Dave Barry's Blog

OF COURSE WE ARE DEEPLY OFFENDED BY THIS 'JOKE'

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

 

Woman:
How many beers a day?

 

Man:
Usually about 3

 

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

 

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip 

 

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

 

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

 

Woman:
So a beer costs $5.00 and You have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct? 

 

Man:
Correct

 

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?

 

Man:
Correct

 

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

 

Man:
Do you drink beer?

 

Woman:
No. 

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

 

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AND YOU KNOW WHO CONTROLS THE CHIPMUNKS

A flea from a yellow chipmunk in the Lake Tahoe area tested positive for plague, according to the U.S. Forest Service.

(Thanks to Chris Johnson)

INCLUDING THIS BLOG

Fake poop-scooper app shows how gullible (and desperate) we truly are

(Thanks to Ralph)

WITHIN HOURS HE WAS POLLING NATIONALLY AT 43 PERCENT

Man wearing Richard Nixon mask found in tree

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE MIGHT AS WELL SHRED THE CONSTITUTION

A federal appeals court has upheld the petty misdemeanor arrest of an Albuquerque student accused of repeatedly disrupting his middle-school class with loud burps.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

AND THE WORM IS PRETTY UPSET ABOUT IT

Humans Share 70 Percent Of Their Genes With This Slimy Seabed Worm

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

A Florida couple, who were under the influence of drugs, were arrested after deputies said they were chasing ghosts and hacking at them with a machete, Volusia County deputies.

(Thanks to John Mayson)

A NATION DESCENDS FURTHER INTO CHAOS

Aggressive beaver scares swimmers at B.C. swimming hole

(Thanks to Ralph)

ART

New Bedford Residents Are Feuding Over a ‘Seagull with Boobs’

(Thanks to Ralph)

THEY WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT A ROOF

Saguenay man has barn walls stolen.

(Thanks to The Perts)

IN A SUMMER OF BAD NEWS, A RAY OF HOPE

Ian Ziering Calls 'Sharknado: The 4th Awakens' Their 'Most Ambitious Script' so Far!

Also, he has a beehive.

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

Autoplay.

OR YOU CAN JUST DRINK THE BEER

Yes, you can totally use beer, coffee and hemp for 3D printing

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

Autoplay.

THIS IS NOT GOOD

Squirrel works out how to unscrew jar and proceeds to eat all the nuts

(Thanks to funny man)

OPPORTUNITY IS (burrrpppp) KNOCKING

The Smithsonian Will Pay Someone $64,000 a Year to Drink (and Research) Beer

(Thanks to Rick Day)

IT'S WHY WE'RE HERE, MA'AM

A Florida woman was arrested on Thursday after police said she arrived at the police station under the influence of meth and asked for help with the “dead bodies” under her truck.

(Thanks to John Mayson)

IT WAS A CONSENTING CORSA

Car lover caught 'having sex' with an Opel Corsa on a busy street in Brazil

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

THEY HAD OИLY ONE JOB

Иursecindy sends this photo from her town:

A FLORIDA LICENSE WILL BE ISSUED TO EVERYBODY INVOLVED, INCLUDING THE WASPS

Passenger attacked by wasps after DUI crash in Laurel County, KY

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck)

MEANWHILE ABROAD

A dip in the sex drive of couples in Sweden could become a 'political problem' if it is not corrected, the country's government warned today.

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

DUH

Florida Drivers Are the Worst in America, Study Confirms

(Thanks to John Mayson)

GOOD TO KNOW

5 Body Parts You Can Legally Sell

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

AND THEY'RE OFF!

The race for a Florida license.

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Divers discover 340-year-old Roquefort in Swedish shipwreck

(Thanks to The Perts)

WHOA.

Seriously, whoa.

CANADA: A NATION DESCENDING INTO CHAOS

Snakes prevent grass cutting at Windsor park

(Thanks to The Perts)

OK, OK, WE'LL POST IT

Here's an item sent in by every male reader of this blog.

THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A POKEMON CHARACTER UP THERE

Driver following GPS directions drives car up utility pole

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHY THE LONG FACE?

Shetland pony broke into pub, got drunk and had to be coaxed out with bar snacks

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HEY, WE'RE ALL AFRAID OF THE NEWS THESE DAYS

A new study from researchers at Western University in London, Ont., suggests there is nothing that terrifies British badgers more than the sounds of CBC News programming.

(Thanks to Ralph)

THEY ARE EQUALLY DANGEROUS

Cops mistake Krispy Kreme donut glaze for meth, arrest man

(Thanks to Howard from Broward, Jay Brandes, Le Petomane, Don Faber, wiredog, Bob Brogan and Stan Ruth)

TERROR STALKS SCHENECTADY

Anglers hunt for predatory fish after mayor offers $100 bounty

(Thanks to Dragon Boogers)

$100 goes a long way in Schenectady.

AUSTRALIAN WILDLIFE REPORT

Woman stops to take a photo of what she thinks is a black duck relaxing at the side of a river

(Thanks to Ralph)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Parents are naming their children after Pokemon characters

(Thanks to funny man)

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW:

Do Canadians need toilet training?

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE CAN'T WAIT!

Olympic athletes competing in the waters off Rio’s shore dodge human feces, the invisible rotavirus, and dead bodies in pursuit of gold.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

NOTED

SF doctor advises against following Kardashian vagina maintenance tips

(Thanks to funny man)

'OUT OF ITS... WEEWEE AREA'

A woman's husband said she was sexually assaulted when she was squirted with water from a toy at a hibachi restaurant.

Definitely watch the video. "It really didn't have a wiener, but you got the point."

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

HOW HOT IS IT?

It's so hot in New York that manure is bursting into flames

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

'YOUR DOG'S POOP IN SOMEONE ELSE'S HANDS'

Pooper. The world's first app that finds people nearby to pick up your dog's poop

DUDE: DUH.

San Francisco marijuana use scores highest in the nation

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

UPDATE FROM PHILADELPHIA

You will not believe what I found out.

IS THAT GOOD?

The Most Potent Phytoestrogen is in Beer

(Thanks to Catherine DeLorey)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Florida man suspected of smelling woman's feet at library leads police on scooter chase

(Thanks to John Mayson)

OLYMPICS UPDATE

Channel Nine crew member attacked by a cross-dresser with a weighted pink handbag in Rio

(Thanks to Stuart Anderson)

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Man threw salsa jar at victim in Tampa Bay area road-rage incident, troopers say

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and John Mayson)

UPDATE FROM THE DNC

God weighs in.

APPARENTLY SOME SCIENTISTS ARE WRONG

Apparently some scientists think cockroach milk crystals could be a superfood of the future.

(Thanks to W. Von Papineau and R. Cink)

FLORDIAAAAAAA

Is our children learning?



(Thanks to Jon Harris)

DO YOU COME FROM A LAND DOWN UNDER?

(Thanks to barberfriend C.M.)

UPDATE FROM PHILADELPHIA

Here's my report.