “kill pill.”  But her boyfriend told Monroe County Sheriff’s Office deputies no one entered the house, and the woman was booked into jail on a misdemeanor charge of filing a false police report.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

REST EASY, FLATHEAD COUNTY

Upon further investigation, it appears the man going through mailboxes in Whitefish was the mailman.

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

VOTING IN SOUTH FLORIDA

It can be hazardous.