Dave Barry's Blog

SENTIMENTAL

Customs officers discover woman was carrying her dead husband’s INTESTINES after noticing she looked suspicious

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

IF IT WAS 'COPACABANA,' SHE HAD EVERY REASON TO BE TERRIFIED

Yelling man terrorizes woman; turns out he's singing

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT

Alaska Council to Vote on Cat Leash Law

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Jilted woman gets revenge by zapping cheating boyfriend's CROTCH with a stun gun

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK

Some Monkeys Have Blue Testicles—Here's Why

(Thanks to Rick Day)

CSI: PEORIA

Peoria police are looking for the owner of a turkey they found wandering the Valley streets this weekend.

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE

Giant duck rolls across streets near Braehead shopping centre as bad weather hits Glasgow

(Thanks to Steve Thompson, Janice Gelb and Ralph)

GUYS IN ACTION, II

Watch A Guy Shoot Invasive Lionfish With A Glock 9mm

(Thanks to Roberto)

GUYS IN ACTION

This brief video, apparently posted from China, is said to show an elderly man trying to tell a woman's fortune by cupping her breast as she looks on, baffled.

(Thanks to Rick Day and Kevin Smith)

HENCE THE PHRASE 'O COME, ALL YE FAITHFUL'

Having sex makes men more likely to believe in God

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "I thought men have been saying this during sex for years"'; and Roberto, who says "Well, it is a miracle when I get to do it.") (Also thanks to Kevin Smith)

'ORDER A DADDY'

British women can now select a sperm donor to father their child by using a mobile phone app

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

YEEPERS

Construction workers discover 10m anaconda on a Brazilian building site

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

NOTED

Whatever you do, don't send your robot lawnmower after a moose

Send this moose to Washington.

(Thanks to Ralph)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Teen hospitalized after air freshener causes car explosion

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

THIS TECHNIQUE COULD ALSO PROTECT VALUABLE ART MASTERPIECES SUCH AS THE MONA LISA

Frustrated farmer sprays his entire flock of sheep orange to stop thieves stealing them

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

EXACTLY HOW STUPID ARE PEOPLE?

Very.

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET AN "F"

Bronx charter school teacher busted for beating student who kept $4G he gave the teen to buy a pound of pot

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

A FLORIDA PILOT'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Police are investigating the crash of a Robinson R22 Beta mustering helicopter, after its pilot allegedly struck a cow whilst herding cattle on a Coen Cattle Station on Sunday September 18.

(Thanks to Roberto)

WE SAW BLOODTHIRSTY TURTLE OPEN FOR THE DAVE CLARK FIVE

Snorkeller gets nasty shock as "bloodthirsty" turtle turns on him

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

The president of an Ontario chapter of Crime Stoppers was forced out of his position this week, after police charged him in connection with a large marijuana grow-operation.

(Thanks to The Perts)

RIBBIT

Toilet Frogs Have Families Jumping Out Of Their Seats

(Thanks to Rick Day)

HER PARENTS MUST BE PROUD

Teenage art student carves clay penises with personalised messages 'to remember every man she's ever slept with'

(Thanks to Kevin Smith and Le Petomane)

Related item here.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

LOOKING FOR A CAREER FIELD?

How about Pubic Relations?

(Thanks to Ralph)

HURRY IT UP

'Hangover-free alcohol’ could replace all regular alcohol by 2050, says David Nutt

(Thanks to coscolo)

BAD MIA!

Colorado woman stabbed by her knife-loving dog

(Thanks to Jon Harris, Rick Day, Bill Hudgins and Another Ralph)

GOTTA STAY FIT, DUDE

Scientists found that people in the study who used marijuana daily had about a 3 percent lower BMI (body mass index), on average, than those who did not use marijuana at all.

(Thanks to The Perts)

THE NEWS FROM WALES

Dad-of-one shows off hilarious rude parsnip shaped like a naked man’s bottom half

He's a baker from Pontypool.

This has been The News From Wales.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker) 

'IT'S NEW YORK'S BLARNEY STONE'

It is totally a thing for tourists to rub the Wall Street 'Charging Bull' statue's testicles

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CSI: FLATHEAD COUNTY

5:43 p.m. A local boy lied to his parents about his homework.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE MIGHT AS WELL SHRED THE CONSTITUTION

Iowan Busted For Measuring Self With Ruler

(Thanks to Steve Thompson)

SNACK OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Oklahoma student brings dead squirrel to class, wanted to eat it

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

GUYS IN ACTION, II

Ouch.

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

GUYS IN ACTION

A man is being treated for rabies after he punched a beaver.

(Thanks to Ralph)

PROFESSIONAL OF THE WEEK SO FAR

For the past 16 years, Xie, 49, has been making serious money charging people all over China to punch his stomach as hard as they can, claiming that he feels no pain there.

(Thanks to Dave N.)

REMINDS US OF THANKSGIVING

This greedy python had eyes bigger than his belly after swallowing a fully grown antelope - which was so big it killed him.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

FLORIDAAAAAAAA

Woman flashes clerk, blames her phone bill

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HE MIGHT EAT YOUR HOMEWORK

USC hires its first dog professor

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

LOOK! IT'S R2D...OWWWW!

China’s new airport security droid deters threats with cattle-prod

(Thanks to Roberto)

TURNS OUT THEY* WERE DRUNK

Scientists solve singing fish mystery

(Thanks to Chris Johnson)

*The scientists. Also, the fish.

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

A crab has being filmed in Brazil clutching a kitchen knife in its claw while scuttling along a tiled floor and waving the knife around aggressively.

(Thanks to Geoff Scott)

'THEY WON'T MISS HIM. HE'S HALF RED, HALF YELLOW...'

Police question bridge-crossing clown when umbrella is mistaken for gun

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

We saw BCC open for Sting.

UPDATE ON THE WORLDWIDE EPIDEMIC OF SPIDERS BEING SPIDERY

Woman totals her car when she finds spider on rearview mirror

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

FORGOT TO POST THIS FROM A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO

Andy the TropicHunt.com Guy came to my signing in Fort Lauderdale Sunday. That's Andy on the right.

IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

Man arrested after shooting into pile of mulch at Daleville Town Center

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

LET'S HOPE THEY DON'T RUN INTO THE SPIDERS

Billions of 'super fleas' with giant penis set to invade homes in Plymouth

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

Spiders coming into your home are 'looking for love, basically'

(Thanks to The Perts)

Related: ‘Spider season' leads to car in ditch in Oregon

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

Also Related: Male Widow Spiders Survive Sex by Mounting Immature Virgins

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING

Fancy owning a handbag made out of a dead ginger cat?

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

NEWS YOU CAN USE

Removal of a 9-Ring Personal Testicle Device, Medically, in Detail

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Toyota is using sewage sludge to power its new electric car

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

BACK IN OUR DAY, WHEN COLLEGE STUDENTS GOT STRESSED, WE.... OK, NEVER MIND WHAT WE DID

Colleges turn to coloring books to de-stress students

(Thanks to coscolo)