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September 22, 2016

A MODEL, AN OCTOPUS...

...magic. Followed by dinner.

(Thanks to Ralph)

'ROUND 'ROUND GET AROUND, I GET AROUND

The humpback is back – whale washes ashore again, this time on Short Sand Beach

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Ralph)

September 21, 2016

WE WOULD KICK THE DEATH STAR'S ASS

The Death Star's Size Vs Florida

(Thanks to John Lobert, who notes that the Death Star had a Florida driver's license.)

CANADA: A NATION THAT CANNOT CONTROL ITS SNAKES

Second python goes missing in Quebec

(Thanks to The Perts)

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF

Most people who have too much alcohol at a birthday party do not find themselves drunk, naked, blood-covered and trapped inside a hen house in a rural Swedish village.

(Thanks to funny man)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

We give you the Hamdog:

Screen Shot 2016-09-21 at 2.14.42 PM

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

DO THEY GIVE YOU A CHOICE?

Family flee home after finding spiders that can either kill or give you an erection lasting FOUR HOURS in Asda bananas

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

CANADA: LAND OF GLAMOR

P.E.I. couple invites 8-foot-tall potato as special wedding guest

(Thanks to The Perts)

'SCROTOX'

Would you risk Botox for your BALLS?

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who says "No thank you.")

HE SEEMS PRETTY EXCITED ABOUT IT

A man was live streaming his Pokemon Go game when he was mugged in Central Park early Monday morning.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who points out that the guy lost all three of his phones.)

STARDOM

As news of the Brangelina Brexit hit on Tuesday morning local time, a 3.2 magnitude earthquake also hit, just north of Gardena, California.

(Thanks to Ralph)

HE HAS AN 'UNQUENCHABLE PASSION'

A soft-spoken, self-possessed man, Mehoopany native Richard Witter is one of the cattle breeding and Artificial Insemination (AI) industry’s most lauded individuals, but you would never know it—until he begins to speak about his work.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

LOOK UP, DUDE

Mexican police: Van with cannon used to shoot drugs to US

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

THE JUDGE'S NAME IS PETER DOODY

Canadian Mint employee accused of smuggling $180K of gold in his rectum

(Thanks to Anthon Lund, The Perts and Roberto)

'LOOK WHAT I FOUND'

Little girl picks up big snake.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

A FLORIDA LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Mom rear-ends son's Harley.

The actual collision occurs at around 3:25.

Advisory: Many bad words.

(Thanks to B'game)

MEANWHILE DOWN UNDER

Kangaroo caught eating toilet paper in public restroom

(Thanks to Ralph)

AT LAST

The Complete List of Lewd-Sounding Town Names in America

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Seriously, don't.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Jeff Schneider)

AMERICA, REJOICE

Cow farts can now be regulated in California

(Thanks to Le Petomane, Rick Day and Dave D)

September 20, 2016

BRILLIANT

Authorities say a Pennsylvania drug suspect who dropped his cellphone while running away from police took to Facebook to warn his friends not to call that phone number.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

WE'RE GUESSING IT WAS THE SQUIRRELS

Dead whale on Oregon coast disappears before experts can determine what killed it

(Thanks to Dave D)

DAILY DINING REPORT

Drunk guy bites friend's ear off after demanding free enchiladas from Texas restaurant, police say

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

McDonald's manager assaulted with burger

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

This has been the Daily Dining Report.

POLICE ARE STOCKPILING BOTTLES OF SELTZER

Two more Alabama schools were on lockdown today after a social media posts and phoned-in threat warned "clowns" might show up at two Birmingham area schools.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

APPARENTLY IT MISPLACED ITS FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

DEPUTIES SEARCH FOR OWNER OF 600-POUND HOG

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SPAWN OF SATAN UPDATE

Cuddling kittens can kill you, warn scientists

(Thanks to David Kaftal, Le Petomane and coscolo, who says "In that case, I must be dead.")

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM, PLEASE BE ON YOUR WAY

Tennessee Woman Drives Into Oncoming Traffic to Avoid Going to NJ

 

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND THEY'RE ALL NAKED

5 birds face off for national title of Canada's bird

(Thanks to The Perts)

CLASSY

A funeral home director is being accused of taking a selfie while a casket was being loaded into a hearse, KTRK reports.

(Thanks to Steve K)

APPARENTLY THIS IS AN ACTUAL THING

Nude birdwatching. (Meaning the bird and the watcher are both naked.)

(Thanks to Steve Thompson)

NO WAY

Glass of beer 'makes people more sociable'

(Thanks to Le Petomane, Mark Buckley and Jon Harris)

 

September 19, 2016

MEN:

Do not click here.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN FLORIDA

Man with 'superhuman strength' wearing only red underpants rams police car into mobile home

(Thanks to The Perts)

IT'S ALMOST THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Father Christmas beheaded as festive countdown proves too much for some

(Thanks to Steve Thompson)

WHAT'S THE OTHER WAY?

Pig poop paving one way to cut oil dependency

(Thanks to The Perts)

A DAY OF NATIONAL REJOICING

Arizona woman accused of flashing underage boys at bar mitzvah is acquitted

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Japanese inventor creates musical strobe light bra that flashes to beat, adds fills when squeezed

(Thanks to Ralph)

DON'T PULL THAT SHADE, MATEY

Men perform better in bed when put under the spotlight, study finds

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck)

BEST. STATE. EVARRRRRRR

Tonight I be defendin' Flarrrrrida at 7 in St. Louis for Left Bank Books.

Best State Cover

ARRRR

Today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day, mateys. Although not everybody be excited about it. Too bad for them. They be missin' out on the free doughnuts.

September 18, 2016

ATTENTION, PEOPLE OF FLORIDA

Today at 3 I'll be defending our state at the Barnes & Noble at 2051 North Federal Highway.

Best State Cover

BETTER THAN SNAKES

Passengers on board WestJet flight 'AirIguana' grounded as lizards escape on plane

(Thanks to The Perts)

CLASSY

Man gives phony $50 bill to girl's charity lemonade stand

(Thanks to Le Petomane and The Perts)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Listen as man calls police as his ex-girlfriend was overfeeding his pet HAMSTER

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

September 17, 2016

BAMBI: THE REVENGE

Man enjoying a sex act from his girlfriend while he drove along country road needs surgery after he swerved to avoid a deer and lover bit his penis

(Thanks to Patty Villanova) 

AND IN SPORTS

It's the Air Sex Championships.

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE SHEEP WERE RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Three arrests after police spot sheep in back of car

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

NOT TO MENTION THE RISK OF PREGNANCY

Kissing Chickens Can Spread Salmonella, CDC Warns

(Thanks to Violet)

HUH

Unprotected sex is the leading cause of pregnancies in SA, says minister of health

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

GUYS IN ACTION

Watch man blow up his backyard when he uses PETROL to light a huge pile of rubbish

(Thanks to Patty Villanova and Roberto)

 

 
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