Dave Barry's Blog

UPDATE FROM PHILADELPHIA, DUDE

ADVISORY FROM PHILADELPHIA

There may be phlatulence.*

(*Sorry)

HMMM

Science Explains Why Narcissistic Jerks are More Likely to Be Successful

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

First poo-themed dessert cafe set to open in Canada

(Thanks to John Wheat)

THEY'RE HERE

Mysterious green slime bubbles up from sewers in Utah town

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

8:22 a.m. Someone saw two elderly women drag a bear off of Highway 2 East.

9:42 p.m. Reportedly, a drunken man shot a firework “out of his butt” in the direction of children who were sitting on a dock in Lakeside.

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

TURF WAR!

Canada's nudists feeling overexposed by onlookers

Advisory: Naked Canadians.

(Thanks to The Perts)

ADVISORY

Beware of seagulls tripping on acid from flying ants

(Thanks to Ralph)

MEANWHILE, NOT FAR FROM THIS BLOG'S NEIGHBORHOOD...

200-pound bear spotted in Cutler Bay, shot with tranquilizer gun

SQUIRREL PORN

judi took this photo. Rest assured that she has been fired.

WHAT'S THAT... EWWW

Strong smell of cooked urine prompts apartment evacuation

(Thanks to Poker)

THIS IS NOT GOOD, FOR THE WORLD

Hi Dave --

I teach English online with folks in South Korea, so I'm often checking the Korea Herald to see what's in the news there.  You'll be happy to know that you're helping to shape the world's view of our political conventions.

-- Jim Kenaston

DUDE, I'M GOING TO HUGO

Evidence of THC found in Colorado town's water supply

(Thanks to Rick Day, coscolo and Allen at Division)

Autoplay.

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR ONE-LEGGED SEAGULL

Oblivious Bear Wanders for Days With Cheese Ball Jar Stuck on Its Head

(Thanks to Mr. Ridley Pearson, who has a new book out.)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR EACH OTHER

Sandwich-hauling squirrel steals spotlight from one-legged seagull

(Thanks to Bob Brogan and John Mayson)

SUAVE

Aberdeen man Reported Defecating in Driveway, Fornicating With Garbage Can

(Thanks to John Mayson)

RIBBIT

Turns out, a small frog had been hiding in the calabrese.

(Thanks to Ralph)

COLORADO TRAFFIC (burppp) REPORT

Beer rains onto I-25 after semi-truck overturns

(Thanks to Ralph)

OBJECTION

Attorney Accused Of Hurling Coffee At Opposing Counsel During Tense Deposition

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Wild boar runs out of Baltic Sea to terrorize sunbathers at Polish beach

(Thanks to Dave N.)

SURPRISE!

When it came to applying the ink, however, he deviated from the original design and added the phallic drawing and swear word instead.

ADVISORY: Bad word.

(Thanks to funny man)

AND STILL THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

Woman trying to catch Pokemon in cemetery gets stuck in tree

(Thanks to Le Petomane

'Pokémon Go' players in Bosnia are wandering into minefields

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

Incredibly dangerous' Pokemon Go stunt draws ire of TTC

(Thanks to The Perts)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO BASIC AMERICAN RIGHTS LEFT

A couple is facing felony charges after they were spotted riding a stolen lawn mower in the nude at 8:30 AM on a Missouri road, records show.

(Thanks to Todd Lawson and Andrew Mendez)

MIAMI: OUR WILDLIFE IS NOT LIKE YOUR WILDLIFE

Loose Lemur Attacks Woman Outside Her Home

(Thanks to Bob Brogan and Ralph, who thought Loose Lemur wrote Western novels)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

An Indiana woman stabbed her husband in the chest with a grill fork after he returned home without her favorite doughnuts, investigators charge.

(Thanks to Le Petomane, Jeff Schneider and Chris Elzi)

FINAL UPDATE FROM CLEVELAND

Here you go.

Here's presidential candidate Zoltan Istvan:

Here's the Transhumanist Party campaign in action:

UPDATE FROM CLEVELAND

There's been an outbreak of actual news.

TIL DEATH DO US PART

...Or we hit a bump.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

YOU CAN'T BEAT BACON

Bacon-wielding woman, 86, fights off robber in Iceland

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

UPDATE FROM CLEVELAND

I missed the naked women.

UPDATE FROM CLEVELAND

UPDATE FROM CLEVELAND

Here's my first highly objective report.

ADVISORY

I'm off to Cleveland today to begin my Summer of Fun coverage of both political conventions and the Olympics. I plan to keep blogging, but it might be random and sporadic. As opposed to the normal procedure, which is random and sporadic.

CLASSY

Plastic surgeon broadcasts boobs jobs, liposuction and tummy tucks on Snapchat and Facebook Live - and has even hired a full-time social media manager to help

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

TALK ABOUT CLEANSING

Teen student EATS a whole tub of Surf washing powder every week

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

AND FREDDY HAD A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Burglary suspect 'had a stolen human brain nicknamed "Freddy" hidden under a friend's trailer in a Wal-Mart shopping bag and used the embalming fluid to get HIGH'

(Thanks to Patty Villnova)

Yes, we posted this item already. But the Brit headline is (as usual) so much better.

JOURNALISM

Daily Mail Investigates: How to make a pasta rocket engine

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

NAME THAT STATE!

Man shot at teens playing 'Pokemon Go'

Key Fact: Officials talked with the teens who said they were sitting in the car hunting two Pokemon—a Marowak and Tauros.

(Thanks to Charles Cates and Peter Metrinko)

In Other Pokemon News:

Auschwitz reminds people its ‘disrespectful’ to play Pokemon Go at a former Nazi death camp

Pair of Pokemon Go players arrested at Toledo Zoo

‘Get a life and stay out of my yard’

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THE NEWS FROM ABROAD

The local deity active in the priest’s body expressed dissatisfaction saying sewage tanks built for toilets were vitiating the environment all along the path leading to the village temple.

This has been The News From Abroad.

(Thanks to Ralph)

'THE POO CAUGHT US BY SURPRISE'

Emoji toy popular at Calgary Stampede

(Thanks to The Perts)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

Great Yorkshire Show ban following cow tampering

(Thanks to Steve Thompson, who says "I just want to note that Nigel Pulling is the chief executive of the Yorkshire Agricultural Society. Also: Udder Gate.")

IN THAT CASE, SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES AS WELL?

Man says God gave him authority to buy burger with a watch

Guess the state.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FLORIDA: STATE OF ROMANCE

Florida man arrested after breaking into ex’s house with backpack of sex toys including handcuffs, whip, sex swing

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

PLEASE MAKE IT STOP

Pokémon GO gets x-rated as players post naked selfies and pornographic images featuring characters

Want to catch them all? Pokémon Go chauffeurs for hire

Can climate affect the Pokémon you catch?

Shawnee man uses dog poop to stop Pokemon Go players from trespassing on his property

Pokemon Go Players Find Naked Woman Vandalizing Church 

(Thanks to Ralph, The Perts and Unholy Slacker)

WELL?

Do YOU suffer from Lactaboobiephobia?

(Thanks to Geoff)

SOUNDS LIKE A NATIONAL RECALL IS IN ORDER

Boa constrictor pulled from beneath SUV in Pennsylvania

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

BRILLIANT, DUDE

Police say man used brain preserving fluid to soak marijuana

(Thanks to RussellMc)

UPDATE

A South Florida man has been arrested after police said they found marijuana in his car while he was playing Pokémon Go.

AW

Coconut Grove man wants to keep his cookie- and pizza-loving gator

WE MIGHT AS WELL SHRED THE DAMN CONSTITUTION

Joplin Man & Woman Arrested For Riding Nude On A Lawnmower

(Thanks to Ralph)