Dave Barry's Blog

CSI: FLORIDA

Troller was arrested and charged with Possession of Dairy Crate.

(Thanks to John Mayson)

WE KNOW WHAT *NOT* TO DO

UK beach cordoned off after 50ft dead fin whale washes ashore sparking fears it could EXPLODE

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

TO HIS CREDIT, NO RACCOON WAS INVOLVED

Detroit man trapped hanging upside down while trying to break into his own house

(Thanks to Alan Dean)

IF THIS IS TRUE*, IT'S THE GREATEST EXAMPLE EVER OF GUYS IN ACTION

Report: Man Uses Raccoon To Start Breathalyzer Equipped Car; Raccoon Then Attacks Driver

(Thanks to Jeff Schneider and Roberto. Also Mr. Ridley Pearson)

*But the Blog's b.s. detector is sending out a strong yellow-for-caution on this one.

WE'D LOVE TO SEE HIS RESPONSE TO THE INEVITABLE CUSTOMER-SERVICE SURVEY ASKING HIM TO RATE HIS EXPERIENCE

Fuming man walks into Apple store and calmly smashes up every iPhone in sight

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

"Fuming Man" would be a good name for an alternative desert gathering for people who are not quite edgy enough for Burning Man.

CLOWNPOCALYPSE UPDATE

Suffolk County police said they received two reports of people dressed as clowns in North Babylon and Brentwood Wednesday night.

‘Creepy clown’ reports prompt school security actions

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner)

LEST YOU THINK HE WAS A ONE-HIT WONDER: HE ALSO WROTE 'BUCKLE UP FOR SAFETY, BUCKLE UP'

The man who got generations of hot dog lovers singing along to the Oscar Mayer Wiener song has died.

(Thanks to Bill Melater, who asks "What did they use as a hearse?")

WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW

What cops need to know about 'buttchugging'

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, who quotes the article: "The anus is very veinous.")

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

A 59-year-old Stafford Township man was charged with lewdness after allegedly wearing a bikini he fashioned out of plastic wrap on a Long Beach Island beach.

(Thanks to Barbara A)

THEY WERE 'SMALL BAGS'

Pennsylvania dealer hid 110 heroin bags in buttocks

(Thanks to funny man and RussellMc, who says "where brown heroin comes from")

NO DOUBT HE HAD A PERFECTLY GOOD REASON

Man 'breaks into couple's house in the dead of night and shaves his head using hand sanitizer as lubricant'

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

THOUGHTFUL

A Florida's woman's lawsuit says a deputy shot her with a stun gun, then apologized with a cake that said, "Sorry I Tased You" in blue frosting.

(Thanks to Ron Henzel, Andrew Mendez and Jeff Meyerson)

THE BUILDING BLOCKS OF LIFE

Illinois regulators have suspended the license of a suburban Chicago doctor who allegedly gives patients modified vaccinations containing cat saliva and vodka.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

THIS COULD CHANGE EVERYTHING

The National Institutes of Health is spending over $50,000 to study whether college students eat junk food when they drink.

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Andrew Mendez)

WE SAW VIBRATING RUCKSACK OPEN FOR THE COWSILLS

Passenger jet grounded after panicked baggage handlers feared vibrating rucksack contained bomb – that was actually a SEX TOY

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

HE SAID IT CONTAINED 'IMPORTANT WORK PAPERWORK'

Man Arrested After Asking Cops to Return His Briefcase Full of Cocaine

(Thanks to Jeff Schneider and Jon Harris)

THE MAJESTY OF NATURE

A hungry lion has been filmed by shocked tourists getting its head trapped inside the bum of a dead hippopotamus.

(Thanks to Ralph)

NICE WORK, KID

High-speed chase suspect shoots out own tires, ends pursuit

(Thanks to Ralph)

SCIENCE GUY IN ACTION

I see if a little mercury can be flushed down a toilet and then I take the experiment a little farther and flush a toilet with 240 lbs of mercury.

This is no job for a low-flow.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

YOU CANNOT BE TOO VIGILANT

‘Particularly juicy pork pie’ causes alert at Manchester Airport

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

OF COURSE IT HAD A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE

Woman chases FRIDGE down the middle of the street as it's swept away by terrifying Typhoon Megi

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who asks: "Is your refrigerator running?")

THIS WOULD NOT STOP A MIAMI DRIVER

New Barnacle “Parking Ticket” Covers Entire Windshield, Won’t Come Off

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

GUYS IN ACTION

Macon man accidentally shoots himself while sitting on toilet

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

Chinese man pledges love with 999 boxes of condoms, bouquet fashioned from G-strings

Aw: The woman was astonished as he pledged his love and said a man on average only had sex 6,000 times in his lifetime, and he wanted every one of those times to be with her, the report said.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

NEW, IMPROVED DEBATE FORMAT

Union of Industrialists candidate Zaza Agladze poured a glass of water over his opponent Irakli Glonti from State For The People bloc. The two then started pushing and kicking each other, as the moderator tried to keep them apart.

Do not miss the video.

(Thanks to manual tomato)

'CLOWNPOCALYPSE'

Clown Sightings Spread to Florida, Virginia and Colorado

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Le Petomane)

EVEN WORSE, IT WAS AN UNDERAGE DINOSAUR

Police hunt woman pictured ‘having sex with dinosaur’ at children’s park

(Thanks to Ralph, Al Barkafski and Allen at Division)

A THOUGHT FOR TODAY

THE MOUSE WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID ETC.

Minnesota driver waits for mouse to leave her car on side of highway

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE BLAME THE INTERNET

“Less and less rattlesnakes are rattling.”

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

Q. WHAT IS THE WORLD'S LEAST-CHALLENGING JOB?

A. Miami weather forecaster.

'STIFF BULL'

Instant coffee promising to give men 'instant erections' with secret ingredient found in Viagra blasted by health experts

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Dave N)

IT WILL BE CALLED 'A-HOLES'

Dating website Beautiful People to open LA club where guests are vetted to ensure they are attractive enough

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

FLORIDA GUYS IN ACTION

Florida teen wakeboards down a drainage ditch pulled by galloping horse

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

TOTALLY WORTH FIGHTING FOR

Briton told horse penis remark 'could have led to war' between Kyrgyzstan and UK

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO RIGHTS LEFT

Sorry, a cardboard cutout of Trump’s head does not qualify you for the HOV lane, police say

(Thanks to Jon Harris and B'game)

AS SPECIFIED IN THE CONSTITUTION

Under-21 exotic dancers sue Louisiana for right to bear breasts and butts

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

TROUBLE DOWN UNDER

Spider bites Australian man on penis again

Yes, again.

(Thanks to Ralph)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

An Australian, called Rob, has worked out how to drink wearing a lifejacket

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

EW

Seriously, ew.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT HELPS YOU FOCUS ON THE ISSUES, DUDE

Experts suggest 9 weed strains to get you through a presidential debate

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BUSTED

Man unwittingly snaps photo of kid stealing his girlfriend's watch

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

THE LOCATION KEEPS CHANGING

World Nomad Games 2016: Kyrgyzstan's sporting extravaganza

Actual Event: Goat throwing.

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

BUT THEY CAN BE DIFFICULT TO SWALLOW

Roller coasters could be a cure for kidney stones

(Thanks to coscolo)

MEANWHILE DOWN UNDER

Mooning and streaking outlawed in Victoria, Australia

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

GUYS IN ACTION, V

Indian man bitten by python whilst posing for selfie

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

GUYS IN ACTION, IV

"That is what happens when you pee on lava."

(Thanks to RussellMc)

GUYS IN ACTION, III

Russian teen survives 23-floor fall after attempting to impress girl

(Thanks to Jeff Schneider, who says "I hope she was impressed.")

THEY'RE EVERYWHERE

A passenger spotted a snake curled around the armrest of another passenger's seat on a Japanese Shinkansen "bullet" train on Monday, forcing the train to make an unscheduled stop.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

NATURE

It's disgusting.

Advisory: Really, it is.

("Thanks" to Jon Harris)